AIBU to feel as if I'm being set up?

[MrsRussell]

So this is a family rather than DH issue.
My mum is an alcoholic with MH problems - narcissist, personality disorder - and after a very long time has been basically directed into rehab by her key worker. (Her words, not mine.)

I'm very LC while she's in rehab. I don't believe for a minute from what she says - and from 40 years of living it - that she's going to stop drinking: she's not expressing any motivation to change, any recognition of issues, any self-awareness. But that's all sort of an aside to the AIBU.

She's in a closed unit. She rings me at times when she knows I'm not likely to be in or have commitments like Cubs night for DS, she rings me from the facility payphone even though I know she's got a mobile phone which she says she doesn't know how to use. She doesn't leave a message when she rings if I don't pick up.

AIBU in suspecting that I'm being set up here as the "unsupportive daughter", or am I just being suspicious?

If she is in rehab, they will have seen it all. Is the staff you're worried about thinking you're unsupportive or your mum?
Because the staff will have seen the damage that addiction and alcoholism does to the families of the addicts. They'll know the pain you've been through.

No idea if shes playing games with your head. You could ring the nurses back and say ou think mum has been trying to get in touch but you've been out,tell them she has trouble using her mobile so are they able to help her with it. Ask them if shes ok and to say hello for you. Dont tell her what your plans are.

I think if she’s a narcissist she doesn’t sound as though she has any positive influence on your life, so I would be happy with the LC and leave her to it. I certainly wouldn’t chase contact. As above, are you worried about what people think? Or what are you worried about?

Do you mean that inside her own head she'll be able to think of you as a rubbish daughter? If so, YANBU, from your description of her that seems very likely. Or do you mean that she is trying to demonstrate to a third party that you are unsupportive?

Either way, ignore ignore ignore. You are LC for a good reason. Focus on yourself and your DS.

Thanks all. I resent being set up to be seen as "the unsupportive daughter" - the corollary to which is, of course, "....and that's why I drink" - but as you say, the staff will have seen it all before.

Because I've also seen it all before, I'm also maybe over-sensitive to the possibility that I am being unreasonable, and that actually she's just being a poor vulnerable old lady and I'm being a twat.
Obviously you're only going on my side of things, but I'm reassured that I'm not imagining this

The Three C's - I Didn't Cause It, I Can't Control It, I Can't Cure It.

Al-Anon's 3 C's @MrsRussell Do you have any real life support to remind you of this. ?

I understand your feelings but you already know you can't change her and the staff will have her pegged.

Would it give you some peace of mind if you did ring the staff back and say she had been trying to get hold of you?
At least you might feel better knowing you have done a little push back.

Look after yourself and your own family and keep your distance from her toxic influence dragging you down. Do the absolute minimum and focus on keeping strong and healthy. You can’t help her.

I do, @FinallyHere.
Like many adult children of alcoholics, I spend a lot of time trying to make sure that I'm not being unfair (to anyone.... drives my DH mad, he says "sometimes people are just arseholes, they don't always need a reason")

It would be very easy for me to punish her for her behaviour in the past by cutting her off. I have to be sure that this is not what I'm doing - IYSWIM. If I was interpreting her behaviour differently from how people not involved in the situation see it - if I was basically, enabling the drama triangle to continue - I'd need to go back and re-think my response.

Your DH’s words are wise! Often there’s nothing to be gained by analyse why people are acting like twats...it’s not worth your energy.

I spend a lot of time trying to make sure that I'm not being unfair (to anyone.... drives my DH mad, he says "sometimes people are just arseholes, they don't always need a reason")
Your DH is seeing this from outside your past and present relationship with your mother and may, therefore, have a clearer less emotional response than you are able to. Do be a little kinder to yourself. 🌹