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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I can’t get over it

20 replies

Advice201900 · 08/07/2019 15:49

My OH hid a friendship he had with a female colleague. I confronted him. Had a big argument and a bad time but it’s forced us to address some wider relationship concerns so there have been quite a few positives to come out of it.

What i’m really struggling with is getting over it. It eats me up. I’m starting CBT on Wednesday so that should help. I’m just so angry inside about it, let down and gutted that something like that had to happen for us to face up to the bad place we were in. I feel like i’ve come off mikes worse being it completely took me by surprise and devastated me.

Is there any other advice to help moving on? I’m doing more for myself such as the gym most days and have lost weight, tried distracting myself and also this CBT just wondering what other people found useful?

OP posts:

GarakIsMySweetheart · 08/07/2019 16:02

This seems like quite a strong reaction to a friendship. Is there a reason for this?

If you mean he had an affair then I'd move on by separating.

If you really do mean a friendship, but one that made you feel uncomfortable, then, if you are both serious about moving on from it, it seems like you are doing all the right things.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 08/07/2019 16:05

I feel for you OP. My H left me for another woman (ex colleague who he came back in contact with by pure accident) but I was abusing alcohol at the time and slapped him twice so I kind of blame myself. I'm pretty sure it started as an emotional affair and he left because he was really pissed off with me and it became physical. We are trying again and it is so hard to get over it but I am getting better with time. I 100% believe he wouldnt have left if I hadn't been so awful and she was just right place/right time.

I suppose it depends on the circumstances at the time in your relationship. If we hadn't both been so miserable I don't think I could have got over it. As it stands, our lives are better if we are together so I am focusing on that. I once read on here I think that if you are constantly looking backwards, you might miss what is in front of you - so that's my mantra now and I repeat it to myself every day.

hellsbellsmelons · 08/07/2019 16:10

Did he have a physical affair with her?
Was it an emotional affair?
It will take you time to get over this.
He can't expect you to be OK with it all because it's not OK.
What are you doing together to overcome this?
He needs to give you space and time.
Have you confided with anyone in real life?
That will certainly help if you have a non-judgey friend.

dontdoxmeeither · 08/07/2019 16:23

Depends on the type of friendship I guess?

Physical/Emotional affair= long slog to recover, if at all.

Just friendship- For what reason was it hidden?

User1298 · 08/07/2019 16:37

That’s so weird. I went through an identical situation in January. Literally exactly the same. When did you find out and how did you find out?
I have chosen to forgive my partner because I felt I had contributed to the situation by overreacting to another friendship last year with a woman where he had done nothing wrong.
Since I found out he has ceased all contact with the colleague. He calls me every lunch time (they were having lunch time walks), he generally makes more of an effort and we have now addressed our future (previously we were at odds about marriage and children). I was feeling haunted about it still and still do. I posted not long ago and some of the replies I got helped me as they again showed me how I had contributed to the situation and have some major insecurities. It’s very easy to lose touch with reality.

What reason did you partner give for hiding it? Had you shut down previous friendships with women in the past? Does he have other platonic female friends?

MikeUniformMike · 08/07/2019 16:49

Glad you are ok User1928. Well done.

Lefty1 · 08/07/2019 16:59

He hid a friendship from you for a reason , probably emotional affair territory I’m guessing. Why do you want keep this guy around? He sounds unreliable , you probably won’t ever feel like you can trust him again which will slowly grate on your confidence and mental health. There are better men out there, why stick with this one ?

Original poster

Advice201900 · 08/07/2019 17:13

There’s a bit more to the background and what’s happens since that I feel I am warranted for being upset. So does he and all in all thinks i’ve been level headed. He’s disappointed in himself I can see that.

Lines were crossed nothing physical though. I have made a choice to believe that side but I did confront her and that caused us more problems. All in all she’s not a nice person in my eyes for what was said and done back.

They work together not physically every day perhaps once a week but do have to talk and email daily. I hate it.

I am trying to do the practical things however emotionally it’s a struggle for one reason or another to get on with it. I feel like I will never feel the same and be able to trust him in the same way. We’re 11 years in with a lot around us and not just that I do love him a lot.

