Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why the innuendo and sleaze?

25 replies

ExtraFox19 · 06/07/2019 22:40

My stbxh seems to only be able to be crudely flirtatious with me rather than try to reconcile things in any meaningful way. During our time together I have never felt connected to him
Emotionally and affection has always been fioreplay. We have a complex very upsetting situation which involves young children, one with asd. I am at my lowest physically and mentally and if he were to try to be close to me I would need eye contact and compassion and warmth not what he did a few months ago when he told me how lonely he was and then initiated oral sex and I just felt worn out, invisible and disconnected. Today we had f a day out with the kids which I went on because otherwise my young daughter would have been excluded as my stbxh cannot manage them both in busy places due to
My son’s behaviour. When we came home my stbxh made some sleazy comments when my son was offering him something to eat about how”Put it in my mouth “ was mummy’s line and “can I eat it ?” Was daddy’s line? I am repelled by this considering our situation, how much I long for connection and how depleted I feel but I wonder, as he has never been able to be anything but very sexual with me in this coarse way, whether he just doesn’t know how to do love, to do things any other way either woman?

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 06/07/2019 23:02

And why is he making these comments when he i seems to not want to get back together and seems to blame me for all his unhappiness.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2019 23:05

His behaviour is disgusting.

Are you getting divorced? Can you limit any and all communication to the DC or are considering getting back together?

Involving your children in that sort of talk makes me want to puke in my mouth, no wonder you find him repellent. It’s horrible.

Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 06/07/2019 23:29

Yes it makes me want to puke too. Children have no idea what is being said. I have sent him a petition. Our finances have already been split. He feels hard done by. As he had no money and my children are so demanding I cannot even look Forward to any time to myself abs he keeps reminding me that he can’t afford a place the kids can stay at but also that he is missing out on their lives. I really don’t know why he is creepy like this. When he came on to me after I hugged him because he had been so lonely I expected and desperately needed warmth and connection but found myself in some
Mechanical 69. I don’t know if he made these kinds of comments to embarrass me -i think maybe that’s it. He’s very intelligent, very funny, quick etc so it’s not stupidity - I just don’t understand him.

OP posts:
Singlenotsingle · 06/07/2019 23:34

He's emotionally stunted though, isn't he?

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/07/2019 23:35

You’re doing the right thing by getting on with the divorce. He’s treating you and your children with such disrespect, you deserve so much better!

If he hadn’t been such an odious arsehole to you you might not be having to divorce him.

What’s going to happen when he has contact with the DC on his own if he struggles with their needs? You need some time to yourself and he should be able to cope as you have to.

Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 06/07/2019 23:40

My sons behaviour is just too challenging when out and about for my daughter to be safe if they are both with him. I am drunk with exhaustion and Sex is truly the last thing on my mind- I need sec like a fish needs a bicycle but I don’t want to put my children in any danger of being lost etc and I want both to see their dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 06/07/2019 23:49

He’s always been
Like this ... I remember on our wedding night as soon as we went into our lovely room after a beautiful wedding he had had zero part in arranging his words were: “now let’s f*” I have never had that emotional connection i
Have needed , even in the hardest times. The only time I felt any real connection was when he kissed me reassuringly before I had my daughter by c section when I was panicking.

OP posts:
RamblingEm · 07/07/2019 00:00

Forgive my bluntness but at some point you’re going to have to hand over the reigns and let him manage them by himself. I appreciate your son’s behaviour is challenging and makes you conferences for your other daughter, but you must know that the current arrangement isn’t going to work long term?
Why are you comforting him? You’re essentially playing into his hands. You’re still “available” to him, he still has the capacity to emotionally play you because you’re allowing it. He knows exactly how to get what he wants from you, and you’re enabling it to continue. There needs to be clear boundaries set, the only person who can do that for you is yourself. You need to distance yourself from him, create clear boundaries of what you will tolerate and what you won’t tolerate; disrespect and sleaze in front of the children being the main one.

RamblingEm · 07/07/2019 00:02

Conferences = concerned. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Maitairiki · 07/07/2019 00:04

Please don’t have Alex with him again - it won’t help the situation

Maitairiki · 07/07/2019 00:04

Ffs sex not Alex

OldUnit · 07/07/2019 00:05

If you can manage both the children on your own there's no reason on earth he can't. Don't let him tell you otherwise. Hmm

The other thing...ugh. I'd want to scrape him off me with a butter knife. Envy < not envy.

