When is the right time to go from 'seeing each other' to 'relationship'?

[Sharkirasharkira]

I've been seeing someone for about 2 months. Due to a combination of work schedules and him having his son we don't get to see each other much and I often end up at his place quite late after I finish work. We don't get to go on days out together or out on 'dates' etc much because of this.

We've sort of had the 'exclusive' conversation but I'm not really sure where I stand as of now because about a month in he had a blip where he said he wasn't ready for a relationship and needed space so we didn't speak for about a week. I know he is still recovering from a very nasty situation with his ex, which I can't go into as I don't want to air his business but safe to say it was bad and the police are involved (stalking kind of situation).

I understand it takes a while to build up trust again and let down your guard after any bad relationship breakdown, and especially in this case. Thing is I'm not really used to this weird 'limbo' stage of modern dating where you 'see each other' for ages and then decide if you want to be in a relationship. As far as I know he isn't seeing anyone else.

I really like him. We have loads in common. We get on really well and have great sex sexual chemistry. I know I want to be in a relationship with him as I see real potential for a future. I don't want to waste 6 months (or whatever) of emotional energy on someone who may or may not eventually want to be with me but equally I don't want to be too clingy and push him away. Is it better to know now if he can see this going anywhere? Or is 2 months too soon for that and I should give him more time?

I've been fucked around by men a LOT so my tolerance for bullshit is at an all time low. I don't want to be anyone's convenient fuck buddy in the long term, it really isn't what I want and is not enough for me.

What happens at the weekends? Do you stay the night and then leave first thing Saturday morning?

Could you ask him if he'd like to go out for a meal, drinks with your friends to see what he says ?

Nah, don't invest yourself in this. He's already had a wobble and has some baggage which isn't an issue in itself, but it sounds like one that could keeps rearing it's ugly head.

I work one day of the weekend and have another day off mid week which are, unfortunately, the same days he has his DS so I can't spend the day with him (I don't have any issues with him seeing his Ds, in fact it's a good thing! It's just the specific days are awkward).

Usually I go round after work and we hang out for a few hours, I'll stay over, then leave when we both go to work the next day. I work evenings too so there isn't much opportunity to us to go out together in the evenings. It's difficult

I would be willing to try and change my shifts around so we could spend more time together and actually be able to go out and stuff but I don't see the point in trying to juggle things and get my colleagues to swap shifts with me if he just sees me as something casual because it's a bit of a hassle to rearrange everything. I would do it for a boyfriend I felt I had a future with though.

Thing is, everyone has baggage. I have loads! Especially at our age (mid 30's), everyone has history and I feel it would be a bit hypocritical of me to expect him to take my shit on board if I'm not willing to do the same.

Chicken & egg. You dont want to change tour work/shift pattern before it becomes "serious", but it wont become "serious" until you see each other more often.

Not a great help I know but something has to give I feel.

Trouble is, in my previous relationships I've always been the one doing most of the running around, doing all the work, making all the compromises. I want someone else to put the effort in for a change!

As it is I'm usually the one that goes to his place, which I don't mind, but I'm not willing to go to all the fuss of changing my shift patterns to accommodate his life, his work, his contact time with his son, without even the most minimal commitment on his part. Why should I? So I can be the one making all the changes, yet again, so he can have me at his beck and call when it's convenient for him and not even have to do anything to work for it?

No. I won't do it again. Not unless I have a decent reason to. I'm not some hard hearted bitch, in fact completely the opposite - that's exactly the problem and I've let too many people take advantage of my good nature.

I think given how infrequent you see each other 2 months is slightly too soon, I would enjoy dating for now & maybe bring it up in a month.

2 months is way to early to commit to someone - you barely know eachother. But I'd have thought 2 months was long enough to see that this situation isn't ever going to develop without a lot of faff and bother, so I'd be leaving it.

Why doesn't he come to yours? The set up currently is a bit booty call instead of dating, tbh, so I'd want more effort from him than you always going over to his.

I don't think he's the right bloke for you, seems half arsed considering your update

It sounds like you are a booty call and bonus he doesn't even have to make the effort to your place. You come to his a couple of evenings a week and have sex.

Do you even have dates outside of the house?

He does come to mine sometimes but I prefer going to his tbh because I live in a shared house and have housemates whereas he has his own place.

We have had dates outside the house but not usually because I'm normally working evenings and all the nights I have off he has his Ds. Obviously it's too early on for me to meet him yet.

OP - two months is way too early to start having ‘talks’....
And if I were you - i’d See what can be done about your shifts. Not for this specific relationships, but for you to have relationships with greater ease.
You’ll have the same issue with most people you date.
For any relationship to develop people need to be able to spend time together.

Yeah I realise this but working in catering is a nightmare for working evenings and weekends, tbh I'm very lucky that I have permanent set hours and one day off in the weekend, most people in my industry work ever changing shifts and it's a huge pain in the arse. I've been trying to get out for years but have no experience in anything else that wouldn't also required evenings and weekends. It sucks! As soon as an appropriate opportunity comes up job wise I'm off

The last guy I was with for 5 years and we met at work, but he worked even more than I did so it wasn't too much of an issue.

I would try and change my shifts so at least they aren't the same as the days he has his DS, but I have set hours which are difficult to change unless a colleague will swap with me. The weekend day I can't change at all. Tbh there isn't any reason he couldn't change his days around too but idk if I'm BU to ask that.

