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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do!

26 replies

Notjustaparent · 08/07/2019 22:32

It’s a long one and complicated-sorry! So...start of the year I found out my husband of 14 years has been accused of a fair few awful crimes...one of which I have seen evidence for and was enough for me to say it’s over.
Since then, he has been on remand in prison and I have started divorce proceedings. I met a guy on tinder (I told him when we first met about my ex) whom I dated for a couple of months (he was super keen) until he said ‘he needed space to get his head straight’
Fast forward on another month and I was out with friends and really clicked with a friend of a friend. Ended up back at his place. We have been speaking most days ever since, and met up several times a week since (it’s been just over a month). Most the time we just talk, cuddle and watch films. Enjoy each other’s company and he always give me a kiss when I leave/he drives me home. We live in a small town so he knew about my ex and I have spoken with him about it. He has had a rough time with his ex too but just in the normal ex problem way!
Anyway, I have been advised by the police to move out the area because of my ex...this also means away from the guy I am seeing...he has 50/50 custody of his son so will need to stay in the area. Is it worth pulling the plug? Or sticking with it and seeing how it goes?
We both have said we really like each other-but we didn’t want to get too close because of my situation with needing to move. I just don’t know how to handle it!
I don’t want it to be over-and from what he has said, he doesn’t either but is preparing himself for it being over.
I think it’s worth us keeping going and seeing each other once a week or so around childcare commitments even with the distance. (I have two kids obviously with me all the time)

OP posts:
pebbleo · 08/07/2019 22:42

Is he a danger to you or the children?

pebbleo · 08/07/2019 22:43

Would moving out of the area actually help?

BumbleBeee69 · 08/07/2019 22:43

if it's just over a month, I'd leave, but I'd give him the option to go if you feel it's got a future, don't just assume he wont go too. All he can say is, no. Flowers

Original poster
Notjustaparent · 08/07/2019 22:49

The problem with my ex is the court case is a 6 week trial and has about 14 victims. Nothing against myself or our children, however due to the nature of the charges, it will be very public and totally awful. When it was first published online that he had been arrested, lots of people started avoiding me. The gossip about it and reporters etc in a small town will be a safeguarding issue with the children. So we need a fresh start.

OP posts:
Likeazombi · 08/07/2019 23:49

If you and the children need a fresh start, you need a fresh start.
Forget about some bloke you've known a month and put yourself and kids first.
Seems like a no brainer to me, there will be other men, you only get one shot at doing beast by your kids.
How have you managed to see each other a few times a week with two kids?

Original poster
Notjustaparent · 09/07/2019 00:20

How have you managed to see each other a few times a week with two kids?

My kids are 11 and 14 so I go out when they are at friends etc.

I’m not putting anyone other than my kids first...that wasn’t the point of my message.

I AM moving regardless, the question was do I cut all ties even though we both have feelings for each other, because we won’t live in the same town, or do I try and push for a ‘long’ distance relationship? We are both new to dating and quite frankly even if we lived in the same town it would take a while to involve seeing each other’s kids. So in my head a 45 min drive away isn’t such a bad thing...just means seeing each other will take more planning.

OP posts:
hadthesnip2 · 09/07/2019 00:46

So, the man you've been married to for 14 years gets put on remand & within 6 months you've dated 2 other men. And you have 2 children under 16. WOW.

I wont post anymore but I'm sure you'll be back in a few months with more angst & drama. I just feel sorry for your kids. One parent in prison & the other jumping from bed to bed.

Graphista · 09/07/2019 00:54

Sorry but I agree. You're NOT prioritising your kids!

This must all be absolutely horrendous for them and now they're probably going to be having to move school and leave friends & hobbies and deal with all of that!

Frankly the last thing you should be doing is dating.

Forget this guy, support your kids, get your head on straight and when things are much calmer then think about dating and even then you need to approach it slowly and sensibly.

canyoufeedthedog · 09/07/2019 01:00

If the offences your long term partner has committed are serious, which from your post they seem to be the very first thing you should be doing is protecting your children. If you have reporters outside your door then it's serious and your priority is your children and how they are getting through this. Sorry this has touched a nerve, I was 15 when a member of my close family did something awful. The fallout for me at 15 was awful, no parent was looking out for me because all they saw was themselves. I was papped going to school so I stopped going, my Mum was involved with someone else as well. It left me devastated

canyoufeedthedog · 09/07/2019 01:06

I've just reread your kids are 11 and 14 PLEASE put your children first

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2019 01:30

I'm sorry but I agree with the second and third posters, this isn't where your head should be at all!

Rachelover40 · 09/07/2019 01:32

Op has said she does prioritise her children She may appear to have moved on quickly but that does not mean she is behaving inappropriately, ie in front of the kids. She's been through a lot and is now finding out that life can be fun.

Notjustaparent, you could move not too far away from where you are now and if you don't have an unusual surname, no one needs to know about your ex husband. Find a place/road that is fairly private, where the neighbours aren't nosy. You can usually tell what sort of place it is by 'casing' the area.

I suppose your children will have to move schools and leave their friends behind but if you are a constant presence and nurturing, they will adjust.

