Needy friend

[Animal84]

I didnt know where else to ask and need help. I have a friend who is always coming round to my house when I'm not working to walk my dog at night. I dont mind sometimes but it's become more and more frequently. I live with my mum and son and when mum goes away I dont work and enjoy the quiet nights, until she comes round. I have noticed recently that when we go, I dont say a word and she vents all the time, never ask how I am, always issues. I enjoy the walks on my own to clear my head and relax but she says she needs them to help her. I love her dearly but its becoming too much. She gets on great with family, because shes either at work, mine or sleeps at hers. I look at rota for work and see when shes working and when I can have a night to myself. Its getting draining and I can see I'll blow up soon and loose the friendship. She doesnt have many other friends she sees that much as they busy. I once said I wanted to have a walk on my own and she basically had a tantrum because she needs to have this to feel better, which made me feel guilty and feel like I can't say no. It used to be my way of dealing with my issues but now i dont have that anymore.

What can i do to still keep her but tell her to back off nicely?

I had a similar awkward set-up, a friend talked me into having her toddler when she was working and I was not, along with me my having my toddler. I paid for care when I worked.

Her son was really hard work (spoilt and demanding) and it ruined my days with my son. I started to resent being dumped on and she would never talk to her son (he hurt mine and would run into roads etc). I had a get out clause as my son has mild SEN, so I said that his needs were too much hard work with other DC so cancelled without having to get into a complicated story.

I would set out with a clear reason for change, say it and do not give in..."I'm going through a tough time at work and NEED complete alone time every week, I can see this fits with my nights off so I need these to be alone". Put YOUR NEED above hers. Every time she asks what about me, say you have no other alone time and NEED this time.

Good luck!

Why doesn’t she get her own dog? She’s treating you like her therapist plus having a tantrum when you say you don’t want to go with her is abusive! I think you need to put your foot down. Say “it’s been lovely walking with you but I want to go on my own from now on. If you like walking the dog have you considered getting your own? You could then join a walking group”

she is younger than me and still lives with parents(mine was by circumstance!). i always want to be there for my friends but i have come to realise its more of a one sided friendship, she gets to vent and release wants on her mind and im quiet throughout. she doesnt have a great relationship at home which is why she is always at mine. I would like to maybe find someone to have a relationship with but I think she will be a C-block. she says if i dont want her to come then just say but then she will turn it round to her.

OP, honestly you are absolutely nothing to her bar an earhole and free therapy.

She is using you and your home.
Tell your Mother that you do not want her in the house again.

Tell her what is easiest for you.

You need peace and alone time on your off days. End of.

Let her have her tantrum and repeat.

She doesn't care about you and is using you.

Most people meet someone like this at some point.

The relief when you cut them out of your life is immense.

The peace regained.

Hi friend.
You asked whether you walking with us was getting too much.
Tbh it is now, I've got a lot going on and need my space in the evening.
Thanks for being so understanding. I'll see you (at work?)

"Hi friend! Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to be dog walking on my own for a while as I really need a bit of me time. Maybe we could meet up on XXX and go to the XXX? Let me know if you fancy it. See you soon, xx"

What's stopping her from going for a walk any time she likes? Why does she need to tag along with you?

Thank you all for the advice. It started off fine her joining me but I'm getting so drained with it all. Fingers crossed she understands and gives me the me time I need. I know if she is a friend she will understand but if she has a tantrum then obviously I'm just a person to make her feel better and its not reciprocated

Just a thought but, when you first started waling the dogs with her did you mention how much you needed it yourself to clear your head and how you really looked forwards to it...and then all of a sudden, she was there every time from then on. and telling you how much SHE needed it to clear her head?

Because that and the fact that she only ever seems to talk about herself and she throws tantrums whenever you tell her no...would be pointing towards a disordered personality to me. When it comes to OUR hobbies, interests and things - narcissists often take them up and try and make them THEIR thing. They also can't stand it if they think we have our attentions elsewhere. For exaplke, back when I had one as a friend, I hadn't seen her in a few days but she knew I was due to move house on a certain day. She shows up on that day and asks me to go out with her for drinks. When I said I couldnt' she acted miserable and tried to make me feel like a shit friend. Things like that were common occurance.

They also never truely have inner peace themselves and so cannot stand to see others happy and doing things then enjoy so, try to take that from them.

Anyway, either way, she is an energy vampire and you have to put your foot down. I agree with the person that said to text her and say politely that you need that time to yourself. If she throws a tantrum again OR initially agrees but then backtracks/finds a way to come anyway then you are probably dealing with a narcissist and you should entirely remove her from your life.

Throwing tantrums isn't normal, taking huffs isn't normal, never giving you space isn't normal, only talking about herself isn't normal, making you feel drained isn't normal. My money is on narcissist. Either way, she isn't a good friend.

I mentioned at the beginning that it's the one bit of me time i have and can clear my head, then she just slowly kept coming then said she finds it helps her etc. I dont have much free time myself and slowly feeling lost myself as I have mental conversations and work though what on my mind. I have messaged her to say can we hold off the dog walks this week as need some me time, had no response yet. It's been so gradual that I didnt see it until recently.

I have messaged her to say can we hold off the dog walks this week

Well there is the problem, you do not need to ask her permission for this free time to yourself, Tell her that you are taking time for yourself, not ask. If she replies that she needs x,y,z to help her tell her "Great, hope you get sorted". No debate, no discussion, you are not responsible for her self care, that is up to her to sort, this woman is draining you mentally so just don't open the door to her, let her stand on the step and knock and just don't answer.

Maybe you are an introvert (need time alone to recharge) and she’s an extrovert (needs time with people to recharge)? In which case neither of you are wrong, just have conflicting needs.

My BFf and I are the same: she’s the introvert. So I make sure I have plenty of other friends to hang out with when I can’t see her, and don’t take it personally when she doesn’t contact me for a while or turns down offers to meet up. Your friend needs to learn to accept this if she wants to stay your friend.

M’y friend puts up clear boundaries: she doesn’t answer texts or emails quickly, she doesn’t accept invites that she doesn’t want to or that would stress her out. You need to learn to do this.

If neither if you can make these allowances for each other, the friendship is probably doomed / sorry.

She needs to get a life - literally.
TELL her when you're free to see her - and arrange for it to happen where there are other distractions - such as going shopping etc, then you can tune her out/shut her up whenever you like.
After another one of her monologues, look her straight in the eyes and tell her to stop/you're not interested, ask her why she never thinks to ask about you/your life.

She is aware of her behaviour, she just has such thick skin that she feels she can impose herself on you even though you don't like it and its taking the piss.
Stop being soft around her.
She can get a job, find hobbies and entertain herself.

OP, if she replies to say "yes I mind and want to come along", you will need to say that you need quiet time.

It sounds like you use the time for reflection and it's a bit like mindfulness. If it helps, say you need to be alone for mindfulness.

Google 'Energy Vampires'