So if 2 months is too early, when is the right time? 6 months? A year? I've already developed feelings for him tbh (not love, not yet) and I just don't see the point in wasting another 4 or 6 or 10 months (or whatever) when those feelings will have grown stronger.

I don't want it to get to the point where I will grieve his loss if he says 'sorry but I only see you as fuck buddy potential'. I've done it too many times already.

To me it sounds like he doesn't want to rush into anything because of his relationship history, fair enough.

On the practical side, you can't see one another much.

If you really like him I'd just see how it goes and not stress too much at this stage, maybe review how things are in say 3 months. The reality is there are no guarantees at this point in dating and even if he gave you something more in terms of his word or whatever now, that's no guarantee things will work out any more than him not saying it.

FWIW I wouldn't ask him to change his nights with ds, for ds sake. Nor would I change your shift pattern. Just go with the flow for now, enjoy it for what it is, keep your own life.

Hope it works out for you OP.

OP I hear you, when I met DP I worked EOW, on-calls and was a single parent. He also had his kids quite a bit. We often went ten days with no date.

What worked for us? Patience, no pressure, getting to know each other and having quality time. Bit by bit things grew. With the right conditions.

I feel something needs to give though (a bit) for you to get that quality time. I get it’s hard but I would change a shift and book a proper date with him. You’re only testing the waters. But don’t ‘expect’ something back. Just create the right conditions and see where it leads.

FWIW we’ve now been together 3.5years and hate to be apart for 1 day!

Give it time and room to breathe (and do not meet his ds for a long time)!

Depends on the couple
Me and my fella where exclusive from day 1
Boyfriend and gf a month later

I don’t think two months is too soon if you’re seeing each other plenty and it’s going well. But in your case you’re seeing each other infrequently, AND he’s expressed doubts that he wants a relationship. Which means to me that the onus is on him now to show you he’s ready to commit and that you can invest in him. It’s all back to front if you’re the one gunning for commitment when he’s the one who pumped the brakes.

In pretty much all long term couples I know, they were at least exclusive and often ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ at two months as when you’re really into someone it’s hard work holding yourselves back from wanting things to deepen! We decided to be exclusive after a couple of weeks, to give us some breathing space to explore what we had for a while without the pressure of considering ourselves to be in a relationship, and decided to be officially together six weeks in, exchanged ‘I love you’s at two months from our first date. No kids involved though.

This guy seems lukewarm about you. I’d pull back a bit and keep dating others as he’s offered you no reason to take yourself off the market for now. And definitely don’t go moving your shifts around, my goodness! If someone is crazy about you they’d be happy with two hours at midnight before sleeping next to one another and an early start the next day, don’t go messing around with your work for someone like this.

I suspect he’s just not that into you, so act accordingly. When someone is into you you won’t have to ask, and he’ll be as keen as you to ensure he doesn’t lose you to some other guy and to secure a stage-appropriate commitment.

I’m not willing to go to all the fuss of changing my shift patterns to accommodate his life, his work, his contact time with his son, without even the most minimal commitment on his part. Why should I? So I can be the one making all the changes, yet again, so he can have me at his beck and call when it's convenient for him and not even have to do anything to work for it?

I mean this nicely but you sound aggrieved and offended at the very idea of changing work shifts... but he hasn’t even asked you to?

How’s things now?

I thi k he's using his ex as an excuse to keep you in the regular shag zone. Sorry OP. Doesn't sound like he wants to change his status.

@JemimaPuddlePeacock he did mention me changing shifts it a 'I can't change my days with ds, so.....' kind of way. Quite roundabout but I could read between the lines!

He was asking to see me 3/4 times a week but it would always be me going to him.

In the end he didn't contact me at all for 4 days and I left him alone as I had a strong feeling I knew what that meant. As I suspected, when he did get back I touch he broke it off, siting 'it doesn't feel right' and 'something's not clicking' - personally I think 2 1/2 months is too long to use that as an excuse, you know pretty quick if you click or not especially after you've slept together! I was nice about it and said ok no problem, thanks for the honesty and we've stayed in touch.

He has since asked me round again but I haven't seen him. Pretty sure he just wants a fuck buddy out of me now and that's not good enough for me.

You're right not to settle for just being a convenient shag for him.

personally I think 2 1/2 months is too long to use that as an excuse, you know pretty quick if you click or not especially after you've slept together!

Glad it’s resolved!

I disagree, but each to their own :) it sounds like the warning signs he wasn’t into it were there from the start but you both gave it a good shot, it’s clear from the outside he wasn’t into it enough for it to work but it’s always difficult to see with your own feelings involved. It’s not like it’s been an amazing ten weeks and an outta the blue ending. Next time definitely keep things light for a while longer until you’re sure of the guy and sure he’s sure about you and definitely don’t agree to be exclusive so soon without a crystal clear full ‘I only want us to date each other as I feel this could progress into something special’. Good luck for the next time!

We've sort of had the 'exclusive' conversation but I'm not really sure where I stand as of now because about a month in he had a blip where he said he wasn't ready for a relationship

Umm...that was your cue to leave then. You do know this means - he doesn't want a relationship with you, ever. You had the talk and he gave you the answer. Just because you took some space and went back doesn't mean he has to change his mind. It wasn't a blip. He TOLD you he doesn't want a relationship with you.

Now you've gone back, he assumes it's because you are cool with that. And it never being more than a bit of fun. There is no 'right time' in your case. It isn't going to happen with you two. He told you, start listening.