There's no reason why you cannot continue to see this new man but it is early days, don't raise your hopes too much. You're quite vulnerable so do build up some self protection - and don't confide everything too soon.

All the very best Flowers.

AnneLovesGilbert · 09/07/2019 01:34

Sounds like some hectic displacement going on OP. You’re quite casual about discovering your husband is a criminal and your life as you knew it has exploded. Have you really started to process it or are you throwing yourself head first into this new relationship as a way of avoiding the awfulness that has and will continue to unfold around you and your children with the court case?

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2019 01:35

I'm sorry but I couldn't be having "fun" while my children's lives were being uprooted and ripped apart, I wouldn't be giving anything else but my children a seconds thought during this and knowing a 6 week trial is coming up aswell...no sorry

1forAll74 · 09/07/2019 04:02

I wouldn't have thought that you would need any man in your life at this present time. But just to move away with your children,and try and get a more happier life together after all that's happened. If it was most people,I think they would only wan't to have head space for thinking about a new start for the children and oneself.

Original poster
Notjustaparent · 09/07/2019 07:07

For a place that brags about being non judgmental I am totally impressed. 🙄

I’m actually not going to bother on here any more-not even to defend the attacks that have been made.

Thank you for the couple of supportive posters that didn’t jump down my throat. For the posters that thought attacking me and my actions is ok...tbh it’s you and your children that I worry for as quite frankly that is just you being a keyboard worrier.

OP posts:
Scarlettmaid · 09/07/2019 08:15

Hahaha you gotta love those sanctimonious posters who just know exactly how they would behave, impeccably of course, if the situation was theirs.
One poster actually speaks from experience as a family member did something awful when she was in her teens, so I would listen carefully to her advice.
Hadthesnip2, bloody hell, you do know OP did not commit the crime, right?

Although I agree that moving away and starting afresh is for the best, and that OP needs to put herself and the kids first, I find the tone of some posters really disgusting.

Anyway, back to you OP.
You need support, friendship, distraction and you have it with that guy.
I would be cautious though.
It is early days and you and your family are going through something pretty huge here .

I think breaking up might be wise because a) it's only been a month b) it would really be a fresh start , another tie to this place is just complicating matters c) a new relationship would take too much headspace. At this time your kids need you and you need them.

Good luck.

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2019 08:38

FWIW not exactly the same at all, I know but I do have experience first hand of what this can do to children.

I was involved in a big court case that took over 2 years to get to trial, when I was a teenager. It was plastered all over papers, the tv, I was about to sit my GCSE's and was followed to school by press, had them waiting for me, banging on my doors and tracking down family and harassing. Rumours going round school, you name it.My younger brother was petrified and it was the worst time for us as kids.
So in that respect,I do know. I get abit heated when i hear of people going through the same especially where children are concerned

Good luck with the move though OP and i hope overtime your children and you can get back to having a normal life

lindamors · 09/07/2019 10:46

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missyjudy · 09/07/2019 10:53

I’m sorry but this is why women like you get involved with weird men like your husband. In the space of 6 months you’ve filed for divorce from a 14 year relationship, dealing with all the prison stuff and you are on your 2nd new man! It’s been a few months since your husband was put inside. You’re not even divorced yet! Don’t you think you should sort all that stuff out first and be a stable support for your kids? Can’t you be on your own for more than 5 minutes?!? You don’t have to have a bloke you know!! There’s more to life!

PicsInRed · 09/07/2019 10:57

Reading between the lines, the OP was probably set free by her husband being arrested and taken away. Of course she's started dating. She's free now.

OP, this is your chance to really get free. Pack up and leave. Save yourself, save your children. If I'm reading between the lines correctly, there will be misplaced shame within the family and the children will need anonymity and for noone to know who their father is in order to begin to recover.

Forget new bloke. Do the Freedom Progranme. After spending this long with an abusive man, your boundaries and concept of "normal" will be shot to pieces.

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 09/07/2019 12:14

OP, I left and abusive man had to move areas.

It took about a year to fully see the impact on my children.

You are going to have to uproot their lives.

Honestly, if you stbexh is such an awful bastard and the kids will see this on the news/papers etc. You need to take sometime out and concentrate on you all.

When you first come out of a marriage dating for a bit of fun, is a good way to take your mind off it. But you can easily get sucked into a bad situation, in an attempt to feel better. It seems like you are looking for this to be more serious.

My advice would be to actually start afresh. If your kids are having their old life uprooted, you clinging on to the place and the past isnt going to help.

Seahorseshoe · 09/07/2019 13:13

Oh no, this place is very judgemental, you've been given wrong information to the contrary.

What a horrible situation to find yourself in, regarding your ex. I would move away with the kids, don't worry about what happens with this bloke, you don't necessarilyhave to end it, but carry on with your moving and see what happens. Yes, it's likely the relationship won't survive, but you still need to get as far away as you can.

Good luck op 💐

ProteinshakesandAntonsAss · 09/07/2019 13:16

you've been given wrong information to the contrary

What does this actually mean?

SparklyMagpie · 09/07/2019 13:42

@ProteinshakesandAntonsAss I was just about to ask the same

Nearly all posters have mentioned the children...so are we all wrong on that then? I can't wait to hear what the wrong information was

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