Abusive relationship

[Liliane]

I am writing this with great sadness in my heart.. I am in a relationship for the past 6 years, living together in his place for the last 5.5 years.. At the beginning it was amazing, he has been treating me like a queen, then I fell in love with him. After about a year I have found out that he is a crack cocaine addict, after another 3 I have found out he is a heroin addict and suffers with mental illnesses. The relationship has been not healthy from about a year onwards due to paranoia caused by his cocaine addiction, constant lies and possibly cheating but it always got better when I threatened to leave. He has been trying for the last 6 months also, giving me fake hope and then taking it away from me. I am 31 in a few days and 12 weeks pregnant with his baby. He has got children from 2 previous relationships and I have found out from his sister that he has never been involved. Now I am foreign, my whole family and best friend live abroad, so I am here alone. I have started my own business couple of years ago and it’s becoming pretty successful which is being thrown in my face on daily basis. My pregnancy has been really tough so far, I have constant nausea and vomit numerous times a day (5-6) but I have to work 10-12 hours a day no matter how I feel as I don’t want to give up what I have built over the years. Now, the atmosphere at home has been getting worse and in I have been mentally abused a lot lately. I am completely torn apart, keep crying and blaming myself for sticking around for so long hoping he will ever change and for getting pregnant. I am also torn apart thinking shall I keep this baby? What sort of life will my baby have? How am i going to manage all this by myself and go to work so we don’t starve to death and live on the street? If I terminate the pregnancy will I get pregnant ever again with someone that will deserve me and treat me right? I keep beating myself up and crying over the situation I am in I should have been so much wiser but after trying to conceive for a while I was so happy to be pregnant now I am devastated. I am completely and utterly lost and can’t feel any way out.

Hi Liliane,

Your situation sounds so difficult and I really feel for you. I don't have any experience of this to share with you but I think the first thing I would do is speak to your doctor about your thoughts on whether to continue with the pregnancy. Your doctor can refer you to charities/organizations who provide advice and counselling to help you decide.

The next thing I would do is leave. Have you got a friend you can stay with, or can you try to find accommodation for yourself? Whether you're keeping the baby or not, I really think you need to remove yourself from that situation.

You sound like a really strong person, and huge congratulations on the success of your business.

Abortion might be the right thing for you, considering that going ahead with the pregnancy will mean you'll be unable to cut this guy out of your life completely. You have time on your side still with having dc in the future, although nothing is ever guaranteed.

Single mums manage OK - it's hard, and I doubt that 10-12 hours a day on your business is sustainable - could you run it on a more part-time basis, grow it more slowly, perhaps top-up with tax credits?

Speak to Women's Aid for support and advice on getting out of the situation safely.

Thank you for your reply, this is where I am completely torn. I wanted to be a mum for a long time, didn’t think I could have babies as I couldn’t get pregnant for a long time. I now feel so awful for not wanting this baby just because I have finally opened my eats to the fact that he is a horrible person I couldn’t bring up my baby with. I really don’t want to claim any benefits or rely on anyone.. I will go and see someone I can talk to and make a decision then.. I absolutely hate my life..

@fancytea

Thank you for your kind words, I will get in touch with a counsellor this week and will make a decision then. I am still 50:50 and feel so horrible for being like this I wish things were normal and I wouldn’t have to thing about such a horrible thing as abortion :( I have been trying to save up and get my own place but it’s hard with him asking me for money all the time and I haven’t got many friends I could stay with

It seems to.me you would be healthier snd wealthier without him.

I know