LTR at an end - advice please

[Eqqybobbins]

Hi all. Hoping for some advice / a good talking to please! Me and OH have been together almost 10 years. I am 33 he is late 30s. Lived together for last 4 years. No sign of marriage (he doesn't believe in it ) and no sign of any DC anytime soon (we don't feel ready, although I'm not sure what would have to change to be ready). Things haven't been right for a few years - mood swings/sulking/gaslighting/controlling, lack of motivation in doing anything, no communication, no shared interests(drifted apart and we're both different people to what we were 10 years ago) no intimacy, no interest in each other etc (don't get me wrong I'm sure he'd have stuff to say about me).

We haven't shared a bed at nighttime for about 8 months - for some reason he sleeps on the sofa (he says it's so he doesn't disturb me when he has to get up early, he falls asleep watching tv & because we have a young dog who doesn't slept through). During several of our periods of silentness / gaslighting I've considered a few times calling time on the relationship, but something always stops me. I think I'm scared of being on my own at this age, never finding anyone else, worried where I would go (I would leave, not him, as I moved to his village), leaving the dog etc. All but one of my friends are the partners of his friends (not that we see them much) so if I go I would literally need a fresh start in a new place, new friends etc. I'm torn between accepting this is my life for the next 40 years, or calling it a day. I'm financially secure enough to live alone but have never done so. Anyone been in a similar situation or can talk sense in to me either way? X

Gosh, fresh start, op. I have literally no idea why you'd stay. You have one life, don't piss it away.

Go! Definitely nothing else for it...you're only 33 and have a whole life ahead of you...grab it and run with it x

Holy... you live in a village. Why the fuvk wouldn't you run.

Fresh start in a new place sounds like just what you need. Ditch your gaslighting twat stbx and move on with your life. Do you have any idea where you might want to move to? Are you taking your dog with you?

Another man who “doesn’t believe in marriage”.

It’s time to start afresh OP. For lots of reasons.

Well it's a good job he doesn't really - marriage to him sounds a very bad idea.

I left a flagging LTR in my late 20s. I did a lot of deliberating first, but once we'd split I felt so free, like there was this whole other, more exciting, life just waiting for me.
I didn't have to move area, but I made new friends and reconnected with old ones.
There were sad times where I mourned what could have been, but ultimately staying with someone just because they've always been there is a poor reason imo.
Do it!

My marriage ended in my early 30s and we'd been together since I was 18 so I was worried, like you are, about starting over.
I didn't have to move to a different area but my friends were all his friends so I was basically on my own.

What scared me most was being on my own/meeting someone else as I hadn't had a date since I was a teen. Dating has changed a ridiculous amount in the last 10yrs or so - I did online dating and ended up with a couple of unsuitable blokes before meeting my now bf.
At our age, there's very few decent blokes who are free and single - they either have kids or major issues. It sounds like you're miserable with your partner so being alone would be a huge improvement. DO NOT accept this will be your life for the next 40yrs.
You may have the occasional 'what if' moment after you leave but trust me, your life quality will improve dramatically.

Don’t let fear of the unknown keep you chained to the unsatisfactory familiar, your future self won’t thank you.

You're only 33. You have fun and adventures ahead of you and a life to live. Leave now.

Oh god you've all made me cry because you've all said exactly what I know I need to do but it's so scary. I wouldn't have a clue where to start though - and no I don't think I could take the dog with me as we both work FT but his parents have her during the day & he paid for her etc. It's stupid but I think I'd miss the dog more than him - I can't imagine leaving her behind 😢 xx

I would recommend reading ‘Feel the Fear and do it Anyway’. It really helped me in this situation.

To give up your chance of having kids and a happy life for a dod is daft. You’re using it as an excuse. If he paid for it and his parents look after it, it is his dog.

It is daft when you say it like that but when I don't see my family and only have 1-2 friends, and the dog is the only living being I talk to apart from when at work, she's quite important to me!

I know, dogs are wonderful, and you will miss her. But she is not worth staying for.

Why don’t you see your family? Is that your choice? Or has it just gone that way over the years of your relationship?

There's only really my mum and we're not close, even though she only lives 10 miles away. Nothing to do with him, just not a close knit family.

You could have an agreement that you see the dog regularly and have her for holidays?

Tbh it sounds as if the ownership of the dog is basically what's left of the relationship. No wonder you're scared of losing her. When I left my xh I was completely gutted to lose my house - so happy to be free of him. But you really can't stay for a dog.

Leave!! I did it 4 years ago. I’ve never looked back, not once. I now have my own home, do what I want when I want, see friends and family etc. It’s great

It’s a shame to leave the dog behind, but get your own place and get a cat. They’re much easier than dogs to look after anyway.

Hi OP, lots of helpful advice already here, but I wanted to post as someone who’s recently made that leap into the unknown. I split with my partner of 13 years a couple of months ago. Our situation is very amicable - we are good friends which made it hard to decide to finally call time on our relationship. However, being brutally honest with ourselves we should have done this some years ago - perhaps even as many as 5. I am 38 and would like a family (he doesn’t) - I know you are ambivalent about children, but so was I at 33. Please don’t let the fear of the unknown stop you calling time on a relationship that has run its course. If it’s bad now, it will be bad in another one, two, three years. Those are years where you could have met someone else and been happy - and you give yourself the time to change your mind about children.

I feel broadly positive about the future, but I am having to come to terms with the fact that is is very unlikely I will have a child. If I could turn back the clock and make this leap five years ago, I would. Whatever you want from life, you have another 40+ years ahead of you - don’t reconcile yourself to what you have now. Be strong - good luck.