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Original poster

WWYD - question about new guy

55 replies

SnakesandKnives · 09/07/2019 15:59

Hi everyone, I have a very minor issue I would be interested to get others views on as me and my friend don’t really agree on how to proceed! This is totally a first world problem and very minor so I hope I don’t offend anyone on here with actual serious issues.

I met a guy via an iPad game I’ve been playing for a while - it’s one where you’re in an alliance. Via the various Line groups for the game it came up that he lived not only in the UK as well but only 20 minutes away. He had always been a nice guy in the game and we agreed to meet at a pub between where we lived.

First time we met I got there early so I could do the Mumsnet recommended approach - see him arrive etc, not have to wander round looking for someone and all that. So i saw him arrive (seen pics of him). He was in a battered bright green Fiat which I only knew as I used to have one exactly the same (this is relevant!) Anyway - we got on brilliantly, had a great evening and I then met him there again the next week.

Roll on to last weekend and agreed to meet him again. Best friend was excited about all this and got me to agree she could come and pick me up so she could see him......so at the end of the evening we go out to the car park and I noticed his car wasn’t there and mentioned it. He responded quite oddly and was flustered just said he was getting a taxi - but was just a bit strange about it. He also said he’d book it when he knew I’d been picked up safely.

So get in car with friend and tell her and she immediately said ‘he’s married and getting picked up’. Am not proud but we agree to drive out of car park and park over the road and watch to see who comes. Instead literally 30 seconds later he comes out of the pub and walks up the road next to it and then unlocks a parked car which the doors open vertically on. Gets in and starts it with a noise like a roll of thunder and then drives off. It was dark and I’m not great with cars, but it was very low, very wide and clearly expensive.

So.....I have no idea what to think. He has been lovely online and in person, and seems really genuine......but he has obviously not been totally open.....and I don’t know why. Friend thinks I should confront him about it...I’m not sure it’s really my business.

So...what would you do and what does it mean if anything?!

Thank you if you bothered to read all that :)

S&N

OP posts:
Useruseruser91 · 10/07/2019 00:22

Perhaps he crashed his regular car and this is the hire car he was given by his insurance? He might be too embarrassed to tell you

FuriousVexation · 10/07/2019 01:28

@JellyTots2009

It's not nice that your friend immediately said he was married. Is she always this sceptical ?

She's probably on MN :D

OP I honestly don't have any hypothesis on this one.

It could have been a hire car and he was planning to drive you home but that got off track by your mate picking you up
It could be his Fiat was not his main car and he didn't want you to see him on a first date rocking up in his flash car due to "gold diggers"
Or maybe he's got concussion and can't remember which car is his

You're going to have to ask him. AND then report back.

TheGrapefulDread · 10/07/2019 04:44

I see you pressed the Uber Executive option last week ... don’t they normally have a driver too though ?

Original poster
SnakesandKnives · 10/07/2019 10:44

Thankyou all very much again for replying - seems a lean towards might have money and doesn’t want me to like him cos of it

Do you know much about his life in terms of what he does for a living, etc?
I’m embarrassed to admit that not really - he said he works at a digital agency. God that’s awful we have talked about my work stuff so much - he is a great listener and always remembers what we’ve talked about or messaged about and asks how things have gone and then we talk about me again. Blush Or just random interesting chat.

It's not nice that your friend immediately said he was married. Is she always this sceptical ? It made you think he was so you watched him?

I think we are both just a bit over invested in just the excitement of me meeting someone I really like.....it has been, well it’s been a long time! And yes it wasn’t at all right and we were acting like kids and a bit ‘ooh we can be Nancy Drew’. Not a good excuse I know.

I think if me asking is going to either actually uncover something or really piss him off then I’d rather know now - I’m only going to get more into this I think and he wants to see me again this weekend if I’m free.

I’m just going to say I saw it and see what he says - going to go with a version of TheGrapefulDeads suggestion and to keep it lighthearted

OP posts:
user1471504234 · 10/07/2019 12:19

There’s no need to say anything at this stage surely? He might wonder why you were still nearby. If I were you I’d just remember it, not mention anything yet. He hasn’t done anything wrong at all!

LorelaiRoryEmily · 10/07/2019 12:22

I wouldn’t mention it at all

PizzaFace12 · 10/07/2019 12:35

If he has money and didn't want you to know then surely getting a taxi there and back would have been a better idea?

Perhaps he borrowed it/ company pool car/ and doesn't want you to think he has money when he doesn't?

I can't think of any sinister reason behind it all so would leave it for now. Whatever his reason, if I were him I would be unimpressed by the spying. If he is concerned about trusting you that would do it!

hadthesnip2 · 10/07/2019 12:58

Nothing much to add to what's been posted only to say that only on MN's can a bloke be deemed "married" because he waited for a (non) taxi to arrive.

Lots of reasons already given re the 2 different cars. My bet is that he didnt want to turn up on the "flash" car first time around as he's never met you & just wanted you both to focus on the "date" rather than what car he drives or if he has or has not got money.

2nd date he might have wanted to impress you & then (as someone up thread said) was thrown when your mate turned up. (What are you.....14 ?) Might have been parked found he corner as he doesn't want to attract attention (I had a Mercedes as a courtesy car and turned the car locking sound off as it bleeped too loudly & didn't want to look conspicuous......esp in parts of London). He might also just like to drive it & wanted to give a spin after your date.

I had date last year & when asked what car I drove I was hit with brickbats when I said a Jaguar. It was as if I was the devil incarnate. She eve told me to park it around the corner when I went to pick her up as she didnt want friends or neighbours seeing her getting into something overtly flashy. Perhaps he's had the same experience, likes you, and didnt want to be judged.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 10/07/2019 13:26

Personally, I would not ask him.

