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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Contact with grandparents

25 replies

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 16:52

A brief background to my dilemma. I’m in the process of divorcing exh. He had an affair, lied about debt and was unpleasant towards our daughter. We also have a son. DD is 19. DS is 15.

Stbexh has not told the truth to his parents about why we have split, blaming me instead. He has told his parents to ‘ steer clear’ of me and the kids and there has been no contact for over a year. This weekend is their golden wedding anniversary and my kids are not invited. Rest of the grandchildren are.

DH has no contact with our daughter due to his treatment of her and minimal with our son ( couple of hours a week)

As it’s now been so long, should I approach them? I was thinking just an email to explain how hurt they are feeling. Or should
I just accept that they really don’t care and leave it. The longer time goes on the more awkward it seems. Ds and dd are both of the opinion they would some contact with their dads family but are also unsure of how to break the silence.

OP posts:

pusspuss9 · 09/07/2019 17:05

I think you should approach them . I think it's great that you are considering this and putting your children's feelings above the hurt that you must be feeling.

Chamomileteaplease · 09/07/2019 17:25

What are your ex husband's parent like? I would only make contact if they are lovely. You said the children would like to get in touch with the grandparents, do you think they have realistic ideas of what that could mean?

Your children only have minimal contact with their dad, why complicate things by involving his family? At the moment it sounds manageable.

Original poster

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 17:53

They are ok grandparents. Very naive and very old fashioned. They think the sun shines out if their sons backside but I don’t see the point of trying to put them straight.

I only have a very small family and would like DS and DD to know both sides.

The situation with their dad and minimal contact I don’t think will ever change. I do feel though that this shouldn’t be a barrier to them having a relationship with their grandchildren. Both grandparents are late seventies.

OP posts:

Summertimeatthebeach · 09/07/2019 18:34

Send them evidence if you can that he is a bloody cheat. He has denied his dc a relationship with their dgps..
Further confirmation of his twatism....

Original poster

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 18:37

Exactly my thoughts and why really I think I should contact them. They only have what he has told them to go on. One reason I think he has told them to steer clear is because he’s scared what ds and dd will say. What happened is nothing to do with them though and I would hate my parents not to be able to see them.

OP posts:

Summertimeatthebeach · 09/07/2019 18:40

Bite the bullet and send a letter. Does your divorce state he cheated? Send a copy.

Original poster

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 18:43

It does summertime. I also have copies of credit card statements that show how much he gambled and wasted on himself, it’s thousands.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2019 18:44

No matter what lies he told them about your split, it doesn’t explain them cutting off your DCs. Why do you think they’ve done it? I get what you’re saying about wanting the chance of a relationship with the other side of the family but nothing stopped your ex in-laws from trying to maintain contact with your son and daughter so I’d tread carefully.

category12 · 09/07/2019 18:58

I doubt very much exposing your ex's misdeeds will make them do a turnaround on contact.

Original poster

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 19:12

No I m not doing this to get back at him or to expose what a twat he is, just to support my kids have contact with their grandparents. They are very odd about somethings - don’t like to pry into what they see as ‘private business’ , his family are not good at facing problems and talking. They probably think they should do as he says.

I suppose I know that they do love ds and dd and struggle that they have chosen this.

OP posts:

pusspuss9 · 09/07/2019 19:12

for your children's sake I think you should try it. If things don't work out at least you tried.
At least initially I wouldn't mention your arsehole ex but as time went on I would let it be known what did happen, not necessarily directly to them but possibly to another of their close family members who would be certain to relay the info back.

Original poster

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 19:16

I think you’re right puss puss. At least then I’ve tried and the door is open. We’ve been on holiday recently and I was going to send a couple of pics over. They have both grown up so much since they last saw them.

OP posts:

PamGeo · 09/07/2019 20:43

First time on mums net for me but I didn't feel I could just read and run sorry.
It does sound as though your children would like some contact with their grand parents and their Golden Wedding Anniversary is a perfect opportunity to test the waters. Perhaps they could send a card from all of you and you could put your phone number and address on the back (I know they probably have it) this is not intrusive, it's also sending a very clear message that you are open for contact.
It's possible that he has lied to them as much as he lied to you, he could have said you don't want contact. If you had a good relationship prior to your divorce I'm sure they miss you as much as the grand children.
Take it slowly at first and let your children set the pace, they know more than we think sometimes and can make some very wise observations.
Good luck with whatever you choose to do

Original poster

Juststopit · 09/07/2019 20:52

Thank you. I’ve just sent an email just saying hello and congratulations from dd and ds and a couple of photos. It’s up to them now really.

