Marriage Crisis!

[TreeHuggerMom]

Hi,
I’m hoping some of you people can help me. I’ve been with my husband for 12 years. Lately I’m really beginning to feel our marriage is strained. He doesn’t take criticism well but will happily criticise me. He always seems angry at me because of something I’ll say or do, he came home silent this evening and barely said a word to me or the children. I went to say goodnight to our son when he was putting him to bed and turned the light down because it was on bright and he asked me to turn it up, I did but he turned it up again. I was then sat on our bed in our bedroom, he came in opened the window, turned the light on bright and just walked out of the room, which I can only assume is a way to get me back for turning our sons light down. I am just finding him cold and arrogant and at the moment, I’m really disliking him. There’s lots of other things too but to be honest I don’t have the energy to write it all out.
My question is, what would you do?

Thanks for reading!

He sounds dreadful. I’d be telling him you need to have a very serious chat about your future together as you aren’t prepared to go on living like this.

He sounds a real pain.

he is preparing the grounds for separation.

I agree we need a serious chat. However, I feel when we do talk, he turns it around on me. We don’t talk much anymore anyway and I feel it’s better that way! But recently he’s always picking arguments and blaming me for things. I have a nice nature and feel that maybe I’m letting things go to far. I cried last week because he said I was ridiculous because I’m always asking him questions about why he says/does certain things. I do feel really lost!

I should also add that he drinks alcohol quite a lot too!

alcohol maybe the main problem, changing him like that.

It’s not always when he’s had a drink though. He hasn’t had alcohol today but still acted the way he did. But he does drink the majority of the week.

Cherchez la femme she's at his office.

he is preparing the grounds for separation.
Bluebell has it in one. I'm so, so sorry.

When you know more, hire a good solicitor believe none of his promises. Get everything you can in terms of settlement, to ensure that you and the children are fiancially well taken care of. He will not be your friend, he will not be on your team, he has another team now.

PicsInRed - What do you mean she’s at his office? How would this pinpoint that he’s preparing to separate? Sorry I’m a bit confused by your comment?

I don’t think he’s preparing to separate. MN does tend to get quite convinced about other women etc. It sounds like you have drifted apart and need to talk and reconnect.

He comes home from work in bad mood, picks ridiculous, petulant fights over nothing. Then he can - in his own mind - blame you for the cheating and for him eventually leaving. It will also give him some flimsy material to complain to OW about. They're really not original, these guys, so I'm afraid it screams of the page of your post.

Is there any woman at work whose name he had been mentioning a bit ... but maybe stopped mentioning recently?

You asked what we would do.

I would talk to him (to open a line of communication) and also talk to a counsellor (to talk to yourself).

From what you've said, it sounds like there are alcohol problems, which will mean deep-seated psychological/emotional problems, as well as maybe something else like depression/stress. Look at your own mental and physical health. His behaviour isn't happening in a vacuum - you are part of this equation too.

Hopefully this is a blip but you certainly won't come out of it with him still clearly this pissed off and using alcohol without talking about things and both of you getting whatever help is appropriate.

Oh by the way, my comment about this not happening in a vacuum isn't meant to blame you - I'm not blaming either of you. I'm just saying look at this in the round.

He sounds like he's checking out of the marriage to be honest. You need a serious, honest talk with him.

Also - this website might be helpful to support you and your children www.nacoa.org.uk

What would I do? See a solicitor. Life is too damn short to live with an asshole with dependency issues

He’s an absolute charmer. Do you even like this guy?

Why do people always assume that,a man, as like the ops husband, are likely to be planning to move,or have another woman, because of the behaviour shown by the man in question here. It's totally wrong to always be suggesting this,as nobody here knows all the finer details of this relationship.

There seems to be no happiness in this man at the moment, and obviously non with the OP because of his behaviour. There could be many reasons for the change of behaviour in a person. So seriously talking about all the issues together is the best starting point.

I wasn't going to mention the alcohol, as it isn't mentioned as the problem , and I hope it won't turn out to be as such.

He may be an alcoholic. Irritation is common among alcoholics who are craving a drink.

Heavy drinking on a regular basis will impact on his mental health. One of the most common effects will be moodiness. But it will also make him self absorbed and narcissistic characteristics will be more pronounced.

He will be drinking for a reason, be it addiction, self medication (depression or anxiety) or boredom. In all likelihood he will be in a vicious circle of drinking to deal with a life that is becoming more difficult to tolerate because of the drink.

It can be very easy to go down the rabbit hole of trying to work out what is causing it. Whilst this is important, the immediate issue is for him to stop drinking and to go see a doctor. He will have mental health issues.

The problem for you is that he probably won’t do this. If you are able to have a discussion, then I would start with asking him if he is happy. Explain you don’t think he is and that maybe he should see a doctor. There a chance that he could get treatment and his mood could improve. That is going to take months if not years. Personally I think you would be wasting your time and your life on this endeavour.

The reality is that you are in separation territory. He has given you cause and chances are you won’t be able to help or get him to sort out his head.

Just to be clear, I have absolutely no reason to think he has another woman. He always leaves his phone unattended and allows me to use it, if I’ve forgotten to charge my mobile and to be honest he rarely uses it and if he does it’s for business calls from his colleagues. I have access to bank statements etc and he works in a male dominated environment, we also spend all of our time together, so this was definitely not my concern and I do trust him. My thinking is he is depressed, he has been sleeping more and more recently, low mood and drinking more in terms of alcohol in the evening. He has a highly stressed job too and he’s never really opened up to me, he had a mental breakdown about two years ago as he lost his grandad who he was very close to. We’ve been through a lot together and we don’t have any husband/wife time because of lack of childcare. A lot of the symptoms he’s displaying do indicate he has depression. It seems we need to communicate and address some problems that have maybe been neglected and allowed to fester and I also think at this point counselling will help us both see things clearer.

Thanks for all the replies!

What do you think his reaction would be if you sugges

Sorry! Suggested counselling?

Don’t read too much into the OW comments on here. A lot of posters on relationship boards have had this happen to them so an element of projecting going on.

He may be depressed or may just be totally fed up with life, you and the kids. It happens and won’t resolve itself without talking so best to bring it out into the open.