Where have they gone?

[blahblahblabblahblah100]

Not sure if correct topic to go under...but hey-ho!

Since I've had my little boy I feel like my friends have vanished!

One friend I've been friends with for 30 years...when she had both her children I made an effort to see her once a week where possible (on average 45/52) as I didn't want her to feel like her friends were no longer interested (she was the first to have children, being 19 with her first)
I always made an effort to message and ask how she was and just chit chat....was there for her when splitting with father of each child (happened twice) supported her through a secret abortion, and I feel in general a good friend...my child is 22 weeks old...she has come to see us once at home. I've seen her on three other occasions as social gatherings. I feel I was a really supportive friend when she become a mother, and feel hurt that it appears she isn't even interested. I know liked goes on, but I made a real conscious effort for her to not feel like her friends abandoned her, as she often would say other friends were no where to be seen.

My second friend who I thought was a good friend I've seen twice in the last 14 months! Once whilst pregnant and once whilst having baby. I thought we were really close...I supported her through a really difficult time a couple of years back, checked in daily only with a text to make sure she was okay (a very tragic time for her and family)
I message frequently asking to meet up for coffee and get ghosted. I only ever hear from them when they need help with work stuff (we met through work, and she asks my opinion and help often)

I just feel hurt that since I've had my baby, people who I thought were real friends have pretty much dropped me like a hot potato!

I've had a rough time since birth and have no friends go talk to about it...not through trying, as I have asked to meet up

Husband still sees friends all the time, plays sport most weeks and has two planned weekends away with them...always having a laugh on WhatsApp chats etc and friends often ask how baby is and how he is finding parenting...

Guess I'm having a bad day and feel sorry for myself! And tbh lonely...think I'm getting PND as baby is so hard atm and I'm at a total loss

I'm sorry you've had a rough time since birth: it's a difficult enough time in your life anyway, and you need human support.

Friendships can suffer when you aren't sharing the same trials and problems, but they can flourish when you go through the same things: it's far easier to bond and find things to talk about if both you and a friend have had a baby at the same time, but less easy if you're at different stages. It sounds as though your husband's friendships are kept strong by the shared sporting activities.

When I had my first baby I found the same as you: people vanished, at least until I was ready to go out and be sociable without it being a sticky, complicated ordeal. I could understand why: it was far less exciting for them to come round and sit with me in my pyjamas, pinned down by a baby to a chair all day, than if we'd gone out for a drink or something more exciting.

What you need are friends going through the same thing as you, at the same time as you. If there are any parent & baby groups nearby, even if it sounds like the last thing you want to do, give them a try. I made a really great friend this way, and I wasn't expecting to at all. I've made a lot more friends since my kids have been at school, and they're successful friendships because our kids are all the same age: the things we're trying to work through are the same, so we can relate to what's on each others' minds.

I'm sorry your two 'friends' have flaked out on you. I'd stop thinking of them as friends now, if I were you: if you expect nothing from them, you won't be disappointed. I really hope you can find some local new parents to share a coffee with: it is hard, and the tiniest bit of company makes a huge difference.

Have you made contact with them and asked to meet up?

Sorry you're having a bad time! Both my husband and I have "lost" a couple of close friends since having a baby. It really stung. We were the first of our friends to have a baby, although some are catching up now.

What helped me:

Talking to professionals about my shitty, shitty birth - birth reflection at the hospital and some private counselling.

Going to mum groups and making a couple of new "mum" friends, who I can do all my "baby chat" with, as they're going through the same thing.

Acknowledging that I had - as much as I probably thought I hadn't - changed, and that my life had changed, and that my baby was an important part of me now. Probably the most important part. And coming to terms with the fact that if friends couldn't cope with that for whatever reason, the friendship was naturally going to cool for a while - maybe not for ever.

Making sure that I had some non-baby time, so I could go out with friends, do things and have things to talk about other than my baby. Exercise, politics, days out, whatever. Because however much you love your baby, he's probably boring to someone else, and that's ok!

Hope it gets better for you. Entering motherhood is a challenging time.