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Original poster

Annulled marriage - potential red flag?!

30 replies

Kazziepooes · 09/07/2019 18:57

Hi all,

I wanted to seek any perspectives on this kind of unusual matter. I have googled it, but can’t really figure this one out & thus thought I’d ask you lovely people.

I’m dating a guy who claims to have married a girl overseas (he’s from the UK); she didn’t end up coming over to the UK and the marriage was annulled. I’m seeing this as a potential red flag & can’t really figure out under what type of circumstances this marriage could have been annulled. What i’m asking is, has anyone encountered this type of situation? And, whilst I’m totally aware you guys haven’t met him, would this type of thing put you off??

Would appreciate perspectives!!

OP posts:
sar302 · 09/07/2019 19:21

Well, we all make mistakes I suppose. I'd want:

  1. to know when he says he "married a girl over seas", whether this was just a woman who he'd met when he was living in another country, and it didn't work out because she wouldn't / couldn't move. Or, whether it was some sort of "bought" marriage to a vulnerable women, or some random Woman he met online and married at first sight or something. Because the last two would be a deal breaker for me, for various reasons.

  2. proof that this marriage has actually been annulled.

People end marriages (and end them quickly) for all sorts of reasons. Whether it was just a mistake, or a massive character flaw kind of depends on the context for me.

OldUnit · 09/07/2019 19:28

Oh god, it's not a 'mail order bride' situation is it?

Or a poor Thai girl who bottled out at the last minute?

Both those would be a massive NO from me. Confused

MMmomDD · 09/07/2019 20:02

Drunk visit to a drive by marriage booth in Las Vegas?
First thing that came to my head....
Look - he didn’t have to even tell you any of that. He did - and it’s a good sign that it’s post likely a funny or a little sad story.

Are you on a high alert for red flags for some reason?

Radio4andChocolate · 09/07/2019 20:07

Depends a lot on the situation, you need to know a lot more.

He could have been legitimately married to someone who then couldn't get a visa to come to the UK (I currently have a family member who can't bring her spouse over here so they're living separately, it's awful) so they decided to separate.

Or it could be all sorts of dreadful things - mail order bride etc.

Or something in between, e.g. drunken holiday romance later regretted. Arranged marriage that didn't work out.

It's not a red flag unless you know more details about the circumstances.

Malvinaa81 · 09/07/2019 20:08

I didn't think annulled marriages were that common.

Rather than trying to find out the real reasons/asking for proof etc, if you're not that involved yet, why not find someone with less baggage?

Yes it might have been honest of him to have told you, but what has been told may only be 5% of a complicated story....

And men do tell lies.

PicsInRed · 09/07/2019 20:11

I'd want to see the court paperwork.

NCBabyBoy · 09/07/2019 20:12

What was the reason it was annulled? Aren't there only a very limited number of situations in which a marriage can be annulled, rather than dissolved through divorce?

PicsInRed · 09/07/2019 20:12

All of it. Including her's.

AnneElliott · 09/07/2019 20:25

I believe you can annul a marriage for non consummation? So if they didn't have sex after they married then they could potentially seek an annulment rather than a divorce.

Original poster
Kazziepooes · 09/07/2019 21:54

Thank you, all of you for your advice; it’s sincerely appreciated.

The background to this is it was an arranged marriage and the girl was coming from a country poorer than the UK & she decided not to show up.

No idea why it was annulled and not a divorce, but as this is, as you lovely people have stated; somewhat rare, it has made me wonder why.

But as I think some of your advice has hinted, that this is one potential red flag, amongst a few others. Also, I don’t have a heightened awareness to red flags; it’s just there’s something massively not quite right and just wanted some sensible advice.

Thank you all!

OP posts:
Genevieva · 09/07/2019 22:29

Religious people would normally seek an annulment because their faith does not recognise divorce and they want to be able to marry again. The most famous example of this was Henry VIII who was denied an annulment from the Pope to allow him to marry Anne Boleyn. In your situation, I would want to know why he was happy to go along with an arranged marriage then, but seems to favour dating a girl of his choosing now. I would want to work out whether I am just a fling before another arranged marriage. I would also want to know which religion and how religious he and his immediate family are. I would also watch his reaction to any suggestion of meeting his family. Given you say there are other red flags, I wonder if it is worth the effort trying to work out where the relationship has a future.

sar302 · 09/07/2019 22:30

Well, arranged marriage is not common in the UK, but it does still happen. Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt that that was an appropriate way to form a union, because that doesn't mesh well with my feelings about marriage. That's not to say it's not ok for others however.

