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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Antidepressants and sex- opinions please

23 replies

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 08:19

Posted previously in Sex but think I might get more response here....
My new partner is on antidepressants and has been for over two years. He previously told me that he had stopped sleeping with his previous girlfriend because he wasn't sexually attracted to her any more, but also mentioned that he didn't enjoy sex because not being able to orgasm- either at all or for a long time- ruins the pleasure of the experience for him. Last night was what I thought would be the first time we'd sleep together. We were kissing and he was very turned on, and had an erection, but said he didn't want to have sex.
Is this common? I'd assumed it was the lack of attraction with his partner that was the problem, rather than the medication. Maybe he's lost confidence but I'm doubting myself now. I'm really unsure how to deal with this and would love to hear other people's opinions of this side effect of anti depressants.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 08:25

Very well known and common side effect in a lot of people depending on the AD they take.

PurpleWithRed · 08/07/2019 08:33

Yup, what shatners said. Absolutely true.

ravenmum · 08/07/2019 10:06

Very common and written out clearly on the information sheets and the NHS website, try Googling it.

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 10:47

Thanks everyone. I'm aware it's a genuine side effect, not doubting that for a second. I know he's not making it up. What concerns me is why he doesn't want to have sex at all. Could he be worried about it being disappointing?

OP posts:

FuriousVexation · 08/07/2019 10:53

also mentioned that he didn't enjoy sex because not being able to orgasm- either at all or for a long time- ruins the pleasure of the experience for him

There's your answer, surely?

If you stick with him, I think you need to accept that you're not going to be having sex with him.

ravenmum · 08/07/2019 11:03

What he said himself.

It'll certainly be disappointing for him, as he won't climax. He'll be turned on, get an erection, have sex with you, then you hopefully climax, and then you stop and he can lie there thinking about how he can't climax. Yeay.

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 11:11

What concerns me is why he doesn't want to have sex at all. Could he be worried about it being disappointing?

Look, sorry to be so blunt but HE'S ALREADY TOLD YOU! he didn't enjoy sex because not being able to orgasm- either at all or for a long time- ruins the pleasure of the experience for him

You already KNOW the answer.

Oh and We were kissing and he was very turned on, and had an erection, but said he didn't want to have sex this is his right, even if he isn't on ADs. Just as women don't have to have sex if they don't feel like it, nor do men.

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 11:22

Shatners- of course this is his right. In no way did I attempt to coerce him or make him feel I was upset. I was 100% understanding. I care a lot for him and appreciate that he probably has all sorts of feelings around the fact that he doesn't like sex and how that will impact his relationships.
For those of you who have been through this, do men prefer to get in a situation where they are really turned on and just stop? I didn't expect that to be better for them? Please be kind- this is difficult for me.

OP posts:

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 08/07/2019 12:06

If he is getting turned on then I think he is nervous about disappointing you by not being able to come.

They can absolutely , totally, nix your libido. But it sounds like that isnt so much of an issue here if he enjoys sexual contact of some sort. He other main effect is lack of sexual pleasure and delayed (or non existant) orgasm. Some people can get around this by not taking their meds on the day when they plan to have sex but it doesnt work for everyone and I'd imagine, isn't advisable in some cases where compliance/ relapse is an issue.

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 12:13

Hi youwant. He had no problem getting turned on- both that evening and the next morning. He had said that it was frustration about not being able to come that was so difficult to deal with, and not a lack of desire. So maybe he's worried that I would have been disappointed. I really feel we need to be able to discuss it but I don't want to say the wrong thing!

OP posts:

PicsInRed · 08/07/2019 12:37

You can't fix him and you have value beyond fixing others.

This will destroy your self esteem.

You can't save him. Save yourself.

dontgobaconmyheart · 08/07/2019 12:42

As Shatner's said OP- he's told you why. He's disclosed he struggles to orgasm (which is a side effect of some AD'S) not that he can't become physically aroused at all.

Whether he wants to have sex is up to him, if this is really the first time you've tried being intimate, I think it's being overthought by you. It isn't about him finding you attractive or not, it's about a separate issue that is his own. Sex doesn't have to happen just because someone is physically aroused, obviously.