OldUnit · 07/07/2019 00:07

Also, who says "right then, let's fuck" to his new bride, the most cherished person in his life on their wedding night.

Absolutely grim. Angry

TheInebriati · 07/07/2019 00:38

Talk to social Services about not allowing him unsupervised contact and tell them what he said to his kids. Its concerning.

Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 07:43

He poses absolutely no risk to the children- they adore him - it’s only my presenter which makes him like this. The difficult thing is it’s so weird this sleazy side to him as he is s very clever, funny and well educated man. My feeling is that this is the only way he can relate to a partner but when you are struggling with young children one with autism and you feel utterly extinguished most of the time this kind of talk feels very incongruous. It’s maddening. I would leave him with both but it means he is either st home all day with them ( my home) or I worry about him losing one or the other ( my son runs off and and gets overwhelmed and my daughter is also very energetic) or not meet their needs when out as too overwhelmed. I also worry he will just keep my daughter strapped in s buggy which she hates. He only sees them once a week for about 5 hours as he’s moving closer to us but cannot afford anything bigger than a studio flat now so says they can’t stay with him.

OP posts:
Zaphodsotherhead · 07/07/2019 10:08

Does he have problems relating to other women too? In other words, does he see women as autonomous thinking beings, or just as people attached to bodies with sex organs?

I'd assume he doesn't need affection and doesn't understand how it works, and actually thinks that sexual innuendo is how you talk to women. Does he have any female friends? Or work with any women? Has anyone ever complained about him?

He sounds utterly horrendous, and I think all you can do is slap him down verbally every time he comes on with the sleaze.

TheInebriati · 07/07/2019 10:13

How much your children adore him is irrelevant to how he talks in front of them. Stop asking them to be accommodating of their parent. Its not their job to parent them.

Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 11:05

The children are Not parenting him? How exactly? He has no female friends. He works with lots of women. He is faultlessly professional at work.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 16:44

Any psychologists out there who might explain this to me? He is nice to his mum and sister and I always felt my feelings were less important than theirs . I don’t remember ever having sex with him and feeling it was about anything other than getting his rocks off. I longed for some eye contact but whatever there was felt forced. After a year of separation he started giving suggestive signals for a while that felt totally inappropriate for our situation ( I’m
Exhausted, have a child with asd, sad situation with break up, lots of anger and disagreements and bitterness). He’s not tried anything since I suggested physical contact in front of the kids would confuse them but he occasionally makes these sexual references? It’s so bizarre?

OP posts:
Ullupullu · 07/07/2019 17:57

Why are you trying so hard to analyse this? He's a dickhead and you are right to split up. Co-parenting isn't working so arrange something else where you don't have to spend so much time together

Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 18:05

I’m trying to analyse it because until
I understand it I can’t move on.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 07/07/2019 18:07

You've mentioned that your son has autism- could Dad also have it? There is a genetic link to autism and you mentioned his lack of eye contact and inappropriate sex talk.

I'm not saying that you should put up with things, press for a diagnosis btw. I would press on with the divorce and alternate contact weekends (one with his son then one with his daughter) rather than play happy families.

pikapikachu · 07/07/2019 18:09

Alternatively he's acting like this because it's got what he wanted from you when he's said that in the past. He wants sex and thinks that he can pester you into it.

Either way you are wasting energy trying to analyze it. It's creepy and gross so you should stay away.

Original poster
ExtraFox19 · 07/07/2019 18:11

Pikapikachu -it has crossed my mind but I don’t think he does / if he did it would be super high functioning as he has a very serious position in the medical field and is very impressive sometimes socially, funny and bright etc and has a history of being v popular at school etc and being in productions etc
So that wouldn’t fit. I think he does like to throw my off and make me uneasy/ embarrass etc but I don’t understand it.

OP posts:
pikapikachu · 07/07/2019 18:22

He's either got no respect for you and treating you like a plaything or he gets a kick out of your discomfort- especially if you end up doing something sexual. It really doesn't matter why. You deserve respect. You deserve better

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread