How do you stay close to your partner when life is draining? Without date nights?

[Mummy1224]

DH works full time, I am a SAHM to 1&3yr old. 3yr old is testing at bedtimes, 1yr old is teething horribly.

On evenings we are both exhausted and do a few separate exercise/TV evenings, tidying up, etc......

He complains that I don’t have time to listen to his work woes (and to be honest I don’t find them that interesting, but I’d like to be able to support him by making time to listen!)

I’m often tired and grumpy by the end of the day, and can be snappy, I feel like he’s getting the worst part of me.

We’re generally stressed and exhausted, sometimes it feels like we’re just housemates.

Any ideas for how to stay connected and give each other more, when there’s no energy left?! We don’t have any family nearby to babysit, so date nights aren’t really doable for us!

Your going through the toughest years, it’s not easy at this stage. We’re out the other side of it now but those years are a blur for me.

We found that taking care of each other helped a lot then, just generally, making each other a cuppa, quick cuddles, sending a txt message saying you miss them. I think it was the small things that helped the most.

Now we’re free to go out once a month and it’s helped a lot.

Find a professional babysitter?

Ditch a couple of tv/exercise sessions in favour of cooking together/other so you interact.

Do you have grandparents who can take the kids for a few hours to give you some time to yourselves? Ideally at least once a month. If not try to find a babysitter you can trust. Or maybe you know other people with children of a similar age that you can make an arrangement with - you babysit their kids and they do yours from time to time?

Be firm with the 3 y/o about bedtime - he/she will be starting school soon and need to be in a routine. Not going to bed when told should lead to sanction - no favourite food for tea or not doing a popular activity.

@housewifeoflittleitaly I’m glad to hear this is the hardest bit! I think more little things is going to be what we need to do, I’ll try and think of a few, thank you!

@BedraggledBlitz we wouldn’t be able to afford a babysitter on top of the cost of a dinner, so I think sacrificing some solo things to spend more time together is probably what we need to do!

@anothernick we don’t have any family nearby who can help, but friends is a good call - I’ll ask around! I guess I assume that since we’re so knackered everyone else is too and won’t want to do it, but hopefully I’m wrong! There are lots of interventions/rewards/sticker charts etc in place for the 3yo, we’re slowly getting there!! Perfect for years and then suddenly become very ‘wilful!’

Thanks for the advice all, I’ll have a chat with DH and see if any of these ideas appeal to him also!

Hi OP. I work full time but otherwise could have written this! It's so full on isn't it 😫 We're just coasting through the grind atm, workload seems relentless & at the end of each day we both seem to want the time to sit and chill quietly. We are probably neglecting our relationship but I'm just always so tired, so is he. Still love DH and date time is great and helps us reconnect, but it's rare and never long enough!

Relieved to hear this stage has an end!! Will be watching the thread for tips!

Definitely find a local babysitter! Yes, it will cost you - but you could use it just to go to the pub. The important thing is that you both have time together without the kids - doesn't have to be a fancy, expensive dinner.

These years are really tough, so take any time that you can.

Alternatively, could you take a couple of days off, go to one of your parents' and leave the DC with them while you go somewhere else for a night or two?

Try and find a professional babysitter if you can.
The little things really help, cuddles, make a hot drink for the other, even just general chatting.
If DP & I haven't been on a date in a while, sometimes we find a nice dinner, followed by popcorn/snacks/desert (or whatever, really) whilst watching a movie together can be just as good.

Set up a babysitting swap with other mums- there must be more of you in the same boat and that way it's an experienced parent you're leaving with child with and not a teenager. Time together is a must. These years eroded my marriage because it turned into a competition about who was harder done by. Being kind to each other is the best advice you can get!

I work full time, Dh is self employed and particularly busy at the moment, and we have a toddler. After ds has gone to bed we sit down together at the table and turn off the TV. Whether it's just for a glass of wine, or a bit of food or whatever. 20 minutes just focused on each other as a minimum every day. That makes a big difference. Sometimes it's very tempting to just veg in front of the TV but making that time to focus on each other and reconnect makes us both nicer people I find.

You've made a good start by recognising that there's an issue and you need to tackle it. It will be worth it - relationships get stronger when shared problems are overcome.

We are doing date nights at home. It does help. Once a week, we start about 8/8.30 after toddler bedtime. We alternate which of us chooses what to do (a board game? Order pizza? Cook together?). We are also working through the book 8 Dates which is a book with guided conversations written by relationship therapists. We almost never have those sort of conversations otherwise and it really helps.

