*trigger warning* rape and being triggered - normal response?

[strategicamnesia]

NC as didn't want this linked to my usual name.

Was browsing AIBU earlier as you do and came across a thread detailing an instance of anal rape (quite unexpectedly) that literally made my blood run cold and filled me with tremendous panic. I have had this reaction to depictions of anal rape before, but not to vaginal rape.

I was raped twice within the space of a few months, separate incidents with separate men, over a decade ago. Since then I've basically been pretending it didn't happen, but now I'm trying to deal with it with counselling. I have little memory of one event, and no memory of the other. I find the lack of memory both comforting and very troubling/frustrating. I'm becoming concerned that my very physical/visceral reaction to this trigger may be because that's what happened to me, and I don't remember but my body does.

Or is this a very normal physical response to have to a depiction of that specific type of trauma?

Sorry for being inarticulate around this; I struggle to explain myself well when it comes to this topic.

I've had a similar experience and some
Awful experiences when I was young.
I block out memories that are painful which I've done since I was a young girl. It's like I put it in a box and throw away the key in my mind and just don't remember.

I understand your frustration of not remembering, I didn't want to read and run, but I don't really have advice for you.
Things that should bother me linking to my past, or things that should be triggers, don't bother me the way they should but for now I'm ok with it. There's a type of therapy you can do that allows you to be hypnotised so you can go back to certain memories although I don't know if it's effective for everyone xxx

Thanks @amberviolet, sorry to hear that you've been through similar.

Having fragmented memories of trauma is very common, as is a visceral physical reaction to triggers.

I hope your counselling helps, is it with someone who specialises in trauma?

strategicamnesia: ... is this a very normal physical response to have to a depiction of that specific type of trauma?

Yes it is - reading, even fiction, seeing things on television or hearing someone talk about a case they've heard of, triggers great anxiety in anyone who has 'been there'. It almost brings it all back.

I'm sorry you've been through this. I felt the same on reading that thread and am sure lots of others did too. We move past it but it will come back from time to time.

I hope your life is stable and happy, strategic.

@Gingerkittykat thanks. My counsellor doesn't specialise in trauma but after trying four that didn't work I think my connection with her is better, I've struggled to find someone i can talk to.

@Rachelover40 thank you. That post shocked me. I am uprooting my life to deal with this. The anxiety is new to me and hard! Luckily my partner is hugely supportive.

I'm glad your partner is supportive OP.

EMDR is commonly suggested now as the most effective therapy for dealing with PTSD (which rape will almost always cause.)

For me personally I've felt that the physical act of the assaults and rapes was actually less harmful than the shame and blame placed on me by family members. It's taken me 3 decades to unpick that and cut the cunts out of my life.

(BTW I have never been anally raped thank god, but the scene in Girl with The Dragon Tattoo majorly triggered me, as did a certain couple of pages in A Clash of Kings which I now skip when re-reading. So don't take your visceral reaction as "proof" that you must have been anally raped. I think most human beings would react very strongly to such posts/scenes/articles, but any survivor of sexual assault is going to experience that more intensely.)

Thank you so much @FuriousVexation, I'm so sorry to hear that you've been in a similar situation. I can't believe your family were so unsupportive. I don't currently plan on telling mine, but I can't imagine the impact a negative response from them would have. for you.

PTSD hasn't been formally discussed with my counsellor yet, although she has suggested that after a decade of regarding this as something that did not happen and blocking it out, I'm now letting my body experience the trauma. It's surprisingly tiring!

Thanks also for the triggers explanation; I'd like to think that it's something I wouldn't forget, but the amount of things I'd forgotten that I'm now starting to remember is unexpected.