Don’t know what to do about DH drinking and disinterest

[Pinkpiggy12]

Been with my DH since we were 16 (now 30) and were married 3 years ago, no children.
I feel we are stuck in a rut. I don’t feel like we spend any time together. During the weekdays we get home from work and he will barely speak to me, he will just be on his phone. We eat dinner, watch a bit of TV and go to sleep around 9pm. He always complains that he is tired. If I try and initiate conversations with him about his day, he half replies while being on his phone, not giving me his full attention.

At the weekend he goes to the pub and gets steaming drunk. I hate it. I don’t like drinking or go to the pub so I will see friends and family. We never do anything together, we never go anywhere or do anything. If I suggest going for a walk or going somewhere he will always say no. There will always be an excuse like the weather or he’s not interested in going there/doing that. I don’t like being around him when he gets home drunk. Sometimes he will try and have sex and I will say no and then he will go downstairs in a huff and sleep on the sofa.

He does most of the cooking and I do the washing up, however a few times if I’ve been out and eaten elsewhere and he eats or gets a takeaway just for himself he will still leave the washing up for me. If I ask him to do it he will refuse. I hate living in a mess so I just end up doing it. He is stubborn and is quite happy in a mess so will refuse to ever do it and so if I didn’t do it it simply wouldn’t get done.

I just feel like we don’t spend any meaningful time together and I have no way of communicating these issues. Talking to him doesn’t work as he just gets defensive and turns it around to me. I hate getting into arguments I feel I can’t win so I just leave it for a quiet life. However I am unhappy with no idea how to change things. I don’t want to split up with him I just want to know how to make him realise that we are stuck in a rut and need to make an effort with each other. He used to make a lot of effort in the early days with planning trips etc for me. But not he can’t be bothered and I don’t feel like I’m a priority.

What are the positives to living with him? What is it about him that you love?

Could he be depressed? The lack of communication, tiredness and binge drinking a ring massive bells with me, you could have been describing my ex husband. He was depressed but wouldn't do anything about it and I ended up lonely, miserable and frustrated.

Sorry to say (for you, not me) that leaving him was the best decision I ever made. I'm now married to someone who is chatty, fun, kind and interested in me. Doesn't drink much and makes me feel part of a team.

If you still love your DH, try to encourage him to get some help, before you stop loving him altogether. Which you will, trust me.

Sounds like he's checked out OP. If it was me, my response to this situation would be to check out too.
It's no way to live and you've tried and tried to find common ground but to no avail.
If you want one piece of advice then I'd suggest detaching completely from him, his needs, his wants, his expectations.
Talk yourself into what I call 'command', mode meaning you take charge of your life and everything in it and tell him your needs are not being met and if it continues then its a dealbreaker.
And follow through.

I don’t think he’s depressed I think he just really enjoys going drinking and people watching. This is where he gets his entertainment. It’s normal for him as this is what he’s grown up with (family drinking in the pub at weekends pre/post football etc. But he will go regardless of football.

Sounds utterly mind numbingly dull. You're only 30 with no kids. If you're going to separate (I would) then this is the ideal time! Don't leave it til you have very few fertile years left, if you want kids that is...

He won't change and neither should you. Sounds like you've had lots of lovely years together and have grown apart. That's ok.

Well if he's not depressed he just sounds really really boring. Sorry. I have lived with everything you describe and it's no life really, not for you and not if you want more.