Partner not being honest about X

[myidentitymycrisis]

My partner and I have a long and complicated history going back over 30 years.
And this scenario involves 3 countries so please be patient.

I live in country A, DP in country B and he lived in country C in the past for about 8 years. We got back together a little over a year ago and in talking about the past I asked if he was still in touch with his x who he was in a LTR with in country C many years ago. She knows about me, I know about her, in the past. His answer was ‘no’.

Tonight he tells on the phone she is coming to visit a mutual friend of theirs with her young son and he will be going over to friends house to spend the night, possibly taking his son if 21. X is coming to country B for a couple of days. So when I asked tonight if they were in touch he answered ‘well I haven’t spoken to her for 9 months or a year, but yes we are’ and tells me she now lives in country A in my city, while I thought she still lived in country C.

I’m shocked, not because they are in touch through mutual friends or are meeting, but that he didn’t tell me that when I asked. And now I don’t know what he has told her, does she know we are together? Has he discussed us with her?

We were on the phone and I just didn’t know what to say.
I don’t know what I think, please be gentle.

she is coming to visit a mutual friend of theirs with her young son and he will be going over to friends house to spend the night

Why would he do this ?

He's been keeping a lot to himself. At the very least I'd have expected him to mention that she now lives in your city. Tbh, going just on the bare bones you've given here, it doesn't sound like you've had 30 years of a "complicated" history, more like you've been over-invested in him for 30 years.

Bumblebee, do you mean a) why stay the night or b) why go to see them? A) because mutual friend is several hours away, B) because they are still friends
EileenAlanna.
I agree, I feel that he hasn’t been honest and open and I guess that makes me think, ‘why’? And also that I don’t really know what else he isn’t telling me. It’s not that I expect him to tell all but if I ask I expect an honest answer.
I know haven’t given all the details but I don’t know how you come to that conclusion.

Bumblebee, do you mean a) why stay the night or b) why go to see them? A) because mutual friend is several hours away

Yes I was wondering why the need to stay overnight.

It sounds like whatever complications there have been over the 30 years, they're set to continue.

And I wonder how you have the energy for it.

Oh they live across the country (mutual friend) and partner will be travelling on from there to a prearranged family visit

It sounds like whatever complications there have been over the 30 years, they're set to continue.

The price of being in a relationship with this man is this. Don’t kid yourself that this will be the only incident of being lied to, kept in the dark etc.

Yes, unfortunately I am starting to feel the same way. I feel that he is not entirely honest with himself and as a result he doesn’t feel that there is any validity in what I say and feel in response to his actions. When I talk about this he immediately becomes defensive and launches a counterattack. I love him and I just don’t know what to do

When I talk about this he immediately becomes defensive and launches a counterattack

this would be a massive red flag for me OP. I couldn't live with someone like this. Sorry

I think it's going to be the end of us, after 35 years.
I can't see a way back from this.
It's very sad

OP you give the impression that you've been in a relationship with him for 35 years yet with him having been with at least 2 other women for considerable chunks of that time. Is that the case, or is he simply someone you've known for 35 years but have convinced yourself that it's all been an on off relationship? What's his understanding of the 35 years he's known you?

We have had periods of friendship and two other ‘on’ times over the years, also a period of no contact and most recently a very long period (about 15 years) of him holding the torch for me after I rejected his declaration. I’m afraid none of it is simple.

His understanding is I think pretty much the same, but he is not speaking to me know for the first time ever, so I can’t speak for him. He is often tells me that he can’t believe how lucky he is I agreed to be with him finally. If that helps.