How Can I trust him?

[MummaToLois]

So, apologies ladies, this is a bit of a long one.

A bit of background first - my daughter who’s one was born in very distressing circumstances in which we both nearly died. She suffered a brain injury from it, but has been doing amazing and so far seems relatively unaffected,
So this week, my daughter turned one and we were holding a birthday party for her today. A few hours before the party I found messages on my husbands phone where he’s been talking to a woman telling her intimate stories about our life. The messages then turned suggestive and he told her he wanted to kiss her. It’s totally turned my world upside down. I know we’ve been having problems, I’ve been receiving counselling following the birth and he’s since been diagnosed with depression and also receiving counselling. I just don’t know how to process everything. I've since confronted him and He said he could tell her things he couldn’t tell me and that hurts me more. I’ve since contacted the woman who genuinely seems remorseful and she’s said it never went any further, they were both just feeling down and got carried away. What also hurts is, my confidence has been at its lowest since having my daughter, I feel ugly, frumpy and have completely lost my identity. The lady he’s been talking to is 20 years older than me! I’m just stunned.

Thank you if you’ve continued reading, I’m not entirely sure what I want from the post, maybe just to see what others would do in this situation?

That sounds awful OP. How horrid of him to have done this and put a dampener on your DDs birthday. Was he supportive after the birth? I also had a traumatic birth (due to hospital neglect) resulting in the near death of DD which the hospital tried to cover up. She's 10.5months. I have PND and PNA and have had birth trauma counselling. My situation may be different to yours but what I realised that is that the way that DH and family acted actually made the situation a lot worse and contributed to my PND. I was always expected to be the caretaker but during the worst of times no one cared for me. DH was also quite selfish about his own feelings and trauma seemingly discounting mine in the process. That's why I ask about how supportive he was? I found that others happily indulged DH when he talked about how hard the experience was on him in a way that I just couldn't because I would be sitting thinking 'hard on you, hard on fucking you. I spent 2 weeks living in a fucking special care unit for DD whilst you whinged about the drive you had'. I had little sympathy for him due to my own trauma. That said there is no excuse for his behaviour and to do have an EA he has checked out of family life in part. What do you want to happen now?

What an awful birth experience but I’m glad your daughter is now doing ok.

Could you and your husband go to Relate together?

Are you confident that the relationship with this woman was never physical? And that it’s not ongoing?

I really do believe it went no further. I think he struck up a friendship in which he found a safe place and stupidly took it to far. He says it meant nothing but it still has me chewed to pieces as I can't help but wonder, if it meant nothing, why would he potentially risk our relationship over it. We've been married for 4 years and together 13. He's since told me hes severely depressed and often had suicidal thoughts. I want to help him, but at the same time I'm still so angry I want him to hurt. But the torment is making me feel ill.