Husband becomes awful when drinking - is it better to put up with this every so often or separate and face a life alone. I'm so fearful

[Ineedhelptocope]

Married 9 years. No kids together but I have two adult children one of whom is at home for now. Various episodes of varying degrees of aggressive behaviour when drinking over the years. Has said some truly awful things and had at times scared me. I now feel anxious when he is drinking. When we go out I start to sense he is approaching that stage. I am wary about what I say and generally stay quiet. If he is out with friends I make sure to be in bed when he comes home. Lovely when not drinking. Goes out of his way to help me and do things for me. Kind and supportive. Had another episode on Saturday and he has now left and we are separating because I had had enough. Now feeling terrified of the future and being alone. Feeling I have been too hasty. Feel so low that it has come to this. I am 52 and facing a life alone.... or should I just put up with it.

Let him go. Unless he's an alcoholic he could easily give up drinking for you. If he is and can't it will only get worse. He is choosing to drink knowing he will be horrible to you, it's a choice that shows he is not worth your effort.

Better to be a day alone in your own company at peace than walking on eggshells every day for the rest of your life with him.

You can't control him.
You didn't cause his drinking.

Don't give him all the power by seeing yourself as an extension of him and the relationship. You are a valuable person in your own right.

I'm willing to bet that you've lost contact with friends and family as a result of this relationship. Now is the time to recreate those bonds.

Grab your freedom by the horns and live life without feer of an aggressive drunk man.

Is he an alcoholic OP?

Even if he’s not, he still clearly has a problem with drink because it’s mainframe him angry and aggressive with you. He needs to first of all recognise that he has this issue and if he can’t not get angry then he simply needs to give up drink altogether. And either way he needs to get help and that would really be the only time (when he admits he has an issue and gets the help he needs) when you could work on things.

Unless, has he been violent towards you? In which case, you should definitely leave.

He only becomes like this when drinking. I just feel so so low right now. My family have had a terrible two years and this feels like the end of the road for me. I am facing life alone...my greatest fear.

No he is not an alcoholic

Fear of a possible (loneliness) vs definite regular fear (of him) for the rest of your life?

In my estimation, you are already alone now (hiding away, trying to make yourself invisible when he's drinking, him ruining all your socialising), with the possibility of being NOT alone if you leave.

52...you've got 30-40 more good years in you. Go live them on your own terms, not cowering in fear to this miserable, drinksy arsehole.

You are 52 so not ancient by any means!. Do not martyr yourself on this supposed altar of being alone. Feel the fear and continue with separating from this drunkard and abusive man.

Better to be on your own than to have an abuser or alcoholic in your life in any shape or form Being on your own in a relationship which you are in effect is far worse than being single because his primary relationship is with alcohol. That is also fuelling the abuse and the two go together.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?
What is so bad to you about being on your own anyway?. Who taught you that piece of nonsense?. Have you not suffered all enough at his hands already?.

Deal with your issues pertaining to codependency through counselling as well; this will help you no end. His needs and wants are not more important than yours.

Loneliness when I am alone I can deal with

Loneliness in a relationship which is good 'most of the time' but horrendous otherwise, not so good.

I am facing life alone...my greatest fear
Seriously Op. You are looking at this the wrong way.
You are facing a life........
free from feeling terrified
free from being on egg shells
Free from aggression and abuse.
To be honest I would be grabbing that life with both hands and running!!!

You have older children.
My DD is 21 and I am basically alone.
But she is great and keeps an eye on me.
I love it!
(I'm 50's by the way)
I have a puppy who keeps me busy.
I don't need nor want a man in my life right now, other than my wonderful dad.
I've been screwed over too many times.
I have great friends. A hobby I enjoy.
I can watch what I want on TV.
Eat what I want.
Sleep when I want.
No-one snoring beside me.
No-one taking up space in my bed (apart from the puppy)
I go out as and when I want, with who I want.
What's not to love about that???

Maybe get it touch with Al- Anon.
They may be able to offer you some support on the drinking.

