Help me stop obsessing

[LeaveThemOn]

Several months out of an abusive relationship. All the classics, name calling (extreme) shaming, intimidation etc.
And yet.... I'm still fawning over what we had. When it was good. I can't bear the thought of him with anyone else.
I'm an intelligent woman, why on earth am I mourning someone who was so unbelievably vile to me??
I think I'm going mad.
I know he's not a good person, otherwise he wouldn't have even thought those things about me, leave alone said them. With such venom.
How the hell do you get over the good bits though? I have never in my life felt so loved and wanted. I'm terrified that that was as good as it was going to get for me. And now I'm going to be alone.

Sounds like uou've been reliving a childhood wound.

Have you read up on trauma bonding?

No, but I probably should.
It's makes no sense in my own head.
I know I could NEVER be with him after the things he's done and said, the restraining order has recently expired. But I just can't imagine being with anyone else.
I miss him so much. Feeling loved and wanted. Now I just feel useless.

I'm sorry to say that's it's time. There's no quick fix unfortunately. I came out of a 5 year EA relationship and it was a year before I could say I was back to "normal". Keep busy, spend time doing things you love and see friends that support you. It's ok to feel shit and I promise it will get better xx

The thing is, it was only a year long relationship. Very fast moving and I think I was love bombed. But I truly believed it. Part of me still does now.
Ive read that men who do this don't truly love and care about you, but I'm not sure what's worse, that he loved me and now it's gone or it was all a lie.
I feel utterly pathetic. That I'm craving the love of someone who treated me like he hated me. I just don't feel like this will ever get better

Well firstly, you're not going mad. It sounds like you were in love but only with 'feeling wanted and loved ' but what about all the abuse? Harsh I know but if he truly loved you he wouldn't have treated you like that. You're 'grieving ' for a relationship that didn't really exist- not a healthy one anyway.
Give yourself time cos you're probably vulnerable right now and in time a new relationship will happen where you feel loved and wanted without all the abuse. People who genuinely love and respect you don't treat you like that. Your self esteem has been severely dented but believe me, that was not a normal relationship and you deserve way better. Don't mourn what you think you've lost cos it sounds like you had a lucky escape. X

why on earth am I mourning someone who was so unbelievably vile

You aren't mourning HIM, you are mourning the death of the dream. The dream of what you thought you had, what you expected your future to be. It just so happens that the dream is wearing his face. But dreams aren't reality.

That I'm craving the love of someone who treated me like he hated me

No, you're craving love. We all crave love. Again, it just so happens that 'love' is wearing his face.

You have to be able to separate him from your desire for love and partnership. If you want, try visualizing. Whenever you start remembering the 'good bits', put someone else in his place. Make the memory into a 'fantasy' about someone else, like a celebrity you admire.

Have you tried counseling? It can teach you coping strategies and help healing.

Thank you so much for being so kind xx

Honestly, if I wrote here just a few of the things he'd said and done, people would think I had absolutely lost the plot to be even giving him any head space at all.

The worst part is if I didn't have a child, I would probably have gone back to him. God knows he begged me enough times.
But I just can't. I want to so badly. But I know I can't. He's dangerous.

I had a little bit of counselling a whole ago but I just don't feel like I'm moving on.

That's the trouble with abusive relationships - they make you feel that's all you're worth and almost justify the abuse. I would be proud of yourself if I was you for not going back especially with a child. There is someone out there, whenever you're ready who will love and respect you and your child. Please don't lose heart. You're strong; so many women (and men) put up with emotional, verbal and physical abuse cos they think they don't deserve any better. Set an example to your child and don't settle for 2nd best. X

Do you think it's possible for someone to change? I cant bear the thought that he'll go on and treat someone else well. That he was like that because of something I did.

Yes, maybe he could change but are you willing to take that risk? Initially he might be all sweetness and light but if he treated you like that before then personally I think you're being foolish. However, only you can make that decision and I sincerely wish you all the best whatever you decide. X

Change? Well, you might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard, but he remains a leopard just the same.

It took me 18 months of counselling to get my head on straight after TWO abusive relationships. When the counselor asked me in our first session what I wanted to accomplish I told her "I want to find out why I pick such shit men and how do I stop?!?" I did both with her help. Think about going back.

Why not think of it like a chemical withdrawal in your brain. You’ve been up and down emotionally and your body has been producing all these feel good / bad chemicals that have flooded your brain. You’re now missing that chemical hit not him. ( you’ll never know if he’s changed because any new partner will mask the problems to the outside world )

Read up a bit on traumatic bonding.

And see if you can get more counselling. Also, have you done the "freedom programme"?

You need to stop focusing on what he may do.

Are you afraid you won't meet someone else?

That you stayed with him and feel this way now is worth working through in counselling. In particular looking at your childhood as your boundaries are clearly skewed.

He's not your problem to solve, time to focus on and heal yourself.

Yes I am worried I won't meet anyone else.
I'm now on hyper alert whenever I meet anyone and second guessing their every move or word. It's exhausting.

I didn't really stay that long in the grand scheme of things. The emotional and verbal abuse came first, this was 'explained' away as he had anger problems and started counselling while we were still together. I actually think his counsellor indulged him and gave him excuses to behave the way he did.
He continually accused me of cheating, went though my phone, made threats to hurt me, shamed me about my past (which is pretty pedestrian, certainly nothing 'shame worthy'

The minute it got properly physical, I had him removed from my house by the police and I went to court to get a restraining order.

So I think my boundaries are there when it matters. I'd never have him back. It's just my head.

I've tried several times to get on a freedom programme in my area but it's proving difficult.

You did very well getting rid of him as soon as he got physically abusive. Narcissistic people are often very appealing. I'm not sure why. Also the intense contrast between highs and lows in such relationships can be addictive in a way.

Dear OP,

I have been there - it only gets worse and worse if you take them back. It really does help to think of it as an addiction, because biochemically that is what it is. Remember - heroin feels great when you are taking it. But it destroys your life - so it is the same. When you felt the cravings, would that mean that the heroin loved you, or would change?

I ended up sticking this on my door to prevent me opening it to him - and I called the Police every time:

“He will choose you, disarm you with his words, and control you with his presence. He will delight you with his wit and his plans. He will show you a good time but you will always get the bill. He will smile and deceive you, and he will scare you with his eyes. And when he is through with you, and he will be through with you, he will desert you and take with him your innocence and your pride. You will be left much sadder but not a lot wiser, and for a long time you will wonder what happened and what you did wrong. And if another of his kind comes knocking on your door, will you open it?

-From an essay signed "A psychopath in prison”
in the book by Robert D. Hare, "Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us"

You can do the Freedom Programme online, although in person is better.

This article might also help:
blog.melanietoniaevans.com/the-answer-to-narcissistic-abuse-that-no-is-talking-about-peptide-addiction/

^Yes I am worried I won't meet anyone else.
I'm now on hyper alert whenever I meet anyone and second guessing their every move or word. It's exhausting.^

I understand completely. I pretty much just shut the whole dating/meeting someone down for fear of being abused again. Again, counseling helped immensely and I began to have confidence in my own judgement, although I'm sure I passed up a few nice men by being hyper-vigilant.

But, I eventually met now DH through friends. We've been married over 30 years and have raised two fine men. We're retired now and living the dream. Life has been good. It'll be good for you, too, with the right help and some time, I guarantee it.