Finding it hard to think clearly about boyfriend

[StartingAgain33]

My boyfriend (31) and I (34) have been seeing eachother for 8 months and have lots going for us. We laugh a lot together, I fancy him loads, we have good conversation, he has similar values to me and he makes me feel largely supported. I quite often feel 'in love' and am generally happy most of the time when we're together.

I've been going through some difficult things since we've been together, and recovering from several years of traumatic life events. I've done my best to keep them out of the relationship but where I've needed support he has been there for me, or at least indicated he is happy to be if I tell him what I need (I have largely not leaned on him massively as didn't want to create that dynamic very early on - it got in the way in my last relationship and the guy essentially dumped me a month after my dad had died and when I needed him the most - leaving me feeling very hurt and abandoned - so I am wary of showing too much vulnerability at this stage).

I'm definitely looking for the one that I settle down with, as is he, and we've spoken quite openly about kids and the future. I think he's quite serious about me - he has said he doesn't take relationships lightly, and he's never had a serious relationship before. He knows it's unusual to not have had a serious relationship but says he was waiting for 'the one'. From the milestones we're starting to rack up (meeting family etc), and the way he looks at me sometimes, I think he may think I'm this person (he hasn't explicitly said this, and I don't know if he will - he's very shy and quite emotionally closed).

He is a good person, but he is also an awkward one with a cynical and sometimes quite distant exterior, which I think hides a fair amount of insecurity, and he can unwittingly trigger my insecurities and upset me with some of the things he says.

On the other hand, I think I have relationship OCD (yes it's a real thing) - I obsess over relationships being wrong in some way, usually by over analysing the other person's behaviour and words and worrying about things all the time. I've let a couple of great people go because of this. I know I have a tendancy to throw away relationships quite quickly, leaving the other person feeling blindsided and like they haven't been given the chance to work on stuff. At the moment there is a higher risk of this because I feel the pressure of having to find 'the one'.

What I'm saying is I think I make mountains out of molehills, but I have also been in a few past relationships where the person was abusive so I think my instincts are off. I've also been really burnt a few times and am probably not great at talking about my needs or knowing what the difference is between my gut and what is just worry and insecurity (the latter is there pretty much all the time). No one really feels safe.

Hence coming here to ask if you think these behaviours are ok, and whether you think I should try and work with them on him or whether it sounds like we are too incompatable. The things that bother me are:

• He's not very affectionate, and I need a little more physical touch. For instance, he hardly ever uses his tongue while kissing - preferring just to do little pecks and hugs. This feels quite distant to me. The other night he jokingly referred to me as 'like a mosquito' because I gave him a few pecks before sleep. I would have preferred a snog! I've told him that other people kiss for minutes on end and he seems not very enthusiastic about this. He says it feels 'dirty' (jokingly, but still), although he admits that when we do do it (occasionally) it turns him on. I found the mosquito comment quite offensive and sad-making as I don't like being framed as a nuisance

• Related to this, I've always really enjoyed our sex - he's very generous in bed, although he doesn't get as much out of penetrative sex as your average man does - his body works a little differently. The past three times in a row we've had sex he's not been able to climax, and hasn't seemed into it. I suspect he may have started antidepressants as this is a very common side effect, and he's been quite depressed from a lack of work and said he was going to go to the doctor's about it - but he's not told me. Either way, not great that I feel like sex is a chore now and like he doesn't trust me enough to tell me if he has started medication.

• He's naturally distant, and knows this is an issue - past women he's dated have mentioned this. He's not great at verbal affection. He'll compliment me, but has never really said anything substantial. He once said that 'of course' he thinks I'm amazing and 'I should just know'. I don't just know.

• Related to this, there is a fair amount of distance in our relationship and it doesn't make me feel like he's an integrated part of my life. It feels more like we're 'dating' still. That is also probably of my own making as I have a busy schedule and he's away with work sometimes, but I often feel like we should be a lot further along in terms of intimacy now. We've only spoken a handful of times on the actual phone despite me saying a few times I would like to more (and calling him) and him saying he would like to too (two of these phone calls have been from him, but it feels like it has been a big effort for him to make them which doesn't make me feel good). In general, I have to indicate that I want us to move forward in some way before he will generally respond and do it. So I have led a lot of 'progress' in the relationship. I think this comes from his insecurity and generally not having a clue how to operate in them.

