Hi all...my ex is trying to get the kids to fly out and see him where he lives. They don't want to get on the plane alone but he can't afford to fly with them. I ended up asking a lawyer and was told that actually given his mental health issues, lack of contact, and safety concerns that they shouldn't be going at all. I have never before put in writing to him the concerns (it's mostly been verbal) so I am thinking of sending the following letter the next time he emails. It is long though - does anyone have any suggestions for a rewrite to get the points across but make it more concise? I have a problem with keeping things short :(
Any help is greatly appreciated!
Hi X,
When we spoke on the phone on June 11th and you mentioned wanting to bring the kids to _ this summer, I told you that I would speak to the kids regarding going…but I also voiced concern about them going at all, due to several safety incidents that have occurred within the past 5 years while the children have been in your care (and incidents prior to that as well).
These include but are not limited to:
-Tethering yourself to the kids before looking over the edge of a cliff in _ last summer, and continuing to do so even when they told you that wasn’t safe.
-Taking the kids bike riding at the park and both of them falling down a steep hill and getting injured. You told me the kids got hurt, but you didn’t share the extent. The kids told me after that they were both crying but that you didn’t help DS because you were carrying DD because you thought she “might have internal bleeding.”
- Taking them outside to play in – 40 weather and blaming their feet hurting on their footwear rather than the irresponsibility of taking them outside in those weather conditions, and also when you had been informed prior to the visit that the kids were sick.
-The kids telling me that your uncle made them feel uncomfortable because he kept teasing them and trying to open bedroom and bathroom doors while the kids were privately occupying these spaces. I sent you an email sharing this with you and asking you not to let the children be alone with him (which you ignored) and then the kids told me the following summer that you allowed them to ride on a motorcycle alone with that uncle.
- Texting me last summer that if I couldn’t bring the kids to you in (place he used to live) that you would “send an Uber to get them”. There have been multiple cases of people being assaulted in Ubers and yet you would be willing to let the children go in one alone.
When voicing my concerns to you – you said that if they were to come to you this summer that you wouldn’t force them to do anything they are uncomfortable with…yet here you are showing that this isn’t true since you are pushing them to get on a plane without you.
There is also the fact that in the past 5 years, you have cancelled more than 50% of all the access you claimed to want to have – frequently stating that you were “too sick” to come, and even after you moved (without giving me any advance notice that you were leaving) – you had one conversation with the children at the beginning of October – and then you didn’t make any direct contact with them again until the end of January. We just went through another 6 week period between April 11th – June 30th where you did not phone the kids because you were sick (and again last week on July 2nd you did not call on what you insist is the designated time. You called Wednesday evening while we were at church – the kids called you back and left a message, and again you didn’t return their call). There have been times the kids have phoned and/or left messages for you and you have refused to take their calls or give them a call back. On Monday March 11th at 4:30 p.m. when the kids called you we could hear your mom telling you that the kids were on the phone and even offering to bring the phone down to the basement to you so you could talk to them but you refused because you were sick/sleeping.
You have now confirmed to both me and the children that you have clinical depression. You have been living with your parents for several months and you do not yet have a job. I also asked you on the phone whether or not you were receiving any help/treatment for your sexual addiction and you said “that’s irrelevant.” I feel that it is very relevant. Your sex addiction causes you to stay up all night and sleep all day – it has caused you on multiple occasions within our relationship where you would disappear for several days without me knowing where you were or if you were ok, and has caused you to make very poor calls in judgement where you have behaved in ways that are risky/borderline illegal such as sitting outside of the hospital High Risk building to video pregnant women (as outlined in your journal entries). I feel it contributes to your depression, impacts your overall judgement and ability to provide proper care for the kids.
So given all of the above and that your move to your parents does not appear to have improved your situation – I’m not sure that it is in the children’s best interest to be going until there is some level of improvement and you can actually share what is going on with your treatment/progress. I find it very concerning that you don’t think your sex addiction and the type of behaviour that has resulted in, is something that needs to be addressed.