My partner doesn’t make time for us anymore

[LucieGoosey]

Hi, just feeling a little low & needing to vent. I’m 7 months pregnant just now we have 2 LO’s together (under 4) & i have been struggling looking after them by myself every day especially now it’s the school holidays. I have a lot of pain in my legs & pelvis which can make some days really tough, I power on though for the kids & try my best to keep up with the housework etc. Recently though I have been really struggling to cope as the kids have been quite difficult, demanding & misbehaving. DP knows this as he usually does ask during the day how they are so I tell him. Today was one of the bad days, where everything went wrong & I just felt so defeated. I had taken them out for some fun but they just weren’t in a good mood & had multiple tantrums both of them which just made me feel really deflated as I had been a lot of pain with my legs & the thought of going to said place was not appealing to me but obviously for them they usually enjoy it so I powered through & took them. Again DP knew this yet tonight after finally getting them to bed he once again just wants to go for a run & to the gym. He’s been back into his fitness lately which is great I know he enjoys it & it makes him feel really good but whenever I try to ask him if we could have a wee night together just to curl up on the couch & watch something he gets really ratty with me & will seem so angry that I’ve even asked him not to go to the gym. Sometimes he’s ok & will not mind but mostly he gets really annoyed with me. And I’m just feeling so lonely as I obviously spend all day myself with the kids & I don’t have any friends with children & my friends I do have I don’t feel I can talk to them about these things as I just don’t want to bother them they both work full time & have busy lives & we rarely get time to see each other anymore I don’t want to bore them with all of this. But I’m so sad & lonely. I feel a bit hurt that my partner can’t understand why a wee cuddle on the couch & some time to chat together would help me so much feel refreshed and ready to start the next day. It’s really beginning to affect me but I don’t know how I can bring it up to him again as he already knows how I feel & that I would like time together before baby comes. But it just feels like he doesn’t really care. I feel like I’m going mad because I’m getting no adult conversation at all. And the kids don’t even go to bed early either! Was after 10.30 by time we had them both down tonight & they don’t even sleep through the night either! I don’t really know why im posting this I guess just to get it all out. Sorry it’s so long I just needed somewhere to release all this.

Well that sounds bloody horrible.

So does he normally come in from work and then go to the gym? I'm thinking tell him "I'm going out to [yoga/friends/languaue class] tonight so it'll just be you and the two babies! Aww daddy time!"

Honestly? Sorry but I'd be thinking "cherchez la femme"

He should be supporting you and wanting to spend time with you, instead he's focused on his own needs as a priority - which even if there isn't an OW is unacceptable.

Tell him straight you're feeling unsupported and he needs to spend more time at home. He is not a single man who can just do whatever he likes he's a father with a heavily pregnant partner who's family need him at home.

What was he like during your other pregnancies?

Tell him straight you're feeling unsupported and he needs to spend more time at home. He is not a single man who can just do whatever he likes he's a father with a heavily pregnant partner who's family need him at home

This. You have to get straight to the point. You may not like the answer though. Sadly there are men who find children and childcare boring. Hes not spending time with you, or with his children so that tells you his utterly selfish mindset. He's not interested.

Family man out every night for run and gym? Really, are you sure? But whatever the reason he's neglecting his family and that needs to be addressed. Don't let his anger blindside you - you say you power on for the kids so power through this conversation and don't be diverted. Hes using anger as a diversion tactic to shut you up. Don't accept it.

It may not seem like it now but this, too, shall pass. The kids won't forever be in the phase they are now and then you'll have more time to think, time for yourself. & you'll need that because this man has shown you when you need him most, he is not there for you. When people show you who they are, believe them. So have a plan in mind and remember, as women we can get through many things. More than we know. When theyre in school go back to work (if you feel you can), learn a language, take up gym, whatever.

For now are there any mother and baby groups you can join after you've had baby? Lack of adult conversation is awful

It doesn't seem he enjoys being a family man.

Also three kids in 4 years is challenging, were they all planned? That likely putting a strain on the relationship too.