• He can be a little snappy and behave slightly oddly. For instance, the other day I accidentally spilled chocolate sauce on his trousers and his first reaction was to be ultra annoyed and 'it was almost like you did that on purpose'. He made me feel like an idiot even though I was obviously sorry. He then tried to pretend it never happened and went to kiss me without actually saying sorry. He did say that he didn't mean it after he realised I was upset. I find it hard to ascertain whether this is just normal humans being humans and then being a bit defensive about saying sorry or the sign of an arsehole. The previous night he'd set one of my pans on fire and burnt the one thing he was helping me cook and I didn't say a word!

On the same day he came back with me to my flat, put a record on and just lay there listening quietly. I went to talk and he basically indicated I should be quiet as he was having quiet time. I found this rude and a little odd. In general he probably thinks I talk too much, and he is naturally quite introverted, although he is generally a good listener.

• Things feel a little unbalanced. For instance, he will let me cook for hours and then not help with the washing up, and doesn't cook as much for me. When he does I offer to wash up, but there's always far less to do as his meals are simple. The other night he sat there on his phone for half an hour while I cleaned everything after having spent the day travelling to and from another city to visit my dying uncle and then cooking him a three course meal. It felt selfish and rude. I worry this is part of a wider pattern of being waited on a bit by his Italian mother. He talks of cooking for me but has only done it twice.

• He's a cameraman, and his industry has been very quiet this year. This is making him very depressed. However, instead of hustling and getting a side job, or even doing jobs for cheaper rates for money, or growing his skills so he can do other kinds of film work, he mostly sits in a cafe feeling sad about the situation and writing scripts for a short film he would like to make (at his own expense ). He says he doesn't need money (he has savings, and seems to have no issue paying his rent - I think the work he does get covers this) - and that it would be different with mouths to feed.

In contrast, I've been working my arse off for the past three years to save money for a metaphorical baby and house deposit, going freelance and working night and day. I've also massively increased what I bring in money-wise and would in theory be able to support him if he was a stay at home dad, which he has said he would love to be. But I kind of want someone who's just as focused on being financially solvent as me, and it worries me he's not. I don't have lots saved up and certainly not enough for a London house deposit, which is where I live. I guess it's too early in the relationship for this to be an issue now, but I worry it will be in the future.

On the other hand I know that many women now earn more than their husbands, and being mostly quite feminist myself I'm in principle okay with that. I just don't like the idea of him being lazy. Am I overly worrying about this?

Sorry, realise this is a splurge. I guess I just feel generally like I'm not sure where this is going and whether my worries are justified. I'd really value your thoughts - are any of these deal breakers for you, or do you think my worries are just going into overdrive? Can you relate to any of this? Do you think these worries are resolveable?

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

If this is what it is like 8 months in then its not going to work out in the long run either. I felt exhausted and a bit sad reading your post actually because you are seemingly settling for so very little and I also think you are carrying him. He seems quite happy as he is to coast along and give you honeyed words now and again to keep you in line.

re your comment:- "At the moment there is a higher risk of this because I feel the pressure of having to find 'the one".

Who from?. Your own family or your own self because you are now 34 (and thus old in your head which you are most patently not)?.

re your comment:-
"What I'm saying is I think I make mountains out of molehills, but I have also been in a few past relationships where the person was abusive so I think my instincts are off. I've also been really burnt a few times and am probably not great at talking about my needs or knowing what the difference is between my gut and what is just worry and insecurity (the latter is there pretty much all the time). No one really feels safe".

I have read your post and I do not like the sounds of this man at all. He does seem to me like another abusive type and there are a lot of red flags about him generally (all this being that he is emotionally closed, his issues re sex, he is lazy and sits in some café writing a film script, the way he acted when you accidently split some sauce down him, his mother treating him like her little Prince to name but several). Why also are the other persons needs more important than yours?. I would read about being codependent in relationships and see how much of this fits in with you.