I can see how I have contributed to him thinking it was an easier life to hide it but it’s devastated me. I was one of those people who truly thought I would never have any ‘other women’ issues in our relationship. I’m just so angry as well as let down.

I hate feeling shit so i’m doing what I can to not feel like this. Just not sure if there’s anything else and guess I’m resigned to it being a long road.

OP posts:

Original poster

Advice201900 · 08/07/2019 17:15

Something stupid but they emails within the company have always put x on the end of them. They still do that. It bothers me, which I feel completely immature about but I find it disrespectful. Do I need to grow up?

OP posts:

User1298 · 08/07/2019 17:31

No you don’t need to grow up. He needs to stop that. If he isn’t willing to make amends and show you this woman will not be in his life whatsoever beyond what is necessary professionally then you are fighting a losing battle.

BelulahBlanca · 08/07/2019 17:34

Why are they putting kisses on the end of work emails?

Lefty1 · 08/07/2019 18:04

Sorry but is this guy really worth it? Save yourself further hurt down the line and ditch him. Yes 11 years is a long time and you will be upset for a fair bit but imagine 25 years and then you go through this again?

He hid it from you because he was being sneaky and wanted to pursue something , that’s it simply.
He may be sorry now but that’s only because he has been discovered.

He has embarrassed you and his actions alone have weakened your relationship. Don’t you want to be happy? Indicators are now that he is a liability and won’t bring this to your life OP. Believe actions not words.

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 08/07/2019 18:11

Yuck you don’t have to put up with this shit. I stayed after something similar and it has never gone away as he refused to properly address it or discuss it just saying I needed to move on and not live in the past. We are now divorcing.

category12 · 08/07/2019 18:17

Is this the guy who was after a job in Saudi?

Original poster

Advice201900 · 08/07/2019 21:03

Hey no not after a job in Saudi

OP posts:

Original poster

Advice201900 · 08/07/2019 21:04

This is so crap because honestly the good seems to outweigh the bad it’s just this really and I just cannot see I will feel the same again. I’m still angry about it all as well so any disagreement is blown out of proportion.

OP posts:

Lefty1 · 08/07/2019 21:13

If you can’t trust a person to be loyal to you then they is a pretty fundamental hefty part of a relationship that is broken. There is no good trait or task that could really outweigh that betrayal OP. He has shown his full personality to you. He is defective , not you. Stop blaming yourself for his character flaws and get rid. I think you know all this deep down.

PlinkPlink · 08/07/2019 21:23

It's because this is quite a big issue.

The foundation of a good relationship is trust.

Your DP has breached that massively and, in my opinion, continues to flaunt that. Kisses? At the end of work emails? Unprofessional for a start... no work place requires colleagues to put a kiss at the end (that's a bit fishy for me).

An emotional affair is sometimes worse than a physical one. It blurs the lines in our heads. A physical one is so easy to know what to do - leave. But an emotional one somehow makes leaving seem extreme.

It's not though. Your trust has been shattered. Even if you were in a bad place, you should be able to trust each other not to run into the arms of someone else.
It's hurtful and insulting that he didn't come and talk to you. Instead he chose a pretty shitty option of going for someone else?

Don't make any promises to stay. Try and sort through it in your head with CBT if that's what you want to do. But there may not be a way to repair this (you're far better than him anyway, darling)...

Theworldcouldbemymollusc · 08/07/2019 21:48

Echo what others have said. If he is not fully accepting his part in your pain then he is minimising the impact on you. Read Shirley Glass ‘not just friends’ and suggest he reads it too. Mine stbxh didn’t even look at the book which spoke volumes in itself

Needsomebottle · 08/07/2019 22:42

My DH did this a couple of years into our relationship. It took me a solid year to not think about it every single day. Things got better but were never the same. I never trusted him the same. And I honestly, hand on heart would have sworn he wouldn't do anything like that. I was absolutely floored by it. Then about eight years later I found he was doing it again. This time I felt nothing. Just a vague "oh. He's done it again."

We're still together so I'm not offering any advice particularly, but just demonstrating the damage it can do. I don't know how is the right way to work through it. We barely spoke of it, it was buried. So I'd say that isn't the right way. But I am saying it will take a long time to come back from so if you want to, you will need to be really patient. Good luck whatever path you choose.

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