I would privately consider whether you are able to handle a relationship that potentially will not involve frequent sex, or sex where he doesn't orgasm with you. From experience, it's tricky, especially if you're prone to feelings of insecurity. If he doesn't bring it up in due course I'd open the lines of communication on it by saying I'd like to discuss it because I liked him and wanted to know how we can make it mutually comfortable and enjoyable, and what his boundaries are etc, since it's those that matter.

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 12:51

Bacon- thanks. That's a great way of putting it. I'm sure I'm overthinking it and the issue is there, regardless of which partner he is with. I don't want to give up on this relationship for this reason, but I agree, a relationship where sex is never an option isn't something I'd considered.

OP posts:

category12 · 08/07/2019 12:56

I find it confusing that you've described him as a new partner. It sounds a really new relationship.

Personally it would put me off that he's not interested in having sex because he won't orgasm. Plenty of women don't expect to come every time but still have sex for the closeness and fun of it.

I'd give it a bit of time, but personally I wouldn't be interested in a sexless relationship, if that's what's on offer.

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 14:05

Category- why are you confused? I said it was a new relationship. Is it the term partner that you find confusing?

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 14:09

Annie Yes, I think category finds it odd to call someone you've only just slept with for the first time your partner. At this point, you're just dating someone to see whether you might want them to be your partner. He's just a bloke you've recently started seeing. Partner is when you're both seriously invested and much longer term.

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 14:55

I don't really see why my use of the term partner is relevant to the point of the post! But thanks for clarifying, Shatners.

OP posts:

ShatnersWig · 08/07/2019 15:06

I think because if they were a partner, in that you'd known them for a long time, responses might have varied more. If it's someone you've not known for long and he's been on ADs for two years, it's much easier to say "hey, you don't need to stick with this, it's brand new".

Original poster

AnnieBelinda · 08/07/2019 15:12

Shatners- right, I see what you mean. Thanks. I know I don't have to stick with it, and it may well be that I choose not to. I'm not prepared to do that without discussing it with him first though. As we get on really well in every other way. I think because it's new, we were both unwilling to have a tough conversation at such a charged moment. But I'm going to have to have it with him in the next couple of days.

OP posts:

Youwantshoesinashoeshop · 08/07/2019 17:23

Sounds like he sensible thing to do. He might find his fears are unfounded especially if he doesnt feel under pressure to perform to the last hurrah. It's not inevitable that ADs prevent all enjoyment of sex. Equally, if the sex isnt happening or isnt doing it for you, then also fine to walk. It's really important and you're going to need some strong glue if he has MH problems. It bloody sucks for those of us on ADs but hey ho...

category12 · 08/07/2019 17:58

Shatner's explained perfectly what I meant, thanks.

ravenmum · 08/07/2019 21:02

Plenty of women don't expect to come every time but still have sex for the closeness and fun of it.
Not coming every time is not the same as not coming at all, though. I had sex before going off the ADs again but it was pretty miserable knowing there would be no orgasm, especially as your partner doesn't necessarily understand 100% that an orgasm is off the cards and just keeps going on and on as if they can personally "fix" the problem I mean, do you pretend to be having fun? Groan a bit? Might suit some people, but if it doesn't suit this guy then fair enough.

Is he expecting to stay on ADs more or less permanently? That is, was he suffering from depression a long time and has only just gone on ADs, or was it a situative depression that is likely to clear up? It takes a while to come off the pills, but maybe he's already thinking abut going on a lower dose and you just have a few months to wait.

SSRs are the usual culprit, and it is not considered a good idea to stop taking those for a day as it can give you mood swings that actually leave you feeling worse than the depression you started out with. However, if you take the pill every 24 hours you can try to plan it so that you have sex just before your next pill is due, i.e. if you usually meet at 7 pm then move the pill-taking time to 9 p.m.

SwordofGryffindor · 19/07/2019 03:08

Yep its shite

But you need just to try them all until you find one that works for you

Setraline: no orgasms wetness etc
Lexapro 10: all the orgasms ! Haha

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