Thank you for your responses. Sorry I meant to say it’s after the kids are asleep that he goes out for a run/ to the gym. He is an utterly devoted and amazing dad & family man he loves getting home from work & being with the kids & is absolutely amazing at taking them out to play every night whether I’ve been sore or not but he makes extra effort when he knows I’m shattered or needing a lie down because I’m sore/tired/achy etc. It’s just emotionally i feel unsupported by him. But I have been trying to see his side of things aswell as this and playing football once a week is the only things he does for himself & we all need that little bit of time to ourselves. So I have been trying to be understanding of the fact this is something he really enjoys & it makes him feel good. But I just wish it wasn’t so excessive he acts like the world will end if he stays home one night, I hate exercise always have lol but I know it can be addictive but I struggle with the fact he’s not realising I feel a bit neglected & lonely. We ended up having a chat tonight after he came home & I basically just told him again how I’m feeling really lonely it’s didfcult going all day yourself with 2 wee ones and then having no company in the late evening before bed to then just wake up and do it all over again. He says he understands but then he will contradict that by saying things like “ it’s not that bad we’re not passing ships. You see me in the morning before I go to work & you see me when I come home” I tried to explain yes I see you but we don’t sctually get time to talk or have affection because we’re with the kids & getting sorted for bedtime etc. I love family time all together it’s the best but I also like one on one time with him & I just feel he isn’t as bothered about it as me which hurts. He says he is and does want to spend time with me but I pointed out to him that it doesn’t seem that way from my perspective as, as soon as the kids are asleep he’s getting changed into his running gear & barely says a word to me & he’s out the door away even after knowing I’ve had a tough day with them! 😪😢 maybe I’m just expecting too much from him. As he really
Does support us in every other way. I guess I’m maybe hormonal and needy a bit just now & realising how soon baby is coming we will have even less time together & no they were not planned I seem to be very fertile as we had took steps to avoid pregnancy.

Read your last comment again- he is absolutely not an amazing dad and family man. He is at best a selfish arse, at worse, im sorry but i agree with pp above who have suggested there is a reason why he cannot give up his "me time". "You see me in the morning and when i cone hone" like you should be grateful for that. What about when baby #3 comes along and he just fucks off to the gym after the older two are in bed? I don't have a solution sadly but please don't be fooled by him

You actually sound incompatible. Sounds like you want different things. Could you persuade him to do something?
Curling up and watching tv is boring for a lot of people

What job does he do? Is it high stress and high people contact? Exercise can be a form of release and de stressing. I know if my husband doesn’t do his usual ten mile run for a few days he gets twitchy and unsettled. Exercise for him is a need. Luckily he does it in the early morning.
I wonder whether you’re struggling and his gym need is made worse because of that. You mention pain several times - is it being treated? Could you afford a babysitter and swim whilst he goes to the gym? Swimming is brilliant for lifting the weight that causes pregnancy discomfort. It also lifts the mood.

You also mention children’s behaviour; perhaps that is something you and your partner should make time to discuss. Is it possible your mood is affecting their behaviour and even his response to your suggestion of cuddling on the sofa watching television?

I think for many watching television wouldn’t necessarily be something they’d prioritise. What if you found a babysitter and went out?

For some people exercise is a life priority. It provides obvious health benefits physically and mentally. The average adult should be doing about 2-4 hours per week but some people do more.

There is also no doubt that it is used by people to manage stress or low moods and bring happiness. Cuddling and chatting with a loved one does this too.

You are both trying to achieve the same thing at the end of the day but in different ways. You dislike exercise and he dislikes sitting in the sofa.

Your latest post contradicts the title and OP. Basically what you are saying is that he does contribute to family life and helps with the children. But that you both have limited free time without the children in the evening and weekends. Part of this is because they go to bed late. Maybe because he wants to time to be with them after work.

The problem is that when they go to bed you both want to unwind and have very little time to do it. Plus he wants to exercise and you want to cuddle. For most people are able to find time to do both or they use their time to do both. If he doesn’t enjoy sitting on the sofa chatting or watching tv, that is the same as you not liking exercise.

My advice would be to look at your family life and see if you cannot structure it differently to find some extra time for you both to be together alone and for you both to have time to relax on your own if you want.

Either way it is about getting balance between the two needs and wants. He could cut down exercise and / or fit in at different times, lunchtime at work for example. People run to work or cycle to work. I think you also need to find ways to relax on your own and you should be less dependent for this.

