How would you react to this

[Miabeth]

My dh and I have had a tough year, close family bereavement and some financial pressure and job changes. We have been arguing a lot and not resolving anything, we argue ignore each other for a few days and eventually it's swept under the carpet and not talked about. Last night in an argument he said he hated me . I'm distraught at this and think there is no going back from that, he didn't apologise today until I was very emotionally upset, just said it was said in temper and I'm being childish going on about it. I think its a horrible thing to say and cant get it out of my head. For context , we are together over 20 years ans have 3 teenage children. We can't afford counselling so it's not an option. What's your views on this?

I would think the “I hate you” stems from a lot of lingering resentment over past arguments and issues that have never truly been dealt with and put to bed. You can’t paper over cracks and not expect it to show. I know you said you can’t afford counselling, but Relate may be able to help you regardless.

I agree with RamblingEm Resentment builds.

You really need to thrash this out and work on better ways of communicating. Burying your heads in the sand is only going to create more problems.

You say you can't afford counselling, but at this stage, I think it should be a priority.

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry - that’s an awful thing for him to say...however I think it’s an anger thing. I feel like men think that the things that come out of their mouths in anger when they’re just gunning to say something that is going to shock us into silence will just be forgotten. My husband does it too. The other night he called me a viscous snake and said he didn’t want to be with me anymore turns out he’s been feeling lonely and left out ever since we had our daughter 5 months ago. I was so close to leaving with the baby to my parents for a day or two.

I really think the counseling thing should be top priority as you’ve really got to learn how to communicate. Saying I hate you isn’t arguing really, and waiting till you really do hate each other is too late

If you’ve wronged each other in an argument that needs to be acknowledged, with tenderness and sincerity - not ignored until the next explosion.

Go out to dinner and try to talk to him about things. He can’t shout and throw a tantrum in a restaurant order a nice bottle of wine and also have each other day three things that you like/appreciate about each other. Hearing those things can have an amazingly positive effect.

Best of luck

I appreciate completely that you feel you can't afford counselling. But it's cheaper than divorce. If you genuinely don't want to split, find the money. If you can't it could be way more expensive and you'll have to find that money.