But honestly. Be rid of him.

You won't have to modify your behaviour.
You won't have to walk on eggshells.
You won't have to be in bed pretending to be asleep.
You won't be watching for the 'signs' that his is getting to that stage.
You will be freeeee!!!!!!!!!

I have plenty of interest as I really don't look my age but I'm simply not interested!
Live a happy single life.

Why are you facing life alone? 52 is no different to any other age. Be alone if you want or not but don't put up with this abuse any longer.

Thank you for your kind posts. I am just not sure I can take anymore. My family have been torn apart by recent events. I am just struggling to see any joy in life. My marriage ending is probably the final straw

Or could ending your marriage be closing the book on two awful years and looking to the future?

I have been you. ExH liked a drink but his whole personality changed, real Jekyll and Hyde. I hated it. I put up with it for seven years then decided I wanted more from life. I don't regret it for a minute and life is full of wonderful opportunities.

Being alone is better than wishing you were! Seize the day and good luck xx

And also, don't buy into this we must be with someone. Life is a journey not a tick list of conforming ideas. My mother drip fed me such beliefs and it's one of the reasons I married exH in the first place, because I thought that's just what you did. Gawd if I could have gone back and had a word with my 20 year old self. She still does it btw, little bits of her wisdom and suggestion thrown in to conversations that rile me no end. People who have such beliefs want everyone to be like them so they feel comfortable with their own life decisions. Do what you know to be right for you.

Every time he's got drunk, he's started sober. The decision to drink, knowing how he will behave towards you, knowing how scared you are, is made sober. Even today, knowing this could end your relationship he has not said 'I will give up drinking'. He's not that lovely.

he IS an alcoholic.

he is causing problems with his drinking. People who are not alcoholic do not do this. He IS an alcoholic whether this happens every week or only once a year.

You can give him an ultimatum and mean it - either you seek help for your alcoholism or I will leave you. Or you can put up with this, and it will almost certainly get worse, for the rest of your life

I am a (sober) alcoholic and I didn't cause anything like the stress to my family that this man is causing to you. Alcoholism is no respecter of class, gender, wealth, or background. Its an illness but fortunately if alcoholics do not drink alcohol they are just lie everyone else.

Get your head out of the clouds look at the reality. Contact Al Anon for some support for YOU and make a plan to confront him (when hes sober)

You are me OP but I am further Down the line. Been together 42 married 32 years, 18 months ago decided I’ve had enough, everyone has their breaking point seems you’ve got there too. Get out OP, please do not stay, life is to short to live this way, it will not change and you deserve more. It’s so mentally draining, my husband too is a totally different person when he’s been drinking so much so that I don’t recognise him, absolutely bizarre. Marriage shouldn’t be like that, without respect there is nothing. My husband has lost everything to this horrendous addiction. Run and don’t look back. I’m so sorry for you. Your words make me shudder, text book alcoholic I’m afraid,

If he value s his drinking more than he does you, that says it all.
Good luck with moving on, it is a positive move. Life is a balance, at the moment the negative side seems to be winning.
Take control.
You CAN do it.

My husband off 20 years with 3 kids out off the blue 6 weeks ago told me he was leaving me for his dental nurse , 10 years younger than him. I also worked in the practice & worked/had lunch & was good friends with her. I confided in her, & never seen this coming though in hindsight there were signs. They now are living in our holiday home together, though not full time as she has children at home too-she stays //3 days with him. Can anyone advise if I can stop her staying in the property if it is registered in my name also or because it is not the martial home is it allowed. Her betrayal & deceit is hurting me more than anything. I have had to leave my job also while they work away together & she is enjoying my lifestyle. It’s emotionally tearing me apart.

Blackvodka it may be more useful to copy your post and start your own new thread as people may answer the original poster and not you in this one.

Also regarding the house you could also post in Legal as there (you may even get a helpful lawyer or two as well writing a few words).

Also post in employment issues re leaving your job (constructive dismissal etc.)

He is sober when he decides to start on a path to this. So he's not perfect when not drinking.