And he wants to be a stay at home dad so you will in all likelihood be carrying both the mental load and doing all the work re the house and baby at home!. I think he saw you coming frankly and you would be a fool to put up with this from him any longer. He does sound like an overgrown and petulant child who refuses to be an adult. Am certain too that his mother aids and abets him in all this.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. I do wonder if your boundaries still need more work because of the past abusive relationships you have been in (those certainly would have messed with both your head and boundaries here). Did you enrol yourself on anything like the Freedom programme run by Womens Aid when those ended?. Probably not but it is something I would advise you to do even now.

What does he really bring to the table here?.

OP, he really reminds me of one of my abusive exes and how our relationship dynamic was at the beginning. It was very hard to put my finger on what was wrong at the time but when I learned more about him it started to all make sense. Here's the similarities to my situation

1. the emotional coldness and lack of passion. He wasn't a great kisser and sex felt robotic and lacking in any spontaneity. Turned out he was emotionally unavailable, had several women on the go and was a narcissist so never really had any deep emotional connection with me (which I felt on a subconscious level)

1. The flashes of anger. My ex would get annoyed over little things or mistakes I made. He wouldn't go absolutely batshit but I could feel an undercurrent of constant annoyance if I made mistakes. His apologies were often forced, cold and disingenuous.

1. The little put downs. Constant little criticisms disguised as jokes or I was told I took things the wrong way if I became upset or challenged him in any way. I often felt like he was competing with me and didn't like me very much. If anything went well for me I could again sense an undercurrent of resentment (e.g. he refused to read one of my publications despite feigning interest in my career at the beginning and saying he wanted to read it). It was all small stuff at first but added up to bigger put downs later on.

1. Selfishness. He would happily sit and watch me cook and wash up and not lift a finger whereas I always offered to wash up if he cooked. Again, it started off with little things but essentially he was a selfish entitled bastard who didnt appreciate anything I did for him. This only ever gets worse and eventually you will find yourself running around after him while he sits on his arse.

1. ignoring me/minimising quality time together. As the relationship progressed, he would often sit on his phone during dinner or watch programmes only he was interested in. On valentine's day, I cooked a meal for him which he refused to eat (as he had eaten earlier despite knowing he was coming to dinner) and proceeded to watch football on his phone. When I said how rude that was he said I was being difficult and needed to get laid. He also started to reduce how much we saw each other during the week. He was cheating prolifically whilst he worked away. I felt like he was letting me know at these times how unimportant I was to him.

1. He always seemed low and down on his luck. No problems were as bad as his, no issue was as important as the ones he cared about. Essentially, only he mattered in the relationship despite what he would say to the contrary. This is called cognitive dissonance, where your reality (him saying he cares for you doesnt match what he shows you and how he treats you).

These relationships are really a death by a thousand cuts and only 8 months in I would be binning him off as a selfish boring twat who is shit in bed. The mosquito comment is a put down, designed to make you feel shit about something he knows bothers you (he knows you want to kiss passionately). He now has you self doubting and looking inward at yourself instead of focusing on the real problem here which is him.

I think what made you post today is your gut instinct screaming at you that the lights are on but nobody is home with this guy. He sounds emotionally unavailable (and possibly a narc) which is what you are picking up on. Never ignore your gut because it is picking up in things you are not even conscious of.

Your desire for a relationship (be honest with yourseld) is the only thing keeping you here with this guy as his good points sound like the bare minimum really. Good relationships should be fun and easy and relaxed and you should be good friends who can open up about anything to each other and both be actively trying to make the other feel loved and cared about. I've learned the hard way that if you are finding this many faults (niggles/doubts) at this stage, he is not the right man for you. I bet give it a few more months and you will see much more of his ugly side.

Another point is I could never really talk to said ex on the phone in any depth either. There was no real deep emotional connection because he wasnt capable of having that with anyone.

The fact that he wont passionately kiss you or enjoy penetrative sex makes me think he has a madonna/whore complex. It screams of mysogony as he can only see women as either a whore or a saintly virgin.

