Not used to men being so nice

[naughty40me]

Hi all

Have really been through an awful time with other men.

Have now met someone who is the total opposite: he is treating me like a princess and I absolutely do not know how to handle it!

Most of the men in my life, including my father have been abusive. I actually cry when anyone is nice to me because it strikes a chord deep down that I can't explain.

To have this man is so lovely but I am also so scared and holding back as I just do not trust. How do I cope with these feelings?

I also feel guilt for moving on; I have been attached and heartbroken for so long. Abused and cheated on and yet I feel wrong for leaving all that behind me.

I'm trying to take a leap of faith but I'm finding it all so strange,

Am I just weird or has anyone else felt like this?

Have you tried counselling / therapy to help?

I am currently on the waiting list for some counselling. Hopefully it will help.

Hello naughty one,

I was never abused but I did spend 21 years with a man who did not fully, deeply love and want me, who was frequently grumpy, who I tiptoed around trying to keep him happy, who let me do the large majority of the work, who generally always got his way, and who finally cheated on me. He was all I had ever experienced, so until the cheating I actually thought he was good to me and our relationship was good. It didn't occur to me that I deserved more.

I left him and after two hard years, I am now in a relationship with a man who treats me incredibly well. He loves me deeply, complements me, cares for me, does huge amounts of work to make my life better, is flexible and attentive around my needs, is gentle and treats me like I am special. I found it very hard to believe in at first, and all through the first year, part of me was holding back and 'testing'... waiting for the 'ah but...' moment when he turned into a grumpy, selfish guy who didn't think much of me- but it still hasn't happened and I am slowly stopping expecting that. I am also slowly seeing myself through his eyes - as worthy of good treatment and love etc......

I know what you mean about the crying thing.... a few weeks in, my new man spent five hours tearing ivy out of my overgrown garden, while he insisted on me sitting relaxing. Every time he does something for me like that or cares about me and is gentle it brings tears to my eyes.. it heals something inside me that has been deprived for a very long time. It can feel hard to accept, to believe in.

I think counseling can be useful to support you in rebuilding your self worth, so that you KNOW you deserve to be treated well. In the meantime, enjoy the new feelings you are having. Allow this man to be good to you and trust that you deserve it, (while also verifying - building slowly your experience of him so that you know he is for real - eg: does he just give you superficial compliments or does he sacrifice his own needs/ do the hard stuff to meet your needs?).

Whether this relationship works out in the long term or not, this is a crucial chance to shift your inner expectations... and start receiving the love and treatment you deserve. Good luck!

I just saw a great thread, "what were your green flags" in the relationship section (sorry - don't know how to link).

Op I think this would be a great thread for you because it shares signs of what a great relationship can be like..... it could help recalibrate your expectations.... and also help you judge whether your man is a real keeper....

'Treating you like a princess' could mean lots of things - it can be quite a superficial charm thing, which we can be quite vulnerable to if our confidence is low... or it can be real evidence of a good heart. The green flags thread has lovely stories of how men act when they have a really good heart and they really love you.

How would you like to be loved?
For me, love is being interested in what I have to say. Is remembering how I like my coffee. Is checking the bread bin and buying some if needed without telling me all about it. Is seeing I struggle with something and asking: would you like me to teach you how to do that, or shall I just do it, save you a headache.

It’s very hard, when you’re not used to it. Baby steps.

Thank you for the replies.

@BraveGoldie

Your story is so inspiring. I'm sorry you had such a hard time before but am so pleased to hear that life has got so much better for you...I can totally relate to the teary feelings.

I will take your advice, it's still early days and of course I am on high alert for red flags and at this stage take everything he says with a pinch of salt. It's just so good to feel that little bit special for once though.

The feelings of guilt that I have are troubling me. It's like I have somehow failed by "giving up" on my ex and letting it go. But it's been years of being left and picked back up, lied to, used. I don't want that anymore. I will always love him though but I know it's not real love; it's an attachment to someone who I just yearn for their approval; like I am not good enough and I can never get closure.

Ah well...I hope now I've hit 40 and have my new job, that I'm starting to move forward now. This man may well disappear but the way he is with me is the way I want things to be so I know now that I have something to aim for..that there are good men out there.

Thank you for your lovely reply

@SeaSidePebbles

You are right. Love is all the little things.

I just want to be wanted. To feel attractive, to be noticed for the good person that I am.

I don't need fancy holidays or material things. Someone who can just look at me and think "god she needs me to make her a coffee!"....or to just see my stress head at times and just throw his arms around me and calm me...that would be bliss for me.

They won’t do it unless you make it clear that’s what you want/need.
It’s not because they’re rubbish of not in love.
It’s all very well to imagine someone would do that umprompted, maybe they would, once, but not in the long term.
I wished for/expected to be cared for, whilst exuding nothing but self assurance, tremendous independence and a cutting sense of humour. Basically I built a wall as a result of various traumas and hid behind it, turned it into a bloody tower. And then wondered why nobody can see the real me.
Show your vulnerability, show up.
The results will not be yet another situation in which you were trampled on. The result will be: I was scared but I did it anyway. Might not be the perfect result I imagined, but I showed up.