But to be honest, if you're already identifying other red flags, bin him. This isn't going to end well.

9Greenbottles · 09/07/2019 22:35

I went out with an Indian bloke who had an arranged marriage. They married in India, she came to the UK, it didn't work out and was a huge embarrassment to both families so the marriage was annulled to protect their "reputations".

MrsTerryPratchett · 09/07/2019 22:39

Honestly, I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who felt that that was an appropriate way to form a union, because that doesn't mesh well with my feelings about marriage.

It doesn't mesh with my feelings about consent. I'd give him a wide berth.

raspberryk · 09/07/2019 22:39

It's not that different to divorce imo, but i'd want to know a bit more about it, family circs, his age at the time. He was upfront and honest which is a lot different to him hiding it.
Why are you jumping straight to the red flag ?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 09/07/2019 22:43

Not really much difference to a divorce but I would be wary about that too.

The arranged marriage would put be off though. Vows are serious and for me I don’t get how they can be made with someone a person barely knows.

haflump · 09/07/2019 22:45

I’m Pakistani and annulled marriages and not very common but I’ve heard of it happening before with a friend who got married in her home country but the guy then later refused to move over and leave his family so it was annulled rather than divorce as (like a pp said) the marriage wasn’t consummated. I don’t know how you would prove this but it happens

haflump · 09/07/2019 22:46

Also I would count the fact that he was honest about it as a positive thing, they often get swept under the rug and forgotten about.

EarringsandLipstick · 09/07/2019 22:50

Annulment is a lot different to divorce. It means that a valid marriage never happened at all. As PPs have mentioned, this is often done for religious reasons eg for someone whose religion would not permit divorce.

The threshold is high - usual reasons are non-consummation of the marriage (which has to be proven 🤔), lack of capacity to engage in marriage (eg someone married knowing they couldn't truly enter the relationship, for example knowing they didn't want children / had a significant problem / addiction & didn't tell partner. Again, proof required), consent wasn't freely given (this could relate to the arranged bit) or the marriage wasn't technically valid eg paperwork not completed / legally carried out.

Remember church & state annulment are different (eg in Ireland - you could have your marriage annulled by the Catholic Church but it's still legally valid) so if you want to continue with your relationship, you definitely have to check this out and also ask more questions about why.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/07/2019 22:53

I wouldn't involve myself with a man who comes from a culture/family that supports arranged marriages. Not a chance in hell. I would run for the hills.

missyjudy · 10/07/2019 04:27

The red flag is why is he dating you? If he is from a culture where he had an arranged marriage then what’s changed? Surely his family will be seeking to arrange another marriage if that one didn’t work out?

ChristmasFluff · 10/07/2019 07:23

All the talk about how honest he is - people need to realise that psychopaths will deliberately tell you something true like this, to make them appear 'so honest', whilst withholding all sorts of other stuff, and lying about the rest!

OP, I wouldn't proceed with this, for the reasons others have stated - that someone who was willing to go along with an arranged marriage is likely to have lots of other cultural and value differences to you.

rumred · 10/07/2019 08:53

I live in an area where arranged marriages are the norm in the Pakistani community. You can't write someone off for this, imo, the pressure on people is massive here. Even worse for gay Pakistanis.
Escaping the culture is incredibly hard but I respect those who manage it.
Given half of marriages end in divorce, I'm not sure it's fair to judge people badly who end marriages for whatever reason.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/07/2019 09:00

No idea why it was annulled and not a divorce
I'd assume they didn't have sex.

If his family have arranged a marriage for him in another country, with a woman who clearly wasn't 100% willing hence the no show, I'd also consider what difficulties him dating random people (no offense meant) might cause with his family and how that affects you too.

I know a few people who had arranged marriages but within their home country so speak same language and fully informed consent from both parties. However her backing out after the wedding would make me wonder how much he cared if she was fully able to make her own choice in it

Snipples · 10/07/2019 09:04

It's be a red flag for me. I wouldn't hang around with this one OP.

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