As for not being able to apologise when he has over reacted, no this is not normal and a huge red flag. Narcissists cannot take responsibility for their actions and will never admit fault (unless they are backed into a corner or are working hard to keep the facade in the beginning). Think about how you would respond if you had snapped at someone you love, this is how you should expect him to respond also if he was a 'normal' human being. He lacks empathy and I doubt gives a shit really how he makes you feel.

Narcissists are very irresponsible and that includes jobs and money. The fact that he sits in a cafe all day instead of actually finding more reliable work speaks volumes and I bet he isn't anywhere near as financially solvent as he makes out. I worry that he can sense you are a good source of reliable income and he is sizing you up so he can sponge off you (whilst playing off your desire to have a family).

If he becames a stay at home dad, I can guarantee he would sit on his arse freeloading off you all day whilst you hold everything together.

You sound like a lovely person OP and have your shit together. Guys like this often target strong independent women because the reality is they want a free ride. If he is this emotionally cold and critical with you, imagine what kind of father he will be to your child.

The fact that you are hyper vigilant about relationships makes me think you haven't recovered from previous abuse. Also, instead of trusting your gut, you are focussing on what you could doing wrong (or misreading or misjudging) which is a massive sign of previous abuse (all abusers make victims thing they are at fault). The problem is that when you do this, you are missing the huge neon sign that this guy is no good.

I would break up with him and take a break from dating to work on why you are willing to put up with such a shitty relationship. You are likely codependent (and very much a people pleaser) which you need to heal from otherwise you will continue to attract and accept sacks of shit like this man.

Gosh it all sounds such hard work.

You don't have relationship OCD. You have an anxious attachment style and he has an avoidant one. It's extremely common for these two styles to bond together in relationship. The bad news is that this combination of styles is usually the least happy of all relationship types.

Basically the dynamic is - you move towards him (trying to be intimate), and he moves away from you (because he doesn't like intimacy). The relationship has longevity simply because the person who wants intimacy doesn't want to stop trying / doesn't want to "give up on" the other person. Round and round we go, with much sadness and loss of self esteem.

I would say that his behaviours in general are classic of an avoidant type, and added to that, he sounds more selfish / unkind than the average avoidant person as well.

The "cure" for this dynamic is for you to dump him and find a partner who has secure attachment. A relationship with a person who has secure attachment will resolve many of your relationship problems, as long as you are conscious of what you are doing, e.g. you research adult attachment and start to get to know what you're dealing with.

Read the book "Attached" for more information.

This guy is no great shakes. He's selfish, uninterested in you, and most likely gets little ego boosts from upsetting you.

Good relationships feel like medicine for your soul.

He does not sound abusive! He sounds a bit depressed and rather lazy (though from the sounds of it, learned behaviour), plus not real big on emotions (which is fine, just not always compatible). He kisses differently to you and that's fine - everyone kisses differently. And it's absolutely fine for him to not rush to get extra work because he's not thinking babies right now - he can manage on his income and savings so why he should he feel the need to work more, particularly if depressed and if he has other things he wants to do. Plenty of people cut down their hours voluntarily so why shouldn't he make the most of a forced reduction? And if you spilt chocolate sauce on me I'd be a bit pissed off too!!
He may not be right for you and that's fine - he certainly needs to do more when he's with you. But enough with the abusive bollocks folks because actually plenty of men aren't abusive, they're just not right for you.

I'm sorry op, but I truly do not think he is the man for you. At all. I would end it immediately and move on.

Good relationships feel like medicine for your soul

So true.

And plenty of men are abusive Friar. None of us (including you) know for sure either way because we can only respond to what the OP has told us.

Differing opinions are the whole point of MN. Yours isn't any more valid than anyone else's on here

Thanks all. You've given me a lot to think about. I spoke about his behaviour on the weekend and he's admitted it was dickish to respond as if I'd done it on purpose re the chocolate sauce and he should have apologised straightaway. But lots of the other things are so subtle, it's difficult to talk about them - you're right, it's like death via a thousand paper cuts. He's away right now, and then I'd arranged on saturday for us to have dinner with a couple of my friends for the first time and I was meeting his sister for the first time on Sunday. I'm going to let this happen, as don't feel ready to make a decision right now, and then reassess over the next couple of weeks. I certainly feel way less enthusiastic about everything now, and have a low level of mild irritation all the time. I just want to meet someone who's lovely to me and matches me in terms of ambition and drive...is that so hard?!

