I feel like my baby hates me

[Tootytata]

My baby is 10 months old. My husband works full time and I am currently on maternity leave. When he comes home from work, my baby is visibly excited to see him. She always wants to be held by daddy if he's at home.

I had some appointments today so I was out most of the day while my husband was at home with our baby. When I walked in, she didn't even look at me. I sat her in her chair to feed her some food, tried to tickle her and she wouldn't even smile. Then she cried and refused to eat the food. After a few minutes her grandma managed to feed her and she ate happily. I cried because of this...I know it's silly but it's been building up for a few weeks now.

I feel like she hates me. Would rather be held by anyone else other than me. I feel drained because I feel like I have to try really hard all the time to get her to like me. My husband is very good with kids so (from my perspective) he seems more natural when he's interacting with her.

I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. At 10 months old, can a baby really choose a favourite parent? I don't have to be the favourite parent (it's not a popularity contest) but I would like to feel like my baby doesn't dislike me.

Hey, don't be too hard on yourself!

I'm no expert in child development, but I have a 9mo baby. She's just getting to the stage where she really knows who people are. Maybe what you're seeing is just her developing an understanding of different people and reacting spontaneously. Mine is very keen on her aunt (my sister) and will often wriggle away from me to go to her.

I'm sure its just a phase, of course your baby loves you.

It really is just a phase. My DD did it too. Really upset me the first time.

She’s 3;6 now and swings from being a daddy’s girl (doesn’t want anything to do with me during these phases) back to a mummy’s girl every few months. My favourite spat of this was around 18 months when she’d cling to me howling ‘daddy too spicy’ whenever he looked at her.

If you can try and make the most of her not clinging to you - it won’t last!

My son is 8 months and reacts similarly to my parents or grandparents or the postman; basically anyone who isn't me. My daughter who is now 3 used to do the same thing from about 5 months until about 1 year old. My mother explained it to me that we as mother's are who the baby expects. They cry we come, they want food we provide it, they poop we clean it etc. Everyone else is a bonus and a surprise.

Basically baby sees you as the butler/maid/cow and baby is ruler. Everyone else is pleasant guest. That changes once they can do stuff on their own

@Fedupatforty "daddy too spicy" 😂😂😂😂 makes me need to wee

Daddy too spicy

Daddy too spicy!

Thanks everyone. I know it's probably just a phase but it makes me feel sad. My mum noticed and she commented that it's strange that the baby doesn't get excited when she sees me at all. I tried to laugh it off but it just made me feel awful.

She doesn't hate you. She's so used to you that you are like her own arm. You don't notice your arm do you? Relax. Shes a happy, secure baby. You are her most favourite chair in the world which is why she never needs to look at you.

My DD went through a phase of this with my dad. Screaming whenever he was near and hysterically crying.

Hes now her favourite human 🤷‍♀️

I had this when my DS was about 11 months old. I was tearful and upset, because my son was SO happy to have daddy at weekends and over Christmas.

So I read up about it. Basically it means you're doing a fab job 👍🏻 your baby knows you. They've bonded with you. They now feel secure enough to properly start exploring people who aren't you. Plus they're fickle little buggers, and anyone who isn't you (who is there with them all the time) is much more exciting.

We're now out the other side at 18 months and at the weekends he never leaves me alone

It hurts, but honestly it's a good thing

@Tootytata I do postnatal support; and was wondering if you are able to get in touch with your health visitor?

You sound like you could do with some support and reassurance, and just a check to see that you are not depressed and projecting your worries onto your baby.

Babies are incapable of hating, promise! And mothering really is a one way street of you providing, don't take it personally.

The best, best, best book out there is an oldie but a goodie: Dr Penelope Leach "Baby and Child".

Why I like this book so much is that it explains things from the viewpoint of a small, helpless baby. When you are a new and overwhelmed mother, it helps you stop doubting yourself and have sympathy for your baby instead, gets you on their side.

It is a wonderful gentle and very reassuring book. Just makes everything feel better and less overwhelming.

Not quite the same situation, but hopefully this will reassure you it's just a phase...

I returned to work when DS was 10 months old. MIL kindly had him for us one day a week, when she would come to our house for the day and look after him there. When I'd get home from work, DS would cry when I spoke to him and try and wriggle away back to MIL. This went on for weeks, if not months.

He's now 19 months old and always happy to see me when I get home

My DC2 was like this. He's now 3 & absolutely adores me. It'll come x

She probably thinks you are a part of her

A phase OP!!! Totally normal!
Baby is secure and loved so doesn't fret if you go for a bit and come back.
It will pass ❤️

Maybe she was cross you went out without her? She trusts you enough to show you her real feelings and that she doesn't need to perform for you to be there for her. It's a compliment. Both my dcs were the same, and the dog is like it too. Also she has to cram in her daddy time into a short amount of hours because you are with her for longer. I think it's the opposite of hate. You are primary care giver, that can be trusted to be there 24/7. It shows what a good Mum you are.

Daddy too spicy! Oh my goodness

Screamingladysutch - pretty sure I'm not depressed. I feel fine apart from this issue. I'm going to check that book out. Just read some reviews and it sounds like it's worth reading. Thank you for the recommendation

Thanks for all of the replies and reassurance I hope it is a phase.

I hope it's a sign that I'm doing a good job. Sometimes I find it draining trying to entertain her all day. Then my husband comes home and her face just lights up (which is lovely to see). But I'd love for her face to light up for me too

My twins were both like this, and it upset me because I couldn’t been get one to to like me😂. But as a PP has said, they know that we’re always there for them and we do everything for them whereas everyone else is there to play with them. So of course they’ll be more excited for someone else than us.

Screamingladysutch - I have ordered the Penelope Leach book. Thank you for your help

I second ScreamingLadySutch's recommendation - just reread Penelope Leach with my 4th baby and it's still great.

You're doing a good job, and it can be draining. With a large family I'm now a lot busier but I think no more exhausted than having my.first, even when wonderful it is such an immense life change.

Do you have much support or socialising? This is the age when groups can come into their own a bit, they can enjoy the company of others and new toys while you get to take a breather for a minute and talk to other people who are likely on similar situations (even if at first glance they all seem to have everything perfectly together!).

2littleninjas - couldn't even get one to like you! That made me smile. Even though I know that it was probably upsetting for you at the time. Hopefully I'll be able to laugh when I look back at this time.

Stuckforthefourthtime - I haven't actually taken her to any baby groups. I have a 4 year old and took him to lots of baby groups but realised he wasn't that bothered about them and I didn't like going so I didn't do it this time. I'm almost at the end of my maternity leave but maybe I'll take her to a couple before I go back to work.