My DCs are a bit older so I’m out of that relentless stage, but I find that the times when I feel less connected to DP are when he forgets to be affectionate outside of the bedroom.

Sometimes we have to press the reset button and remind ourselves to be kind to each other, so making a little snack or drink for the other one when we get up, even if we don’t want one ourselves, buying something they like when out at the shop, giving each other a foot rub or back rub while watching Tv together, sending nice messages, just a kiss or a hug when we’re in the kitchen making dinner, or putting hands on the other ones shoulders when they sit down at the table.

These little moments of connection are the glue that holds it all together, and without them I start to drift away from him emotionally (he doesn’t seem to need it as much, as long as he gets bedtime action, but then sometimes I put my hand on his back and he just melts and says he misses my hands on him, so it’s like he hasn’t realised that he needs it until he gets it!)

None of it takes a lot of time or energy, but it does need to be reciprocal or it will just cause even more tension and resentment if only one of you makes the effort, so sit down with him and discuss some of the ways you like to show love and receive love. If one of his is for you to listen to his day, maybe he makes you a cup of tea while he’s telling you etc.

Thank you for this thread op. I am watching (1 year old DC).

We used to book a babysitter for just a couple of hours and just go for a walk! It was worth the money to have some freedom and some time to chat. I remember those years were sometimes a bit of a “who’s more tired?” competition!
We watched a fair few box sets during those years!! That was our together time even if it was just half an hour. There was an element of “getting through it” though and it does not last forever - just feels like it.

Oooh those are difficult ages. I recall, and sympathise.

Definitely find the money for a sitter. You don’t need to go out to dinner, just have a walk and a couple of beers in a pub, or go for a coffee and then to the cinema.

Also like the idea of visiting your families for long weekends and asking them to watch the kids whilst you have an evening out. They’ll understated why, they’ve had kids themselves.

Also, a bottle of wine on Fridays after the kids are asleep with no tv or phones, just the two of you chatting about anything and everything, including his work problems.

There are some wonderful ideas here all, thank you so much for taking the time to suggest them!

We’ve had a couple of proper evening meals at the table with no TV (albeit frequently interrupted by a screaming teether ) and that has been really nice, to have proper conversations! I think we’ll try and continue that regularly!

Shorter time out is a good idea too, rather than a whole evening in a restaurant (I need to be asleep at 10pm these days!!) but a couple of hours for a walk or a beer sounds brilliant!

Asking family on a long weekend would work too

It’s good to know others are doing it and finding it hard, and succeeding, and that it does end!!!

I have a 3 year old and 4 year old and I'm a SAHM so I can fully relate to your post but the bit I wanted to comment on was babysitting. I babysit for my friend and to me it's like a night out. I get to leave my house while DH does bedtime, watch telly and eat crap in my friends house all by myself!! Then she does the same for me so me and DH can go out. Great arrangement.

bigmap but aren’t you doing bedtime for her kids? Doesn’t sound like an evening out to me...!

Ah I also feel like I could have written that post (DS 9.5 months). I’m still on mat leave and he’s out at work and it does seem sometimes like a whose most hard done by competition and talking sensibly about tricky issues never seems to go well atm. I’m sort of ostriching at the moment and hoping blindly that things will get better eventually (although we do plan to have another in the not too distant future !) Am aware this is not a realistic game plan!

@EgremontRusset no, she only had one child (so far) who is reliably asleep by 7 and mine are only getting into the bath at that point. But she's a 10 minute drive away and I stop at ALDI to get my goodies, browse the junk aisle etc. That way I can justify leaving my house early and yet I'm not arriving at her house at 7.01pm and watching them get ready for an hour. If I'm feeling crazy I might stop at the petrol station and fill up my car too. I make a real night of it. (I realise how sad that is)

bigmap solid planning 😂

Marks and Spencer's dine in for £10. I've always assumed it was designed for knackered parents of young children!!

What do you do at the weekends?

@bigmap your post reminds me - when mine were at that age, I used to go shopping. In those days our nearest Sainsbury's was called a Savacentre, and was a joint venture with BHS, and had various other shops within the centre.

It was my time out - DH could never understand why doing the shopping used to take so long!!!

@BIWI I always say a leisurely, solo trip to ALDI equates to a spa weekend when you have little kids.. 😂

Oh no! Aldi is too small a shop! You need somewhere really big