Can I DIY mediation? Would this work?

[TheTigerThatAteEverything]

Horrible situation with ex DP, who is father of 3yo DD.

We separated a year ago, and share care of DD 50/50 on a 2/2/3 rolling schedule.

As the relationship was dead in the water for 2 years before that I have moved on emotionally and have a ‘boyfriend’ - this is a big issue for Dp who refuses to speak to me or discuss anything about DD, he is rude, spiteful and tells me in front of DD that he hates me and that I am ‘scum’ for daring to end the relationship and move on.

He vacillates between anger and upset, sometimes telling me that he wakes up crying every day and other times that I am cruel and selfish. I have suggested counselling and/or GP as I believe he is depressed but he rejects this.

Ok the last switchover day DD was at her grandfathers and due to be collected by ex DP, she did not want to go with him and told Ex that...he took her anyway and refused to provide me with any update about how she was over the next few days and would not answer the phone to me.

DD still says she does not wish to go to her fathers and I do not know what more I can do, I don’t want to force her and also don’t want Ex to think I am stopping her going.

I can not afford mediation and wondered if it would work to hire a room/space for a few hours and have all interested parties (grandparents etc) together so we can all discuss whys best for DD....has anyone done this? I’m thinking that this would also allow people to tell me if I am being out of order in a nutral setting.

It could be embarrassing for your ex to discuss everything in front of yours and his relatives.

Is there not anywhere that offers it for free? Or discounted? Trainees?

How do you normally communicate? Via text, call or email?

No do not do this. Nothing good will come of it.

Was this agreement made on a legal footing; it seems not and you are now paying the price for that poor decision. If he does want to see his child (and tbh I think he is and will just simply use her as a further stick to beat you with) then it should be done formally and through a contact centre. He is really not bothered with her at all, his main preoccupation seems to be simply to punish you further for having the utter gall in his eyes to actually leave him.

He was abusive to you and in turn your child when you were with him and he will simply try to control you further now that you have separated (thankfully) from him. You cannot at all reason with someone like this so do not even try.

That sounds like an absolute disaster.

Have you got a legal agreement?

How much of his behaviour do you think is due to depression against he actually being an abusive arse?.

Depression doesn’t lead to abuse, and not all people with depression are abusive. It’s more accurate to say that sometimes, abusive people also have depression.

And if people with depression are capable of controlling behavior, then they are also culpable for it. I am not at all surprised he won't go to the GP.

He is more than adept too at blaming you for his problems and that is something all abusive people do to their intended target.

He's not depressed, he's an abusive, manipulative twunt, who's pissed that he's lost control and possession of "his woman".

Can you afford a solicitor?
Formal child arrangements would be the best way forward, here. Keep all abusive emails, texts etc, and keep a diary of the verbal/in person abuse and/or child neglect and missed visitation. Provide to solicitor.

I'm not saying your ex isn't abusive, I've never met him so don't know.

However, if you're happy that he takes good care of your DD I wouldn't be letting a 3 year old dictate the arrangements. They have very little idea of what's best for them at that age so as long as she's happy enough when she's there she should go.

There is no legal agreement, we were not married and just drew up a schedule of care which has been stuck to rigidly on both sides.

I don’t doubt that he was emotionally abusive. And still is.

What I need is for him to be able to communicate with me, as adults, he loves DD but is not putting her first in his desire to snipe at me!

"I don’t doubt that he was emotionally abusive. And still is.
What I need is for him to be able to communicate with me, as adults, he loves DD but is not putting her first in his desire to snipe at me!"

That will not happen because he is abusive. This man as well only loves his own self and his actions are about power and control.

If he truly did love his child, he would not be treating you as her mother with such disdain. He is still very much trying to control you and in turn your daughter.

You need legal advice now and I would also look at formalising all future arrangements through a contact centre.

Abuse is not about communication or a perceived lack of, its about power and control. This person still wants absolute over you and your child.