You want him to be someone he isn't. That is a recipe for relationship misery. (Not saying at all that the problem is you - what you want is reasonable. But it's not who he is).

I think you're doing the right thing by being cautious and not allowing yourself to get swept up in feelings this early on. Your friends may be able to give you a different perspective too although remember that he is still on his best behaviour right now (and will be around your friends)

I always judge someone now on how they behave at their worst (as opposed to focusing on the good) because that will tell you much more about his character. Another point is that abusive or twatty guys often hide their behaviour early on (and hide it well) and it can be very subtle at the beginning so it can leave you confused. It's rare they start off by screaming in your face and calling you a bitch.

I think the fact you find him irritating is a red flag and I think you know deep down that you are settling for this guy. Always listen to your gut and not your head (for example dont focus on how he looks on paper but how he makes you feel when you are with him).

There are plenty of men out there who wont leave you with this niggling feeling you have right now and it's better to be alone and working on becoming your 'best self' (cliche but true) than settling for someone who irritates you. Trust me, after living together/kids/money worries etc these will turn into huge problems.

I settled and married an arse. I regret it every day of my life and I really hope you dont do the same.

Jaffa you have just described my ex to a tee.
Op I really strongly advise you to let this one go.
I wasted 15 years with my ex, always playing second best and comprising my emotional health.
In your position a sperm donator or adoption would be a much better option than having a child with your current boyfriend.
I know you think 34 is old, but it really isn't.

Interesting. Thank you. @Jaffacakesaremyfave I'm sorry you married the wrong person. It's so so easy to do. Are you still with him?

If it's any consolation, I've had the equivalent of 15 years of the wrong person....just different versions, haha. To be fair some of them have been lovely - I just haven't wanted to settle down myself. I want to find that person now.

@swissmilk how are you getting on now? Do you have a partner?

Are there any threads that address the financial / time costs of having a child solo, do you know?

I'm currently looking into freezing my eggs. I have about £35k saved up, but that's to cover that imaginary house deposit also, which in London is just nothing. I am freelance, too, so would get no maternity cover. I may need to rethink that (although my potential earnings as a freelancer are probably about £20k a year higher than inhouse, when I am able to work a lot - that wouldn't be possible with a baby though). I know there's the option of moving out of London, but my family and all of my friends are here. I think I'd get very depressed moving away, alone, just to be able to afford a baby, and I worry I'd not be able to manage everything on my own (ie bringing in money and raising the baby). Any pointers towards threads that might help would be useful!

@StartingAgain33, no I'm still in the middle of a divorce (which is another reason not to stay with your current guy).
I'm happier than I have ever been and have a good life, I've never been single before, and I love it!
I don't think my standards/boundaries are very strong, despite knowing what I want and need, I seem to settle for inferior guys, and 'down-date' - it really doesn't work, I am always unhappy when I do that. I need an equal partner, or to stay single.

There are loads of boards in talk which look at single parenting or going it alone from the off.
I'm sure there are a fair number of single mums on here who would like to wish away their horrid ex's and be able to parent completely alone. Money is a massive consideration, but you can have a child without being a home owner.

Ok, thanks @swissmilk. That's great that things are on the up for you! I really hope they continue. Yes, I love the freedom of being single and in charge of your life!

I also 'down-date' - I've got a tendency to feel intimidated by people who feel like a 'step-up' (or see people who are perhaps equal to me in many ways as 'above' what I can 'achieve' - horrible to think about dating in that way, but there is a truth to it!).

I don't even notice I'm down-dating until quite a bit in (usually around now) when the rose-tinted glasses come off, and I realise why I felt so comfy with them in the first place - I didn't feel challenged in any way. I also have a tendency to want to 'save' people without even realising, which I realise is counterproductive and also patronising towards them. Maybe there's a belief that if I put enough work in they'll somehow see it and reward me with unconditional love, or something. It's tricky!

