Anger issues

[busymum303]

So think I already know what everyone is going to say to me before I even write this so not looking for advice exactly, just support really, someone to talk to. Been with my partner for 8 years now, and think it's safe to say he's got severe anger issues, he's never been physically violent to me but gets very very angry very quickly over the silliest of things and is very emotionally abusive once he loses his temper.
I have tried to speak to him about this many times in the past but he just doesn't see that he has an issue.. tonight the LO was climbing all over the sofa, she knocked into the dog who then knocked over his cup of coffee, went all over the sofa and all over him. And he just lost it, not at the LO I must stress but just in general, threw the tv remote in a rage and stomped about shouting in general about the mess of the house, the washing, my DC beds that hadn't been made yet, how lazy the kids are just anything he could find to kick off an argument, told him he was out of order but he honestly can't see it, it's always someone else that's to blame for making him angry! Makes life so difficult sometimes and feel like I'm walking on eggshells most of the time Incase he loses his temper..I love him so much but struggling just now and before anyone tells me to leave him, I can't do that for reasons I can't go into; things are very complicated and just can't uproot the family again, would never be able to live with myself..

You are in an abusive relationship with this man and it is not your fault he has decided to embark on his own private based war with you.

I am wondering also if you are confusing love with codependency.

Things may be complicated and there are always obstacles into leaving but the longer you stay with him, the more worn down your children and you will become. This is not going to get better and the only direction this will go in is down. He will continue to destroy you and your kids from the inside out.

They are not going to say thank you for staying with someone like he and if you were to tell them why you stayed or otherwise could not leave (perhaps along the lines of being unwilling to uproot the family again) they will call you daft for doing so and hate you for doing that to them. They could well accuse y of putting him before them and in turn you could harm your own relationship with them as adults, perhaps even damaging that beyond repair. You may be unwilling to state why you are choosing to stay but that is really what you are doing and in doing so putting them and you in direct harms way. You are really staying for your own reasons. I put it to you that no obstacle is insurmountable.

No reason for staying is a good enough reason to them, this is what you are also teaching them about relationships. You are teaching them that currently at least, this is still acceptable to you on some level. Would you want them to have an abusive relationship as adults, no you would not. You do not want this either deep down. Such men do not change, this man hates women and all of them to boot.

What if any outside help and support have you received to date? Have you contacted Women’s Aid, the Rights of women and or your local domestic violence organisation. The police should also be called if he kicks off too and it may be possible for you to obtain some form of injunction or barring order against him.

He has a problem with anger, your anger, when you call him out on his unreasonable and abusive behaviours.

Anger management courses are no answer to domestic violence.

What is worse for you in the long run?. Uprooting the kids again or explaining to them why you remained in an abusive household with them also seeing and hearing all this from him?. As I wrote before they are not going to say thanks mum.

Op I have been until your situation until 2 weeks ago. I put up with 13 years of it. The main symptom of being in an abusive relationship is feeling like you are walking on egg shells. Leaving is horrendous but your life and your dcs life will improve overnight.

Thanks for the replies. I think I'm starting to realise that everything you have said is correct, I can't state my full reasons why I can't leave, but we also have his DC living with us and due to circumstances which led to them coming to live with us I just can't put them through another family break up, they've had a horrendous time of it already. I always try my very best to protect the kids from seeing or hearing his outburst, obviously they do see some of it but I always tend to take the kids and leave the house, take them to the park etc, until he calms down. They are my priority and I know I'm contradicting myself there but I cannot put them through what would come if I was to leave..

I have received no support, have never told anyone or spoke to anyone about this until now..

Oh and no police involvement either

Ultimately this current family set up will have to end. Your relationship with him is at an end anyway because of his abuses of you and in turn them.

All of these children are being abused by this man because they are seeing abuse to you within their home. Their home is not a sanctuary to them but it’s now more akin to a war zone. You may well be taking them out but the fact is that you are not fully protecting them from seeing you being abused. This is doing them all great emotional harm.

Are social services aware of these children moving in with you?. Please for your sake and theirs seek outside help and support for you all to lead lives free of abuse. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Taking then to the park is not protecting them. They will be living in fear. You need to get yourself out

Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy. Do not keep his abuses of you a secret any longer. Please further open up to organisations like women’s aid and the GP. Get a paper trail of his abuse documented.

The only person here to blame for his abuses of you and in turn these children regardless of parentage is him. This is all on him.

Fear of their abuser often keeps women within such relationships and you may fear potential reprisals from either him or his family. However this is still not a reason to stay and coercive control is now a criminal offence. People have been sent to prison for such offences. These children deserve a life free of abuse as do you.

I'm someone who grew up as the child in such a situation.

You are not protecting the children, they are fully aware of the situation and they want it to stop.

He won't change things so you must.

I know it's hard but honestly it's not impossible and it IS necessary. Urgent even.

Contact women's aid, ss etc for support, post here for advice and support but to do nothing, to stay with this man enables his abuse and supports him.