So sad for my little boy-father figure turned abusive to me

[Leerdammerandcrisps]

I posted a while back about this relationship under a different name. It was a FWB thing of over 3 years but we'd been best friends before and after. It's been over about 2 years but we remained friends until a year or so ago when the sexism, xenophobia and racism became very obvious. Then recently he went ape shit at me in front of my youngest child (he's 4) who was like a son to him (his words). My son absolutely idolised him and he was the dad he'd never otherwise have had. I started discouraging contact last year due to the sexism etc and then with the abusive incident it was game over. This guy lives next door (I know, I know) and so it's impossible to avoid him completely.
A few nights ago I'd tucked my son into bed and he asked me to sit in the chair for a little while (he sometimes does this). He suddenly started crying and said it was because this man he considered his dad was no longer nice to us. It broke my heart. They were so close at one time and had a lovely relationship and had had since my son was born.
I feel like I've failed my son by first of all getting pregnant to a man who didn't want him and has only seen him once, then being sucked in by someone who appeared to be everything and turned out to be nothing.
I've sworn myself to remaining single as I can't trust my taste in men. I've looked at the freedom program (abusive marriage prior to all this but he's still abusive now) and I just haven't the energy to deal with a relationship.
How can I make things better for my son?

I'm so sorry.

Your DS is a credit to you. For him to share his feelings with you in that way - that is special. Many parents don't have that relationship with their children, espeically little boys who are encouraged to keep feelings to themselves. You have done an amazing job and he sounds wonderful.

I am not an expert but I can tell you that I've felt as you do. I can also say what I did to get my DS of a similar age through it:

I hugged and cuddled him all the time. Any time there was a break in the day, even waiting for swimming lesson to start etc., I would just hold him and whisper in his ear how much I love him.
I reevaluated every part of my life looking for ways to spend time with him. If we ate Cornflakes for supper, that was fine. I stopped making beds and fussing over cleaning, if it meant we could just be together instead. If I felt even slightly under the weather, sick day it was and I'd keep him off nursery for a "mummy and DS day".
I started to take him for long walks where it was just me and him.
I took him swimming every week.

I also took time to pull my friends closer to me, to talk to them about how I was feeling so that I wouldn't accidentally put my emotions on my son. I wrote in a journal a lot in order to "purge" out the terrible feelings I was having regarding my split from ex.

I am the daughter of an angry mother and I have very little patience with children in general, also little patience with myself... I worked extremely hard to control my temper and be patient with my DS during this time as well. I am now largely free of my impatience issues because I was able to change my habits if that makes sense. Learned to think before I react.

I think the main thing is to just pour out your effort onto your DS and yourself. Build both of you up. Life will come with its slings and arrows, so spend all the time you have filling his little life with love and support, that way he carries Mummy in his heart even through the hardest times in his life.

You're in my thoughts. Be strong, be brave, and get help around you in any way you can.

Thank you for that lovely message. I have 2 DDs too, that do have and see their dad, so on the weekends they are with him, ds and I have lots of extra snuggly time. We snuggle every night in the rocking chair before bed and have a story. He's usually asleep when I put him into bed. We go away for weekends just him and me too sometimes and I tell him I love him many times a day and he tells me he loves me too. He's a very affectionate child.