Forcing DH to spend time with us

[InRainbows]

He's a busy man and we live separate lives (in the same household) I've had to insist that we spend one day together every month for the sake of our 1yo but I feel like I'm forcing him into it.

I've been with him for 10 years and I loved the freedom of doing my own thing and the fact that he wasn't controlling but now I just feel really unfulfilled and I feel like I need more from our relationship. He's so impossible to talk to, I'm worried this is the beginning of the end for us.,

one day a month - where is he the rest of the time

Honestly its not the beginning of the end its the end end

Effectively your dc has no df anyway.
Ltb.
He has checked out - if he was ever in!

Does he look after the child?

What is he doing the rest of the time, including weekends? If you’re “forcing” him to spend time with you and your child, you don’t have anything to work on here.

He looked after our DS when I went away for two days but it was a nightmare - distraught baby when I returned since then it's improved slightly but I still do 99% of the childcare and it's always assumed that where I go, the baby goes.

It really is a bit of a nightmare situation because I really don't want it to end in separation and I'm so scared about how I would manage on my own. We were pretty much fine before we had a child, it's crazy how it seems to be freefalling and we have such a wonderful amazing baby as well?!? I really don't know? We had a major fall out today and he's out tonight (been drinking since the afternoon), I'm feeling a bit anxious about him coming back tonight, half hoping he stays out.

Of course you would manage on your own -you do now!

He's essentially still living that fun single life.

I'm so scared about how I would manage on my own.

But you are managing on your own. One day a month is nothing. That's the level of help I could get from a friend. So whatever else you're scared of, don't be scared of that because you're already doing it.

but you are already on your own and you would rather he stayed out because its easier that way

Yes @PrawnOfTheShed this is exactly what I have started to wonder?

All his time outside of hobbies is supposedly needed so he can work on house renovations but it's a project he has been working on for over 10 years so there is just no end in sight for it.

What does he actually do for or with you?

Of course you can manage, you do already.

While you are pondering on the meaning of life OP. Do.not get pregnant again with this person, no matter how much he asks.

I’m in the same boat. I have to keep reminding family members that if they tell him something it doesn’t automatically come to me because we don’t talk. Ever. Just passing phrases or requests. Can you do the washing up, what time are you home, when are you next off work, I’m making noodles for dinner.

I feel like we’ve merged into the same entity and at the same time I’ve lost my best friend. He’s just not ‘here’ anymore and I don’t bother to try either. I feel like it’s futile, because forcing conversation and sharing interests is just that - forced.

But I wonder if you feel the same as me in that relationships are difficult with babies and are trying to ride it out too...

I'm afraid there are some men who'd rather gnaw their own arm off than look after their kid.

I'm always amazed that the lack of input a partner has, has to be forced to do 1 DAY A MONTH with their families, but has the time to conceive a child... if my dh had to be forced to spend time with me and the dcs, I'm not sure I'd actually want sex with him..

Yes Mummoomoocow I feel the same, desperate to hang on in there in the hope that once the hard bit is done we will just return to normal but I also feel resentment is just building up everyday.

God yes the resentment, I know I definitely am not trying so I couldn’t possibly blame him for not trying... except that I do. I want it to be easier than this but what if we never click again?

Also I’m really ducking sick of MN constantly going on about leaving your child’s father. It’s so alienating to know no one wants to help you fix things, that relationships are to be disposed of because things have got hard.

LTB

My oldest is 8 and it's no better. Sorry

no one wants to help you fix things
I feel it is more the case that people are recognising there is no solution, you cannot make a man want to be a good parent if he is determined to avoid taking any responsibility or if he feels deeply that this is woman's work and beneath him