Worried to be a single mum

[Cobsob]

My partner is a good man and a fantastic Dad to my daughter 18 months and his other 4 children from a previous relationship .
I am struggling with him not wanting to completely blend our family's only when it suits him .
We live together I have a great relationship with his kids but they live 4 hours away so it he goes to see them every other weekend they come to us in the holidays .
Because of his guilt that he lives far away and that he has another family he over compensates with them never saying no regardless of how this affects us financially and emotionally.
I just don't think I am cut out for this life I love him and the kids but find that he is so careless of my feelings .He clearly states that the kids come before our relationship and they matter more than anyone .
The latest is he has just arranged a camping trip with our friend and his son and the other children didn't even tell me I overheard the children talking about it he didn't invite me and my daughter.This is one of many in my opinion careless things he does even if he said babe I am gonna take them camping do you mind staying home ?
He feels that his time with the kids if precious and it's nothing to do with me he doesn't need to consult me or discuss what he is doing .He stays extra days and has lost jobs from taking time off as he never gets back in time for work Monday .
Last time they stayed here he said he wanted to take them out for a day or have them at home and me and my daughter go out so it could be just them .As he sees them every other weekend and has lots of time just them I was upset by this because we are all in the house as a family and because of our working life I work weekends and him travelling back and forth we don't actually get much time together as a family and it's like right you two go now we are doing ......
He often hurts my feelings but maybe I am super sensitive and makes me feel like me and my daughter are not his priority.He didn't want to split from his previous relationship.
He doesn't understand why i get hurt and says that he appreciates how good I am with the kids but why do I make it difficult for him by saying he hurt me with his choices .
I just feel so low that I don't think I can go
On but I am scared for my daughter that she will lose her dad .
I actually really love him but it's soo hard when he goes back off to his old life last time his X cut his bloody hair .She is in a relationship with the women she left him for so nothing to worry they would get back together but just annoying .
Sorry for the long post I am just hoping that I am not being crazy I feel like I am going to lose the love of my life because I can't deal with me and my daughter being second best .
He teenage son is staying with us for a month so the kids feel comfortable with me and right now my partner is asleep downstairs sulking because I was upset about camping .
I am scared to split I am scared to stay and want to do they best for all of us but it makes me soo sad when he is thoughtless and I am sick of my feelings being last on the list.

Should I stay or go ?

I really really don't mean this to sound harsh, but why did you choose to have a child with someone who already had FOUR children?

Did you not think "Yeah he's had enough"?

My partner is a good man and a fantastic Dad

In what ways does he demonstrate being a fantastic dad?

My partner is a good man and a fantastic Dad

He’s not a good man. He leaves you and your daughter out of his life with his other children and treats you as second best, he’s not a fantastic Dad your DD!

When he is here with us he is fab does much more with her than my friends partners .She is laughing and smiling and he does practical stuff as well
It just feels like he drops us when he goes and sees the other children

I feel pregnant very unexpectedly at 40 I was told I couldn't have children so my daughter was not planned .

My partner is a good man and a fantastic Dad to my daughter

Why do women set this bar so low. He hurts your feelings, makes you feel second best and ignores your daughter for his other kids, not letting her have a relationship with her step siblings.

Which part of that screams "good man, fantastic dad"?

This sounds like he never really moved on from his first wife.

I think secretly he would be over the moon if FW said she wanted him back.

He over compensates with his first children not because he feels guilty but to show he is a brilliant dad and to show off to his ex about what she is missing.

Not having you there means the DC don't mention you and so exw might in his mind change her mind and take him back

If you split I think he would not see his DD because it would clash with time spent with his older children

It just feels like he drops us when he goes and sees the other children

Yeah like I said. He’s not a good man or fantastic father.

I know I should be stronger and sound like a wimp but it's soo bloody hard because I love him and after waiting so long to have her and never thinking I would ever have children and don't want her to miss out on a family unit .

Tbh I might have thought that in the past but it's not really about his X it's more his teenage children he just can't say no too .
She actually rows with him because of it

Why does he have to go there every weekend? Why can’t he pick them up Friday teatime and drop them off Sunday evening? Yes it’s a long drive but he chose to move away.

And why the hell should you leave your own home with a toddler to give him 1-2-1 time with them? If he wants 1-2-1 time tell him to take them out.

I know I should be stronger and sound like a wimp but it's soo bloody hard because I love him and after waiting so long to have her and never thinking I would ever have children and don't want her to miss out on a family unit

She misses out on a family unit every other week and misses time with her siblings....

I feel pregnant very unexpectedly at 40 I was told I couldn't have children so my daughter was not planned .

I'm always perplexed by this. On MN there are so man who are/were 'told I couldn't have children' so they never used birth control and always end up pregnant. Who tells people they can never have children? Because unless you are missing your uterus, your ovaries or other crucial parts of your reproductive system or you have experienced menopause (including premature menopause), it is possible to get pregnant. I have yet to meet a HCP who advises not using birth control unless you meet one of these criteria.

You chose to have kids with a guy who had loads already. I get it, it was your last chance, you got baby fever, it happens, but the fact is, he's not a 'good dad'. You need to move on.

Thanks for the reply's and I agree with what you are saying I am just so worried to end it and not know what the future holds again .
he goes every other weekend they come here when they can and actually have a good relationship with her FaceTime etc .
I have been divorced before and am 42 I just feel its much harder this time to be tough and be the one that breaks up our family that actually is a happy one 80% of the time .
Today is a very bad day for me tho and I feel so torn hurt angry frustrated.

You’re not breaking up the family though, he is. He chooses his other children over your relationship all of the time. Yes his children are his priority but what about your DD? He doesn’t have to go to his ex’s every other weekend to see them, he chooses to....

Also where is the ex’s partner in all of this? Surely he can’t be happy that your partner stays at the marital home every other weekend? (I’m assuming that’s where he stays)

He only stays at the house when she is not there it's really not about his X tbh .Some things irritate me about her but it's not the end of the world .
I would be finishing things because he doesn't take my feelings into account when it comes to planning time with the children .
He asks them what shall we do i don't have a say nor does he .
He will spend money he doesn't have because he can't say no .
He wants to be here and I know he loves us and we have had so many heart to hearts about it but then put us in a box and go and see the kids and leave us out because he sees it as his time with the children and he lives with us and we have him the rest of the time so I should just not care if he is late back or spend too much or doesn't want us to come .
It's actually quite bizarre because he is a loving caring partner the rest of the time .

So why can’t the kids stay at yours every other weekend?

It's actually quite bizarre because he is a loving caring partner the rest of the time

He isn’t he excludes you and your DD every other weekend, and school holidays when they are at yours...

Just to reassure you on being a single parent.

I know loads of single parents and they wouldn't have it any other way.

For them it is better to be in charge of their own lives than dancing around trying to accommodate someone who doesn't care about them.

This spending money he doesn't have is only going to get worse as they get older.
I can see driving lessons and cars and fully funded university fees and the top accommodation.

Go now before he drags you down with him.