And agree re renting with a child. I'd be up for that, i guess, as long as I was able to bring income in in a way which meant I didn't eat too much into those savings. I went to a very good university and all of my friends from there are now 2 or 3 properties up the ladder, but I come from a very different background to them and have had no help from my parents and worked for charities for much of my career. It's too easy to compare and feel behind, but I'm trying to be better at counting my blessings and making the most of what I have now.

swiss it's scary how similar they all are isn't it. Its like they have a hive mind!!

OP, no I am no longer married (separated 10 years ago). My exH was highly abuse and we have 3DC together and he was abusive to them too. Luckily we no longer have any contact with him but I have been a single parent living in rented (including London for 3 yrs) and although not ideal, I wouldnt say my DC were particularly bothered by it. The only issue is if you have a crap landlord or they sell at short notice (we have had to move so many times over the years due to this). I found it less of an issue in London.

What I found the hardest about being a single parent is the lonliness and constant reminders everywhere that this wasnt how it was 'supposed to be'. I've come to terms with that now but having 3DS (2 now teenagers) I can see how not having a dad is affecting them but if you have other positive men in your life (unlike me) then again it wouldnt be as much of an issue. I personally wouldnt have chosen to be a single parent but then I do love my DC and although it has been so so hard at times (I've felt like running away), I am glad that I have them in my life. They are the only people I can say I will love unconditionally (but dont always feel like I get that love back- teenagers can be horrible). It really is a personal choice which only you can decide is right for you.

Unfortunately, I never recovered from the abusive marraige and spent my life dating 'down' and trying to save men because I had zero self esteem left (plus issues from a narc father). This resulted in me having several short relationships with narcissists (I think I've dated pretty much every type). They were all off from the beginning, some of them were complete lame ducks who I tried to save. This is definitely people pleasing and is actually quite controlling when you think about it (e.g if I sort this person's life out he will have to live me forever).

After going through hell the last 2 years because of 3 awful consecutive relationships (two stalked and harassed me for months, one tried to get me fired from my profession and one stole thousands of pounds from me) I decided to finally learn about what was attracting me to these dickheads and why my self esteem is so low. I'm staying single now by choice as I need to recover from my codependency first (before this I couldn't bare being single).

When you have learned and healed from your past, you wont agonise about breaking up with these idiots because you will know you are worth more and that you will meet and attract the right person.

Just to add, I 100% would rather have had my children to a sperm donor (which is essentially what my exH ended up being anyway) than with the wrong man.

The difference is you wont have any expectations from another person if you choose to do it alone and can get your support network in place before hand.

What I found the most insufferable was trying to coparent with an abusive bastard. You can't escape and even when you leave the relationship, you are tied to them forever and they will continue to abuse you through the children and during visitation drop offs etc. Plus the unfairness of having a lazy bastard sat on the couch while you are running around, often insulting you for not doing enough while they barely lift a finger. It's the only time in my life I have felt so trapped and the loneliness in that situation is far greater than when a single parent. There is also the stress of what they are saying/doing to the kids, the threats of going for custody and introducing the kids to swathes of other women and most of these abusive bastards will do anything to get out of paying child support (trust me, the system is broken and many would rather quit work or do cash in hand jobs than pay for their children). The differences in parenting styles, having to cope with their extended family and not being able to move or choose where you live/where your kids go to school/religion etc. Abusive men will antagonize you every step of the way, whether they care about the issue or not. It's just another way to control you not to mention most abusive men massively ramp up abuse during pregnancy or with small children because they know you are vulnerable.

I think the fact that you are considering doing it alone whilst in a relationship tells you all you need to know about how you really feel deep down about this guy.

I was very young when I had my DC (I'm the same age as you OP and eldest DS is nearly 15) so I probably had a very different experience to the one you will have with your career in place and being more mature.

You sound lovely and have your life sorted. Don't ever settle like I did x

God @Jaffacakesaremyfave, that all sounds really hard. I'm sorry and thank you for giving me the benefit of your hindsight. I agree a break from men is a very good idea. Teenagers can be awful - I remember being like that myself. You've clearly done a good job in very difficult circumstances.

