Should I try to contact DS1's Grandparents etc?

[flightattendant]

I've been struggling with this for years since his dad left when he was 1. We were never married, I was the 'other woman' he left his wife for - well she chucked him out should I say. He soon went to live with 'another' other woman, contact with DS was sporadic and difficult, he ceased to respond to my calls about 2 years ago. DS asks about him, but I can't elicit a response to phone messages.

I know where his grandparents live, always wondered if I should write to them, send them a picture of DS etc. whom they never met, but do they even know he exists?

I have no idea.

Would it be appreciated or just wrong? I suppose I was thinking of it as 'building bridges' but don't want to inflame things.

Opinions appreciated

Please don't flame me, I know it was wrong to be the other woman, been through all that, feel shit about it and always will but want to do the right thing here.

Hi - how old is your DS?

You may open a can of worms best left shut.

(1) They may resent you as the other woman

(2) They may not know your DS exists

(3) The MAY know but not want anything to do with you or him

(4) You open yourself up to contact with your ex which may work out well but equally well (given his past history) may not

(5) You open your DS to potential hurt if he sees the grandparents but your ex still does not want contact with him.

If it were me? I think I would leave it TBH. You have tried to make contact with your ex and he is patently not interested.

Slight hijack - how is your little one doing? How are things with HIS Dad and grandmother?

Thankyou I think you're right, ds is only 4, I just get these odd moments when I wonder if I ought to do something...

Little ds is doing brill, no word from his dad or granny I prefer it that way so no sense bringing it all up again with ds1's family, really!

Thanks for remembering and asking.

You put it all very clearly and sensibly, my brain couldn't, so really helpful.

Do you know what his grandparents are like?

I can see the benefits of sending them a note and a photo - it may be good for him to have some contact from the other side of the family

I used to hear about them from the dad. They sound Ok, normal, posh...his dad has altzheimers apparently, is about 79...his mum was a nurse and is well respected and a strong woman. I would love ds to have a handle on his background, but it is a risk in many ways. I have a lot of old letters I used to write and never sent them.

I don't think the dad would be pleased if we had contact.

the dad really has not right to say how he feels as he has walked out on you both.

Would a letter adn photo do any harm?

It's tricky isn't it?

yes it is -

If you did send a note what is the worst that could happen

you get ignored?
they want to see ds?
I don't really know the answer but feel it would be good for ds tohave contact with his fathers family

Could you tell ds dad that you are goingto do it so if he has not told them about ds he had better do so?

not sure i think the idea of congtacting father is a good one though

not sure i think the idea of congtacting father is a good one though

not sure i think the idea of congtacting father is a good one though

not sure i think the idea of congtacting father is a good one though

whoops

It is a hard one - as I guess most on here know my H OW has just had a baby - I am very close to my MIL she is a great grandmother and loves my DD and her other 2 GD to bits....TBH I felt quite sorry for OW baby not knowing her - know H has told her baby was born and tentively asked her if she wanted to see baby (trying to say I would understand I would be hurt TBH but really is my DC half sib her grandchild and not sure how long we can all carry on angry though OW is but then she is barking obsessed and you sound lovely ) ....she seemed as angry as me and very hurt if I am honest and said she wanted nothing to do with OW ...maybe in a few years when she can see baby with H and not OW maybe These situations just seem to be a mess for everyone involved especially the DC if only us adults (especially the dads) could put their DC first

budababe (second poster) has given some fantastic advice. My inclination on this subject would be to go with what she says!

Perhaps write a short brief note but put your return address via a PO box or a friend so the ex doesn't know where you are?

They may want contact they not.

Thankyou all very much for sharing your thoughts, especially Macdoodle, whom I am amazed at the equanimity of

It is good to hear it from the 'other side' so to speak, that's part of the problem as once the affair was out, everything erupted between them all, and I had no idea what was going on or how I was supposed to behave...(in the first place, not to have got involved with him would have been a start )

I really don't want to do any more damage, but this child does exist, no getting round it...perhaps things will develop in their own time, as his father's new wife's kids go to the school where ds is starting in september...so it's possible we will meet in passing I suppose.

Funny as he lives a mile away, and I never, ever see him.

I think maybe going through him rather than behind his back might be best iyswim...

Cargirl, he does know where we are. He hates emotional complications, 'scenes' as he used to call them...so ignoring us is probably the safest way for him. It's sad as I'm now at the point where I want ds to know him.

speaking as a grandmother to 3.I think for myself i would want contact with ANY grandchild that i had,of course it depends what kind of people the grandparents are ,buti have had so much pleasure from my three and i love them all so much.Im sure you will come to the right decision for you.good luck

...and Mac, I wanted to add how sorry I am at your situation. Can't believe how horribly stupid and thoughtless I must have been to put someone through that.