If your adult child doesn't really want a relationship with you

[Knitwit99]

Do you contact them at all?

Dniece is not really interested in having contact with her dad (my brother) or the rest of our family. No major drama, her parents split up, she and her mum shared a hobby, dad and brother shared a hobby so she had less contact with her dad over time. Mum remarried to someone who shared their hobby and the space got bigger. Over time we have all just drifted further and further apart. She has made it clear now that she is not interested in seeing her dad or any of us.

So in this situation would you keep up any contact at all?

I am thinking a birthday and Christmas card. No suggestion of meeting up or anything, just a 'happy birthday'. Is that ok? It feels wrong to stop all contact.

What should my brother (her dad) do? The same level, a postcard from holiday, can he send a text once a month or something?

Or do we just do absolutely nothing? Just a birthday card?

It's so hard.

I have to say I think her dad could have tried harder to find common ground with her over the years but it was awkward. He spent weekends doing golf with his son, his daughter spent weekends doing horse riding with her mum. That would have been fine if they had all ended up round the same dinner table of an evening but since they were divorced it wasn't like that. It's such a shame. Niece seems happy when we see her, she's really successful at her horse riding, doing great at uni. I very occasionally bump into her in town and have a quick coffee but she wouldn't come to an organised lunch, she's just not interested.

(Hobbies may or may not be real to protect identities)

That’s so sad, you are a lovely person for thinking about sending cards. I really don’t know what I would do. Hopefully other people will have some advice x

Ach that is a real shame she feels like that but I think a Christmas and Birthday card is lovely just send them.

I'd keep up with the birthdays and Christmas cards and occasional coffee. She might not be interested now but that might change as she gets older.

My parents divorced when I was very young Im 48 and still see my Auntie about we chat catch up if i see her in town then we go for a coffee but Iwouldn't go to her house it would be far too awkward

I think its always best to completely avoid burning bridges or cutting blood ties (save for if there has been crime).

I would suggest send a card every Christmas and birthday,
reason is one day when s/he really grows up or starts a family, s/he may wonder or want to reach out, but if there has been no contact, it will be more difficult. The door will always be a little open.

I disliked my divorced father until I was middle aged- and reconnecting him was one of the best decisions I ever made. As an adult, all the anger had worn off and I had been able to see and understand him as a man in his own right.
There is no space for pride in such a situation, life is too short.

And with a simple regular card, your conscience will be clear

a simple message- no facts, or update or anything that could trigger the unexpected - eg

Dearest xxxx
Happy xxxx,
I love you very much.

Always here for you should you ever want to be in touch (email or phone number)
-------

I think it’s for your brother to resolve this, your niece may feel abandoned by her father and I can see her point.

If she’s doing well at her hobby can you not say you’d like to support her and watch an event? She might appreciate that, especially if you can take photos for her

I think it’s for your brother to resolve this

That's the thing though, how hard to you try to resolve it if she's not interested? It's not as dramatic as her saying "I don't want to see you any more", it's just that she has said no every time he has asked for the past 20 times, culminating in her clearly saying no to all offers of a lunch or coffee to celebrate her birthday. Do you become an annoying stalker and keep going because you're her parent or do you back off?

I know I sound overly involved here but my brother (her dad) doesn't have a partner and I'm the only person he talks to and asks for advice. And I have no idea what's best.

I think 'abandoned' is a bit strong, but yes I think he should have got more involved in her events, even though it was awkward getting involved with her and her mum and stepdad. He has a good relationship with his son, and the son and daughter get on well. I think stepdad is more of a dad to her now. It's a shame but maybe that's just the way it is.

I've learned a few lessons from all this though, I have sons and I try really hard to be involved in their interests, not let their dad do all the football matches for example even though I don't enjoy football, is it and watch matches on TV with them because I see now how important it is.

