Can i have a hand hold please

[inmyshoos]

8 mnths ago i met someone who i completely fell for. Felt like the one id been waiting for my whole life. However very quickly it transpired he had/has significant mh issues. He had a horrendous childhood and the whole thing is tragic and heartbreaking.

However in the 8 mnths of being together he has finished our relationship 3 times and each time is a mirror image of the time before. All mh stuff, typical of someone with trauma. Understanding it doesn't actually make it any less painful to deal with. He goes from full on love like ive never known to running blind away from me in survival mode. He then becomes depressed some weeks later and often suicidal, feels huge guilt at the mess he has made, hurt he has caused etc. He actively encourages me to walk away and quite rightly says i dont need this in my life.
But i love him and i have so far stuck with him. He sought help and things were improving until the most recent episode and now i feel in my head i should walk away. I dont want to be on this emotional rollercoaster.

At the moment he is quite unwell but in this mode he cant see it. Even if you point it out, explain it, ask him to read back to our messages during previous cycles... nothing brings him back until it happens naturally for him. It has to run its course.

Im exhausted. I feel physically unwell, like my heart actually hurts. I know i need to walk away and forget him but its so hard. I know he isnt my responsibility but Im also terrified one day i will find out he has taken his life and feel i let him down, even though i know its nothing to do with me. He has attempted this many times and has lost two members of his immediate family from suicide.

Ive never loved anyone like i love him. Yet i wish id never met him.

I need someone to lock me in a room without a phone until the pain goes away and i can move forward.

Please please be gentle with me

oh, I'm so sorry op, that sounds horrible. No advice but didn't want to read and run. Do you think he'll get better with time or will this relationship always follow the same pattern of everything good for a bit and then terrible lows?

Thank you for replying. Feels like a life line for which im grateful.

I think he might get better but it will take years and im not sure my heart can take all the damage and uncertainty.

Its so incredibly painful to watch someone so gentle and kind become unrecognisable.

I went through this and know how hard it is. You’re in the ‘scarcity’ mindset, that’s what keeps you here and makes it so painful. But there will be other men for you to meet and fall in love with. Healthier men who won’t inflict this pain upon you. What you have now is not worth it - it will completely ruin you in the long run.

You sound lovely and caring, is he getting any support from MH team? Is he on any medication or could he be for when he is having down times?

He was on meds for 3 months but as previously throughout his life he comes off them as they make him feel numb and lethargic.
He has seen an amazing therapist but only twice, now he is having an epidode he feels he is fine, he has been given the tools to heal himself apparently. The reality is more him being at the start of a very long and difficult journey to recovery. When he is well he knows this.

Oh OP, that must be even tougher for you to see.
You need to look after you, which you know. Sending you strength to get through this.

I'm so sorry. It's difficult for you both but in a way you've answered your own question in your post. You know what you should do but thinking it and doing it is much easier said than done. You must put yourself first for your own MH and being with him will drain you completely. Would you be able to still be a friend to him but just not so involved? Again, easier said than done I know. You sound like a lovely caring person , sometimes a downfall in situations like this. 💐

Ive considered that we coupd be friends but part of our connection is that feeling of true love, the passion where you feel like you cant get enough of each other and i think for both of us we would struggle esp if anyone of us moved on relationship wise. Its something we have discussed when he is well. We have tried various things but its hard to not just get carried away with what feels natural. We have tried a more measured relationship, quality time over quantity but ultimately when he is well it feels like the most natural thing to be together as much as life allows.

The whole situation is incredibly sad. My heart aches for him, for his inability to be in a safe and loving relationship because he is more comfortable with the familiarity of discomfort. My heart also hurts for me, for how unfair it all seems. So many years of unhappiness behind me and when i finally find this being with a kind and beautiful heart it can't cope with being loved.

op, I understand; was just thinking of a happy medium where you didn't completely walk away but could still be of some support. It sounds like he might need alot of therapy and it's whether you're prepared to go through it with him so to speak. It's so sad that he has said to just leave him as he's obviously aware what it's doing to you and doesn't want to drag you down with him so at least he has some awareness of your feelings which accounts for something.

Hi OP, I am so sorry you have fallen for someone who is not good for you. It really quite sad.
I do believe everyone deserves love but there is also a part of me that feels people, like your DP, with MH issues can be very selfish by getting into relationships when they can't give them 100% (sorry if that sounds unfair). This is as unfair on you as it is on him.
Sadly you do have to walk away but you already know that. He is the only one who can sort out his problems and seek the help he needs. You're not responsible for his happiness but you are for your own.
I hope you can find the strength to move on from this and find someone who can give you the relationship you deserve.