OP posts:

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 10/07/2019 06:56

Tbh I don't think you should be explaining anything, it's irrelevant. The kids are old enough to make contact by themselves. I would help them send them a text and hope things go from there. Don't over complete things, it's purely about the kids seeing them.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/07/2019 07:50

This is really sad, especially for your children.
The fact the grandparents have basically dumped you after presumably 20+ years without at least hearing your side of the story speaks volumes about their characters.
Despite what they may or may not feel about you, I can't imagine any genuinely loving grandparents cutting their grandchildren off like that.
I think if you expose him it will be manipulated as "see, I told you what she was like, look at all these lies she's telling you etc.". It sounds like they will always believe him over you sadly.
You could try writing to them as a genuine request to re establish contact, but if no reply, sadly you'll have to leave it.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers · 10/07/2019 07:53

Also (speaking from experience coming from a very dysfunctional family) I'm sure you already do, but definitely encourage them to talk about their feelings about this and express their sadness and seek therapy if they need it.

Original poster

Juststopit · 10/07/2019 09:16

Thanks for your support everyone. Ex won’t let me or the kids have their mobile numbers unfortunately so texting was out.
I ll wait and see if their is a response to the email. I think I just struggle with thinking how could they not love their grandkids. We re very open at home and talk about stuff and my family are very open and shower ds and dd with love and support. I ll update as to how things go.

OP posts:

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 10/07/2019 10:01

My children also don't see their paternal granny, her son (my ex) is abusive and controlling, he's stopped them seeing the kids cos he's fallen out with them. Unsure what to do, my gut says do nothing and in years to come things may settle.

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 10/07/2019 10:14

I think the email was the right thing to do. Hopefully they will respond

Original poster

Juststopit · 10/07/2019 12:28

Just got a reply saying thank you for sending the lovely photos. Nothing else. It’s a start I suppose.

OP posts:

sadkoala · 10/07/2019 12:44

I wouldn't be able to help myself and tell them the real reason you split.

For all you know he could've told them you kicked him out and told them all to F off and that you don't want any of them in your or DCs lives...
He doesn't want the truth to come out because he doesn't want his family to know what a dick he is.

I'd say something along the lines of
"Glad you liked the pictures. I know we haven't been in touch since the split but I hope you are all doing well and I just wanted to let you know that there is no bad feeling towards you and DCs still ask for you and care about you very much. As you know since STBXH cheated and gambled away family money which resulted in the split he has asked me not to contact you and I am unsure of what he could have told you about my stance towards you so I just wanted to clear that up."

Or wonder better (as I'm not great at the written word as such).

JustmeandtheKIDS2 · 10/07/2019 13:24

No there's no point. If you want to maintain contact you have to put all that side, may
come up at a later date but not strait away. Rember why your trying to have contact ... For the kids so keep all that separate or your just ster up a hornet's nest resulting in the kids not seeing Thier grandparents, well what was the point.

category12 · 10/07/2019 14:16

I totally disagree with the advice to spill the beans.

They're his parents, they're almost certainly going to take his side, whatever happened.

He's already poisoned the well, so are likely expecting lies/bitterness from the op.

They've already chosen not to stay in touch previously, so will likely do the same again if challenged on his behaviour.

Even if they believe the op, they're unlikely to admit that. They're more likely to withdraw or respond angrily.

As the dc want contact, aim for that and civility, not your own vindication. It really doesn't matter if they think you're at fault. I mean if they started talking shit to your dc, that would be different, but assuming they're decent enough people, it would be better to shelve the stuff that can't be undone and is unlikely to be resolved or believed.

Original poster

Juststopit · 10/07/2019 14:49

I agree, there’s no value in slagging him off. His kids are well aware of what he’s like, they may well spill the beans eventually but I have nothing to gain. He’s a nasty piece of work but so is his brother and his dad. His mum has had a miserable 50 years married to him, I’m glad I’ve escaped.

OP posts:

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