Relationship breakdown - how to sort everything out house and kids etc

[lotsofquestion]

Hi I wonder if anyone has any advice, my partner told me he was unhappy just over a month ago, it seems he doesn't want to sort things out, he moved back with his parents two weeks ago and has been very distant. It seems like he's having some kind of breakdown, a family member is very sick, he just keeps saying how depressed and unhappy he is but won't go to a doctor, he has taken lots of unpaid days off or work which is also worrying me. I am fed up of being in limbo and feel like I need to take control of the situation but I just don't have a clue where to start? He is a hands on dad and is here too much atm because he just wants to see the kids, he comes before school, after school then goes back to his parents for dinner and to sleep. How do I fairly put a bit of distance between us without upsetting him or the children. I just really am lost, trying to keep the house and kids together and myself while dealing with it all.

Are you married?

What is the situation re the property and finances?. This along with your children are the priority.

Hmmm to him being depressed and unhappy but will not see a doctor?
Why?

It’s not fair on you or these children for him to come and go as he doing currently because it is confusing for them. I would be looking for him to have contact elsewhere like a contact centre or another neutral place, not his former residence.

You need to explain that it’s time to begin formalising an agreement in regards to the ongoing care of the children. Explain that as much as you love him and haven been willing to support him, you simply cannot continue on indefinitely.

If he’s unwilling to clarify exactly what he needs, or is not willing to reach out for support, whether that support is you or another service/person, then you can not continue to maintain the current status quo.

It’s hideously unfair of him to be in such a state that he’s risking the financial stability of your children on top of the turmoil you’re currently coping with.

Then you need to remain firm and committed. If he is suffering from depression, he absolutely deserves any help available, but only he can make that leap.

Maybe it might be the jolt he requires. Or it might send him into a massive spin that will trigger understanding that can’t continue as he is.

You are entitled to know where you stand, so you know what your next step is going to be. And the children also are going to need you, as the functioning adult, to be as consistent as possible while your DH explores what he truly needs going forward.

Definitely start prioritising the practicalities for you and the DC: while you don't want to be unfair to this man, make sure he doesn't get the chance to be unfair to you or them. Because self-diagnosed 'depression' and vagueness can either mean he wants to 'find himself (while still having you service him domestically) or that there is someone else involved and he is waiting to see if that other person will give him houseroom.
So the first thing to do is make sure he cannot empty the bank accounts and disappear: some men will do this once they have decided to discard a woman and children. Do you work? Are DC old enough to understand much of what's going on? Unless you are a high earner you will get some benefits as a single parent, but to apply for them you need to be officially separated ie he no longer lives at the same house as you and DC.

4 DC - 9,7,5 and 4 months! Normally working but on maternity leave atm! We get a little housing benefit, his wage, child benefit and my maternity atm bit as I said I haven't seen any of his wage in two weeks.

That's where the problem lies I feel like we are in this unknown land, he's left and is staying at his mums, he's paid nothing here for a couple of weeks now, I'm currently surviving off maternity and child benefit for day to day but the bills will be due and obv I will need to find this money. Obv we are trying to work on fixing things but there's just nothing back from him, he just keeps saying he needs time but quite frankly I'm not sure what for! In my head it's over and we just need to go through these formalities now but it's doing this that will make it real and a permanent thing. We're still too intertwined for me to feel okay claiming single though! But he hasn't eaten here, he doesn't sleep here and he hasn't contributed. But he is here for the kids like I said he takes them to school, he has been here on the weekends helping with their activities and bedtime routines etc so it's all a bit blurred.

What would you say is a good routine? I would happily do 50/50 but he can't take the kids to stay at his mums there's no room, he took them to his mums for the day on Saturday which was better.

He can't empty bank accounts, my account is separate which he has no access to at all, all help gets paid into that and just his wage into his bank which I have complete access to!