By the sounds of how he is slow to open up and happier about you, I think he has been hurt in the past.

On your next date make a conscious effort to ask more about what he does etc.

Had he mentioned dropping you home before you told him your friend was coming to get you, or did you tell him about the friend before the date?

I am really nosey not and want to know the outcome of this! lol

Musti · 10/07/2019 14:01

There is absolutely no need to mention his car or mode of transport at all. It'll just make you sound weird. If you carry on dating you'll see soon enough (and you can report back Grin)

Summertimeatthebeach · 10/07/2019 14:04

Have you Googled him? I Google potential customers. Amazing what you can find out. Not always good but best he warned ime!
Once had a fling with a DJ who drove a Lotus. I stayed sober all night so I could drive us back!.
He dressed like a scruff tbh!! Didn't care - he was fit naked!!
Grin

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 14:27

Google him. I am betting he is just not wanting you to know he has money to early. Probably finds lots if women want to get to know him because of the money.

I met someone once (not romatically) on a game with Alliances (gods of olympus). My dh was in teb same alliance. We both got friendly with this guy. When talking about what we all do, it turned put be an actor that was famous in the 90s for a programme I watched. He now does loads of voice overs for quite famous cartoons.

Dh and I didnt believe him until he got us tickets for comicon in London and we met him. Still friends now and see him everytime he visits the uk.

I was surprised by how upfront he was about who he was, tbh. Doesnt surprise me that he is keeping his cards close to his chest.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 14:34

He obviously does want you to know. If he knows that you waited around and saw him, that will probably put him off.

And if he knows you know he has money, then he may think that why you accepted another date.

Proteinshakesandovieshat · 10/07/2019 14:43

Doesnt want you to know.

NoCauseRebel · 10/07/2019 14:53

I think it’s more of a red flag that you stayed behind to watch what he was doing. Very controlling and creepy IMO.

If a woman posted here that she’d gone on a date and it transpired that he’d hid across the road to watch her leave and doubted who she was she would be told to run for the hills.

And no, the fact he didn’t act as you thought does not justify what you did. If you already don’t trust him two dates in then he’s not for you. And clearly he’s quite right to not be too up front about his life because it seems he attracts all kinds of weirdos who watch him from afar

CrunchTime0 · 10/07/2019 15:05

@NoCauseRebel - the bloke was acting shifty.

Parking across the road and waiting a few minutes is nothing.

The op doesn’t need to justify anything! She hasn’t done anything wrong.

loobyloo1234 · 10/07/2019 15:09

I wouldn't mention the car yet OP. He'll probably never reply. Especially as it looks like you have deliberately held back to watch him which makes you look a little odd in all honesty

ravenmum · 10/07/2019 15:13

If you ask, you'll never know how long he was planning on waiting before letting you in on his secret ... and I agree that playing detective makes you sound a good bit more weird than hiding a posh car makes him sound Grin.

Cheeseandwin5 · 10/07/2019 15:15

He may have not wanted you to know about his car or wealth yet, which I think is fine, we all need to go at a certain pace in a new relationship
I certainly wouldn't mention the car to him, as you may then have to explain how you know, and to be honest if I was him I would be ending the relationship if someone started stalking me on the second date.

user1471449295 · 10/07/2019 15:17

I think he is wealthy but hiding it from you at this early stage

Waterfallgirl · 10/07/2019 15:20

Maybe he is very rich and has lots of women just going after him for his money? It must be hard to know if someone chats you up because they’ve seen you arrive in an expensive car or wear an expensive watch. Maybe he’d like to get to know you first (after liking you online) before he lets you know this info about him? I’m told that a lot of the bars around Cheshire are full of women hoping to bag a rich professional footballer - it must be hard to meet people if they know that about you first. Anyway OP who knows? If you like him see him again, stay safe meeting someone in the real world, and maybe don’t take your mate next time ( but text her details when you get home)!

theworldistoosmall · 10/07/2019 15:22

Don’t ask him about the car. Chances are you won’t see him again because you will come across as a possible stalker.

Not everyone is googable. The guy I mentioned isn’t, same with some other very rich people I know.

sadkoala · 10/07/2019 15:24

Honestly OP I would leave it for now.

If you really like him and get on well you don't want to potentially ruin it by revealing you watched him/have been nosey.

Doesn't matter if he drives a beat up Fiat or a flash Ferrari. Maybe he borrowed it. Maybe he's loaded. Maybe he valeted it for someone senior to him and had to drop it off with them (he could be an assistant).

Lots of possibilities.

I'd let it lie and see how things progress.

NoCauseRebel · 10/07/2019 15:24

No, he was protecting himself. On a second date he doesn’t owe the OP any kind of explanations. If she doesn’t trust him then end the relationship. Stalking someone on a second date is creepy and he would do well to run for the hills now. If the OP is stalking him already (and yes, hiding across the road to see what he’s doing is stalking) then god only knows what she’ll be like six months in.

If this was the other way around people would be crying abuser, stalker, nutcase etc about the bloke and advising the OP she’d had a lucky escape. But a woman stalking a man is seemingly perfectly ok even two dates in. Well it really isn’t. He doesn’t owe the OP anything at this stage, in fact I find it bizarre that a woman on here would be told the man was in the wrong if he e.g. ghosted her after two dates, yet a woman can stalk a man, pry on him, watch him from afar, whatever you call it, and this is seen as ok?

KurriKawari · 10/07/2019 17:48

See him again and see where it goes.