How do I leave when I have nowhere to go and no money?

[SabrinaTheTeenageBitch]

Hello all

I'm so desperately miserable in my relationship. I have two children, one has cerebral palsy and autism and a four year old. I am also autistic. I have no contact with my family and because I'm quite isolated (my own choice, I struggle socially) no friends either. He controls all of the bank accounts and all my PIP is paid into them.

I have nowhere to go, no money and not a single belonging apart from clothes. I'm so, so unhappy and I feel trapped. I've even thought about ending it all but I couldn't do that to my children.

He's not abusive/violent so can't contact a refuge. I'm so lost

Abuse isn’t just hitting you. Controlling all the money is abuse. Financial abuse. Can you talk to your GP? Health Visitor? Children’s Nurse? They will have experience in signposting you to the relevant support agencies in your area.

Having no access to money IS abuse, financial abuse and I suspect your feeling of being trapped betrays more control and/or abuse. Whether or not that's true, you have every right to separate from him and there are people who will facilitate this.
Please reach out to them, I think women's aid initially, they are NOT just for "beaten" women.
You sound so sad, you need to believe there is a better life out there. Good luck.

He does it because I'm (was) pretty bad with money when we met. He doesn't spend it on himself or anything but I couldn't use any without him knowing. I'm scared to be upfront about leaving as we have discussed it in the past and he said he won't let me take kids with me. They are all I have but as I have no home or belongings he kind of has the upper hand.

I've tried talking to my gp recently but because of my autism I find things really hard to explain. I just came away with some anxiety medication

Having no access to your money is financial abuse, and it's illegal for him to do this. Are you able to contact women's aid,, or make an appointment with Citizens Advise in order to better determine your options etc?

How about writing it down for your gp instead and handing that over in the appointment? I have autism too and have done that before, as the words just get stuck in my throat and I just can't speak sometimes.

Are you married? Where do you live rented/mortgage? Whose name is on the lease/mortgage?
He can't "keep the kids", you each have responsibilities to fulfill towards them and you would likely share care according to what they are used to and what is practical.
Don't be scared and trapped, starting making moves, you won't regret it

First thing I would do is open a new bank account and have the PIP paid into that. It's your money, it should go directly to you. If you are getting child benefit, have that paid into the same bank account.

Thank you everyone

We aren't married, our home is rented and the tenancy is in his name only.

It just all feels so huge, I don't know where to start and I'm finding it so hard to function the longer things go on and the more stressed I am. I've started stimming a lot (rocking, it's what calms me down) and I'm finding it harder to be discreet about it so I probably look like a crazy person

I'm just so overwhelmed

First thing is to get yourself a bank account. Then you need to switch your pip into this account, then you can make an appointment with your housing services department and get help to leave. You are right in saying it's not the same as being in imminent danger but it's still abuse, you can however get your affairs in order to make it as smooth as possible

Does he get your PIP because he's your appointee with DWP? Even if he is, it's only with your permission, so you can withdraw your consent by contacting DWP and getting it paid into your bank account. If he isn't your appointee, just change where pPIP is paid so it goes into an account only you access. Do you get DLA for your child? If not, claim. If you do, again get it paid into your sole account.
And yes to writing what you want to say in an email for the GP.
and you can do this!

And same process for CB for your children. You can do this, it's hard but it's do able

You have people on your side. It's big but each thing you tackle makes it smaller. Please make a first step!

I would suggest contacting women's aid they may well offer really helpful practical advice and help with signposting you for other support services available