My marriage ended today

[Ineedhelptocope]

I dont know what I feel. Numb.
The events of the last years have finally taken their toll so I suppose it is collateral damage.
I feel desperately sad
Have taken off my rings and it has broken my heart.
My poor DD is devastated. She has been through so much already.

Please someone tell me it gets easier.

Hi OP, I'm not too sure what's been going on in your life but you sound sad and also a bit relieved.

Yes it does get better, it gets easier & it gets better to the point where you can't believe you put up with it for so long.

Take it easy & just go at your own pace. How old is your DD?

If you want to talk then fee free xxxx

DD is nearly 21. The whole family have been through the mill. You can check out my previous threads around it. He has issues where he becomes so volatile when he drinks. Day to day I guess things were ok but with each drinking incident pat of me just loved him a little less. Of course it was my fault for making him angry when he was been drinking!! I am not completely blameless in it all.... I did not like what I became while married to him. We were incapable of talking things out...would always end in a row. So many lovely days ruined by him getting angry and aggressive. But it was only ever directed at me....it never happened if we were out with friends weirdly.

Of course you have every right to feel the way you do. Even if it wasn't a good relationship, it's still ended and there will be a certain amount of 'grief' that it is now over.
Take your time to absorb it all and be kind to yourself. No quick fix remedies I'm afraid. Just time.....💐

OP - I hope as time progresses you’ll start seeing it as a blessing and wish it ended sooner...
It seems that you’ve been in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic who made you believe it was your fault he got aggressive when drunk - because you made him angry...
It was never your fault he couldn’t contain himself and made you all fear him. It never is the fault of the victims....

You all will be ok. Your daughter is an adult and she will eventually be happy you freed yourself. And maybe - this would prevent her from ending up in an abusive relationship of her own.

Take it a day at a time. It takes a while to get out from the dark place where you are and start finding your strength.

He isnt an alcoholic..... just becomes horrible when he has been drinking. He doesnt drink much. He is basically a good person who would do anything for me but I just cannot balance that against him when he is horrible. I just dont get it. I miss him and am finding it hard to accept that this is it. We've been here before and I suppose I never really let myself grieve because I always assumed things would work out..... I imagine it will really kick in when he says he is not coming back and it is all done. It was me who instigated this and yet I still feel it isnt real

I suppose for the first time the control will be taken out of my hands and he stays away. I am not even sure if I should have fought more....gone to counselling or something. Maybe I should accept that he is not perfect and for the majority of time things are ok...... sorry, I am just rambling. I cannot believe this is actually it now.

Even bad habits are difficult to break.

You've been used to him, you knew what to expect from him, even if some of that was bad. But it does sound as though you will be better off without him, even though you probably can't see that yet.

big hugs x can you post a link to your other threads x x

Of course it was my fault for making him angry when he was been drinking

No, it wasn't your fault. He had the choice to become angry , and he chose to take that option. None of it was your fault, you were just the target of his anger.

Can I suggest that you contact AlAnon - They are so helpful for anyone who has been badly affected by another person's drinking.

Meanwhile you can take one day at a time. Yes it seems unreal at the moment but each day will make your new life a little clearer. At 20, your daughter is able to talk frankly to you - do talk to her and make sure you can both move forward. You need to be a good role model to her now - she has seen how drinking has badly affected you. Don't let her see you cave in and go back to him - she can stand strong with you if you show the way. Al Anon would help you both, I'm sure. Good luck.

@sausage1968
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3622221-The-anger-and-rage-wont-leave-me-Trigger-Rape

my heart breaks for all of you...you have been through so much ...not excusing DH drunken outbursts but is drinking his way of dealing with things. I really hope their is a way you can salvage this as a family or it feels like the monster is continuing his destruction x lots of love sent your way x

Please do go an see al-anon. It isn't just for the relatives of classic alcoholics, it's for anyone who has been negatively impacted by the drinking habits of someone in their life - and that's you.

Your H has been told many, many times that he becomes someone horrible when he drinks. And yet he persists in drinking and allowing himself to become that person. That is 100% his choice. Drinking is more important to him than your happiness and wellbeing. He doesn't want to change. That is all him, not you.

Work your way through the split. Get support and counselling to improve your boundaries and get your self-esteem back. Watch your life get immeasurably better.

He piles it all on me....he doesn't have an issue around alcohol according to him. My depression is making me a lunatic. I am so scared of being lonely. Ive spoken to AA but not much point taking it forward as we are splitting and he wont engage. It is MY behaviour that is the issue. I spoke to him 20 minutes ago in a desperate attempt to see if the marriage can be saved but all he did was reiterate all my issues/depression etc and will not accept on any level that my responses/behaviour towards him are because he turns into an absolute cunt when drinking. I literally feel like my life is fucking over right now. I am finally broken as a human being.

AA is for him - if he wants to change. Al-Anon is for you and he isn't involved in any support you get there.

From what you're saying he does have a dependency on alcohol. If he didn't, he'd be taking on board what you are saying to him - but because drinking when he wants to is more important to him, he deflects it all as being your fault. This is classic alcoholic behaviour. The addict can never take responsibility for their choices. It has to be someone else's fault.

Your stress and depression would disappear like magic once you had split from him and settled down to a happy life without him. Trust me on this, I've been there.

I know it feels like the worst thing in the world right now OP ( my husband of 27 years left me 4 months ago ) I'm still struggling but trying to focus on getting stronger x your daughter needs you too x

I’ve followed your threads recently. My heart goes out to you, you’ve had so much to deal with recently I don’t know what I could say to make any of it better.
Look after you and your DD.

just thinking about you...hope your ok x x

I'm so very sorry to hear this 💐