Make me strong

[Brightfuture2019]

Ok I admit it, I'm a total walk over a wuss, I have anxiety, I let people treat me like crap. My life is wasting away. I'm a disappointment to my family and myself.
Why can't I just sort my life out.
My partner is absolutely useless, he works when he feels like it and gives me money when he feels like it or not. We are on benefits due to low income which I hate. I do absolutely everything and I mean everything. Then I get moaned at that maybe dinners not quite right or I'm moaning when I ask someone to help. He goes out all weekend and leaves me and my daughter home alone. But actually believes he is an amazimg father. I get ignored when I'm talking, spoken over. He takes drugs occasionally out of the house. and is then very nasty. I pay all bills all my daughter's needs . My family don't like him and my friends. Yes we have occasional nice days as a family. I just feel like I'm a waste of space, I can't even get the courage to do anything about it. I want to be happy but I'm scared, I'm scared of losing my daughter and having to share her I stick around cause it's easier. I make myself so mad that I'm so weak.

Hi Brightfuture, you sound so fed up and downtrodden. The occasional family day is not enough and it sounds like a very dysfunctional relationship. Are you on tenterhooks all the time? My main bit of advice is to work on yourself and get stronger (counseling or reading articles on line or the freedom programme). Are you gaining anything by being with him? He is extremely selfish to leave you all weekend, my stomach would be in knots if my partner did this!! I wouldn’t stand for it.. You need to build yourself up and kick is ass out - I like you’re username and you can have a much brighter future just you and DD - and nobody to infuriate you or put you down

Hi OP, sorry to hear you're going through this. From reading your post, it really seems like your head is in a bad place, and you're stuck in a bit of a negative spiral, both in terms of what's going on in your life and how you feel about yourself. Tackling difficult things can be really hard at the best of times, but is possible when your head is in the right place to see where positive steps can be taken. Have you ever considered CBT? It can be a really useful tool to help you reframe your thoughts so that you feel you can bring about positive changes.

Sometimes it can be hard to see that a person has the ability to change their situation or even deserves to, but you deserve happiness and it's worth investing time and resources in your own wellbeing to help this happen

I wonder if you may have a bit of depression and you seem very hopeless. Go and talk to your GP about how you feel. I think you would also benefit for some counselling although I know this isn't easy to get.
Talk to your friends and family, get support from them. You need to find the strength to get out of this relationship because its never going to get any better. You only get one life, don't waste it on this loser and feeling like this. Show your daughter you are a strong independent woman. You don't want her to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship either.

Leave for your DD op if you cannot do it for yourself.

I do feel on tenterhooks yes, especially when he's been to the pub, the moment I hear the door go my heart races as I don't know what mood he's in. Then next day is then ruined cause he's hungover , but will later go to the village pub again. I think I have got that used to how he treats me that I don't even realize how bad it is. When we do talk about it he turns it into my fault. I hate confrontation. I've thought about councilling I've had this before for anxiety but he went mental about it so I had to hide the fact I was going. I want to leave for my daughter I just don't know how. Rental house and all bills are in my name.

Tackle one thing at a time.

What do you want to work on first?

@Windmillwhirl. I think I need to get stronger so I have the guts to tell him to go.

Ok, that's where you start. Key is realising you deserve better and want better for yourself.

He is a big part of the reason you suffer with anxiety.

What supports do you have?

You need to brave and accept nothing will change if you stay where you are.

Can you enquire about some low cost counselling?

If you are in the UK, this link may help:

www.bacp.co.uk/about-therapy/how-to-get-therapy/

Thank you @Windmillwhirl I don't really have any support. My parents hate him but they both suffer with worry so telling them would cause them sleepless nights and stress so I don't say anything. My brother knows some things but again he may tell my parents . I have one friend who is pretty good at listening but I think she just thinks I'm an idiot for staying. Yes I truly believe my anxiety is a hell of a lot worse because of him.

You need support. They will help you stay strong. Your parents may have some sleepless nights if you tell them, but surely they will want to support you.

It sounds like you are making excuses, even if you don't mean to.

You need to toughen up, get the support you need and leave. Your life will not improve for you or your daughter if you stay. Let that sink in. The issue isn't going to go away. I hope you find the strength to reach out for support. You've wasted enough time with this lowlife.