I just send a card from Moonpig to farther after mum died there was no reason to stay in touch didn't want his negativity in my life. Sister is on Facebook but we hardly chat. It is no biggy really.

Her Dad ignored her for years.
Your brother did a piss-poor job, spending loads of time with his boy and none with his girl. Disgraceful sex-based favouritism, really.

It's very fortunate that this didn't impact the sibling relationship.

Sounds like she's drawn a line and good for her.

I think 'abandoned' is a bit strong but it's not anything to do with what you think, it's about how she feels. And I suspect that's spot on, she feels he abandoned her.

Has he apologised unreservedly, with acknowledgement of how she may have felt and without any excuse or blame on someone else?

This may come to pass. At the moment she is hurt and feels resentful towards her father but he is still her dad, in years to come she may come back and the door should always be left open.

Keep sending cards is a good idea.

Sure send her cards and so on, can't hurt. Don't worry too much about it. Sometimes families just drift apart and it can't be up to one person to pull them back together.

I send cards and gifts to my sister, DM and DGM. I have never received one back, they might all text me at 10pm on my birthday because one has reminded all the others. I host them as graciously as I can when they visit my area. I politely fend off invitations to Christmas things etc where I will be the odd one out - the thing is I know they all just want to be able to say that "the family was together" but they aren't that keen on me. I would rather be with those who love me tbh.

My maternal aunt, who I am cordial with, is hosting a reunion later this year. I am going to this reunion to enable my DC to meet these relatives. I suspect my aunt will try to have an intervention of some kind with me, to get me to show more enthusiasm for my DM's family (in my family there is a belief that "bad children" like myself should always be the ones to strive for contact) - I am hoping she won't but it will probably happen. Don't do that to your Dniece, if that ever crosses your mind. Just love her as she is, be interested in her as she is. I'm sure she is trying her best.

Sometimes distant but cordial is best for everyone.

I'm NC with my parents. Not with any other family members but don't get birthday or Christmas cards off them. I would say for you and her dad to send cards would be lovely and will let her know there's a path back to a relationship should she choose to in time.

If she's at uni is your DB providing any financial support?

Does your brother recognise that he could have done more? Maybe he should tell her that and apologise but tell her that he would love another chance, that he loves and misses her.

Yes he pays her rent every month. But they have nothing in common. His son has nothing in common with his mum. They very definitely divided in two after the divorce, it's really sad. The son sees his mum now and again but sees his dad for golf every weekend and usually twice during the week.

I don't think my brother thinks he has anything to apologise for. I disagree and have told him so. He offered many many times to take her horse riding but she always said no, mum knows what to do, you don't, you go to golf with son instead. He always kept a note of when big competitions were, messaged to ask how she got on or send congratulations. So he thinks that's fine. He asked regularly, she said no, mum didn't want to swap and take son to golf for a change, that's the way it is. He thinks that was ok.

I'll send cards, encourage brother to do the same. It's very sad.

I can't imagine not being close to my kids. But maybe if it happens gradually over a period of time you don't notice, like friends with less and less in common over time, I don't know.

Please stop with the cards from your part. It's just making every xmas and birthday more anxious.

She's at the age when young adults drift away from family because they're much too interested in their friends, their social life and their hobbies. As she gets older and starts thinking about boyfriends, weddings, children etc. she'll probably get closer to her DF and his side of the family because they'll have more in common

Keep sending cards.
Be there if she needs an ear.
But leave her be for now.

As pp have said as she ages things will change.
I went years barely speaking to my dad (mum died when I was younger )
But we managed to turn it around later.

In the 6 months before he died we couldn't have been closer.

This too shall pass.

Yes, do keep sending her cards.

My mother left when I was four. One of the things I can’t understand is why non of her 5 brothers or sisters, ever sent me a xmas or birthday card from that date. I occasionally saw them and they’d be chatty etc and give me some “pocket money”, but a card every birthday would have meant so much to me. I not only lost my mum but all my aunties and uncles.