Thank you again for the responses. It’s not that I want him to not go to the gym every night. Like I said I know he enjoys it and feels good for having done it & he does everything for me and the boys so this is his only thing for him. I just would like him to be a bit more flexible with it & take a couple nights off a week to be with me at the end of long days. I have nights where I watch the things I like on tv that he doesn’t like so I usually do that when he’s away to the gym. But I still really enjoy his company I miss him & yes curling up on the couch may be considered boring but after 10pm at night with two wee ones upstairs in bed there isn’t really much else we could go and do together during the week lol. His job has been quite lax lately he’s had it pretty cushty which we’re thankful for as he’s able to leave early & stay late in the morning sometimes too. With regards to the kids behaviour we do discuss it regularly and try to come up with solutions or ways to help them & encourage them. We both want the same things so we are compatible it’s just he’s suddenly been very into fitness & I guess I’m feeling a bit neglected couple that with the fact I’m so heavily pregnant I probably am feeling a bit sorry for myself & just looking for a bit of attentiveness and care on his part. We would love a better family life balance and we’re actually talking about it in bed last night & how we can try achieve it together. So I’m feeling a lot more hopeful now thank you for the replies I appreciate them all!

"He is an utterly devoted and amazing dad & family man" posters always say this when pps criticise the guy who is clearly behaving badly!

NO he's NOT!

If he WERE you would not be feeling sad, lonely, desperate for adult company, let down by his actions.

YOU are his family too, plus men who really care for their families understand that supporting the mother is a key part of supporting their family.

"It’s just emotionally i feel unsupported by him." What is 'just' about that? That's a really important thing to do especially for a heavily pregnant, struggling partner who is in pain!

"But I have been trying to see his side of things aswell as this and playing football once a week is the only things he does for himself" Again NO it isn't - his going to the gym AND for a run every night/most nights is ALSO him having time to himself - when do YOU get find to yourself? Do you even get a bath in peace with him available to see to kids?

"no they were not planned I seem to be very fertile as we had took steps to avoid pregnancy." What contraception were you using?

I think you need to consider the possibility he's feeling resentful of having 3 children in such a short space of time. It's not right as he's half responsible but if you're to have a chance of this relationship surviving he needs to be honest with you.

Also it very much sounds like it is you he's avoiding which is what also makes me think both "resentment" and "possible ow".

A less likely possibility but still a possibility is that he is genuinely an exercise addict. It's not a common addiction but it can happen and if it is the case then he needs help to address it as any addiction is unhealthy.

But other reasons are more likely.

Is he exercising every night? How long is he out for?

Curling up and watching tv is boring for a lot of people
I think you may have missed the bit about OP being 7 months pregnant 😂 - where does she say that that is all she wants to do?

Lucie, however much of a shit your dh is being, you are also a little too reliant on him for support. Obviously now is not a great moment to change that, but as soon as you have the chance, I would strongly suggest making a huge effort to get out and meet other mums. Play groups, talking to people in the park, posting ads in local paper/forums.
And possibly arrange some kind of relaxing evening activity one day a week during which dh takes over the kids. You need time out as a mum, and you need to do something that makes you feel good. I currently sing, for instance; it's extremely therapeutic because of the controlled breathing and the nice sounds. But while heavily pregnant, how about massages, cinema or swimming? Do something for you.

When my son was born, for a while I thought that my daughter was going through an epecially naughty phase, until I realised it was a combination of me being knackered and getting annoyed easier, and me not being able to do as much with her. Is there any way you could pull further back on the cleaning, cooking etc. and just spend more time sitting reading a book or watching TV with the kids? Can you relax your standards, hand over housework to dh or get a cleaner in for a while?

If you say "they" were not planned it sounds like you need to talk to your doctor about changing your contraception, and think about doubling up.

My exh did the "acting angry" thing, btw. It is totally crap. Try to remember that it is his attitude which stinks, not yours. He's making you feel bad about asking as he knows that is how he can always get his own way. Imagine yourself acting like that if he asked to spend time with you. Hard to imagine, huh?

He goes out for a run/gym at 10.30pm at night?