I've definitely been out with a couple of people with big issues myself (had an alcoholic first boyfriend, then a drug addict boyfriend at about 21 - although there's been some lovely ones too), although luckily have never been abused to the point that you have.

My last relationship was awful for reasons that weren't all the guy's fault - he got cancer 7 months in, and I basically ended up being his caretaker for 3.5 years. It was very, very difficult. And there were probably issues from the beginning about him being a dick but it was too difficult to distinguish what was him being very stressed and sick and what was the 'real' him. He was diagnosed only 7 months into the relationship, and leant entirely on me (his friends and family were crap, but also he didn't want to lean on them). I now realise how inappropriate it was for me to be his carer like that, but at the time I couldn't put down boundaries. If i did he would push them.

I'm not sure it's fair to blame him as he was going through so much, and who knows who he'd be if he didn't get ill. But he knew I wanted children etc and basically kept me around whilst knowing he was not up for this. I feel like I wasted years because I felt too guilty to leave him. And I ended up squashing my own needs and having those difficult conversations because it felt selfish and because he would guilt me when I tried to bring them up, saying it felt 'transactional'.

Then when, in the second half of the relationship, my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer and I became HIS carer my boyfriend was pretty rubbish. We ended up arguing all the time as I felt pretty resentful. And he dumped me two months after dad died, when I was essentially in the midst of a breakdown after all of the exhausting shit I'd been through.

It's difficult to blame him, as the relationship had broken down really and also he had been through so much. But he was so cold when we broke up - didn't want to keep in touch at all, even to check in on how I was doing. He ended up meeting a 22 year old ONE WEEK after he broke up with me. I crowdfunded a holiday for that fucker. Coordinated all of his healthcare. Was his cook, his cleaner, his counsellor.

I'll never know what was what in that relationship, and it's really affected my confidence. A big part of me believes he never really loved me and it was just convenient having me around.

It's terrifying how these men seem to spot women with a tendency to be the caretaker. But maybe I'm being unfair. He was facing death and that affects people profoundly. (He's okay now).

Just seen your second message. Aw, thanks @Jaffacakesaremyfave. My sister has had very similar experiences to you - almost word for word. He left her when she was pregnant with her second also, and had an affair with a woman who he got pregnant pretty much straightaway. The abuse he has given her directly, and via her children, is poisonous and should honestly be an arrestable offence (I wonder if it is). She's so tired by it all I think she's just put her energy into trying to live a nice life. She has found someone who adores her and is a very good replacement father figure (she did date down in terms of looks etc, but who cares if he's lovely). The bloke from before remains in the picture and she allows him to see the kids, although they're cottoning on now and aren't keen on seeing him. He currently lives with his parents, has no money and no prospects and is very sad his kids don't want to see him. The situation is very sad.

You should look into codependency op there are groups all over the UK/World (google CODA) - ive been going for a few years, it was what helped me get out of my horrid marriage

Thanks @swissmilk - I did go to one once but it didn't really click with me. It wasn't really clear exactly what problem they were trying to solve or where they were trying to get to if that makes sense? I guess that might come in time? I have done a lot of reading about codependency, I just didn't see how the group would help with those things as any advice or discussion between members seemed to be banned - so I felt like I couldn't get feedback on my faulty thinking patterns (maybe it's codependent to want that??)

What's been the most useful thing for you? Do you feel like it's setting you up better for healthier relationships?

It's definitely been useful to understand why my boundaries are so movable, and to look at my past to see where the traits that I have which don't lead to me choosing a decent partner and having good relationships (I have good relationship with my friends)

OP it sounds like you analyse everything your boyfriend is and does - how can he ever live up to your expectations of a relationship ?
I don’t think you are going to be suited for each other long term as you see too many faults with him already .

Thanks @Fidgety31. This is what I worry about - that I'm just looking for faults, and so I see them. I feel like I've done this before, and it has upset previous boyfriends when I've been unable to see how they feel for me or have assumed the worst about their intentions. But then lots of people come back confirming my worst fears about him being abusive so I get very confused :(