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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Advice on relationship

9 replies

Bunny1987 · 07/07/2019 12:51

Hi everyone, I'm new to this and just wanted some advice on my situation.
I'm 32 and partner is 36 and we have been together 6 years and pretty much have been tying for a baby from day one.
In the last year we finally went to the doctors, all my blood tests come back normal, my HSG was all normal.
My partner has issues with his spent count, as currently waiting for a further appointment with our doctor to discuss what happens next.
For last two years we have had problems in our relationship which started of from me going on holiday without him, and since than he has been convinced I cheated on him.
He brings up the past a lot, like stuff from years ago, he had terrible mood swings.

I'm unhappy in the relationship, it's like his younger brother always comes first and is first priority and I'm so fed up of it.
It's like his brother expects him to drop everything for him, and it's like my partner can't say no to him.
Most weekends his brother will ask him to go to his boxing games with him, so weekends I hardly see my partner.
And if we have plans the plans will be cancelled in favour of his brother, like it was our 6 year anniversary last month, my partner had booked a very expensive hotel for us and than last minute his brother calls him up and expects him to drop everything even though he knows it's our anniversary.
So my partner had to leave me for two hours in the evening to accompany husband brother to this event, I was absolutely fuming. Like even for one day his brother could help but ruin it with his demands.

I'm really starting to feel like I don't want a baby with him anymore, I told him I don't think I am ready for kids, and he said well I want kids, and it's a deal breaker if we don't go through this fertility treatment or whatever it will be.

I just feel like if he is like this now, what will he be like with a baby?
Will the baby also come second priority? When I say to him the reasons why I don't think were ready for a baby he's like "Well if we had a baby, I wouldn't be going with my brother, I would be here looking after my baby".
Partner has also lost his job due to taking too many days of work to attend these events with his brother, so he is moaning he is short on money etc, I told him go ask your brother don't moan to me.

I feel like an being petty, as my partner reminds me I'm 32, so time is running out to have children, but would it be right to bring a child into the world where I am so unhappy in the relationship? And there is no guarantee that he would change once we had a baby.
I feel like I'm too old to just go and start over with someone else, partner refuses to go to any kind of relationship therapy either.

Please help

OP posts:
LittleWalnutTree · 07/07/2019 12:53

Will the baby also come second priority?

From what you have said, I think it is highly likely, yes.

HollowTalk · 07/07/2019 13:00

I'd make a quick decision to end this now, to give myself plenty of time to meet someone who put me first rather than last.

Bunny1987 · 07/07/2019 13:03

That's what I have said to him, but he's like oh no.
I hate feeling like this, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, like I'm having a mid life crisis.
Iv invested 6 years in this relationship and I'm msiersble, but I'm scared to move in case I dint meet anyone else.

OP posts:
Charmatt · 07/07/2019 13:05

I think you already know that his brother will always come first. For him to lose his job because he took too much time off for him and to disrupt your anniversary shows he has no boundaries he won't cross.

Don't waste any more time on your relationship with him.

finnmcool · 07/07/2019 13:05

Don't fall for the sunken costs fallacy.
If you stay in an unhappy relationship, you're just wasting more of your time.

catoney · 07/07/2019 13:08

I would not stay with him. As hard as it is for you. You might leave , fall in love with a man and have a baby with someone you want to within a year and you'll be 33. Do not fall for second best! It is totally in your power to have it all - a baby and a nice husband! Dump his arse!

catoney · 07/07/2019 13:09

Just read it again and I want to scream run ti you!! Honestly !!! Please !! Run from this guy. If he doesnt support you now he wont with a baby either. A baby is hard work. You dont want one with someone who doesnt support you. Youre better off alone.

BonneMaman77 · 07/07/2019 13:39

This is what you said: "I hate feeling like this, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, like I'm having a mid life crisis.
Iv invested 6 years in this relationship and I'm msiersble, but I'm scared to move in case I dint meet anyone else."

Do you wish to be miserable with him for the rest of your life or single and happy?

CandidCat · 07/07/2019 13:58

Babies are wonderful things and I feel for you, all you have gone through trying to conceive. But they bring stress that can break even great relationships. They also tie you down to people you would be better off without.

How many people stay in dreadful relationships"for the children"? Don't be one of them. Get out now. You are evidently fertile according to the tests, you are only 32 (a friend of mine had her first child at 48 naturally). If you still want a child there is time.

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