Mumsnet helped me leave an extremely abusive relationship more than 5 years ago, and I'm hoping I can get some advice now.
The abuse from my ex has continued over text, email, phone etc, for 5 years now. I've finally got through the divorce, got the house sold - all of it involved court (my instigation, to get this done). So Ive blocked him, am going to go grey rock now.
ex during the process has seen dd eow up to a year ago, then he moved away so it changed to some holidays. On a couple of occasions DD has refused contact, because, on most visits he has ranted at her at some point about my evilness. This is not just shouting, this is ranting so you can't get away, really angry, following you around , blocking you in room. This was the behaviour that made me leave - not even the violence- but this shouting and the losing temper out of the blue, never knowing what would provoke it. So he's doing it to dd. I had hoped that once the divorce was finished it would stop, as the ranting was about me, but recently he did it again as she was on her phone when he was talking to her - (which reminds me of him ranting at me when I got pregnant, and my attention was less on him than on the baby.) She said this occasion was absolutely awful and was just like how he and I were. So I know that now the abuse will continue onto her.
He doesn't live near now so the contact recently has been limited, and at times I have stopped it when she comes back distraught, she stopped it a couple of times but now I take on the baton to prevent her having to make that decision. He makes lots of phone contact although I think too much - he expects her to pick up immediately every day he calls (will call call 4/5 times in a row) and texts throughout the day. I have encouraged her to respond as quickly as possible.
He is now talking about moving nearer, which is hellish for me, but it was only last night that I mentioned to her that this would involve eow, which we haven;t had for a year after he moved away. She was absolutely devastated , really hysterically crying, saying her life would be ruined, because every other weekend he would shout at her.
I now have decided I won't agree to eow.
What I can't decide - is whether to tell him. I can't tell him now as we have the summer coming up and she is going to him for 2 separate weeks. He will rant at her about it. So do I tell him at the end, hope this stops his move nearer, or do I just let it happen but refuse to send her eow. I've said to her we would need to offer something - e.g. every other sunday day time (limit the risk of ranting ), maybe a dinner at his in the week, or every first weekend of the month, or something. She was still crying too much too be able to speak about it.
Obviously - this is not right that she should cry like this at the thought of spending time with her parent. I now regret having set up the weeks with him the summer although she doesn't seem too bothered about this at the moment, I think because it's not a regular - for the rest of her life - type arrangement. And she knows I won't send her on the second week should he rant at her the first week.
What should I do? He has been threatening court. She is just 11. I've got a document with most of the abuse towards her (and some of what I get) logged. He actually wants mediation but Ive told him to jog on about that - tried that in divorce and I just got the abuse all over again .
I'm now going to stop making her respond to his phone messages too - and am going to go completely grey rock - which i have been rubbish at tbh, I get sucked in every time into defending myself when he sends me abusive - and after 5 years I should have learnt. I am hoping if we both go a bit quieter he will drop his plans to move nearer. He has family where he lives now. Here he only has dd.