Husband hiding watching porn killed our sex life

[Anissa40]

We have been together for 20 years, 12 years married with 2 kids (8 and 12 years old). We are so called first loves and lovers, l was 20, he was 23 when we first met.
In first years of our relationship our sex life was pretty good and stable, but onced at home l cough him taking to toilet sexy women magazine that we brought earlier that evening from Erotica show. I was very upset about it but l forgot. Then we started having kids and things between us started getting worse and worse. I was tired and busy with one baby, then after 4 years the other, he was busy with work. Sex become thing of the past, he become withdrawn, easily irritated, we were intimate once every few months, sometimes only 2 times per year. Since our kids got older l became more interested in sex again, l was trying to tell it to my husband but he seemed distant and uninterested. Years were going by as we were more of a flatmates than lovers.
In recent years he started having problems with maintaing erection, our occasional sexy times were unsatisfactory for me all the time. He also never seem to want to satisfy me first, only looking for his quick pleasure. I was devastated, was taking to him, sent him for tests. Now he is using viagra to remedy his problem.
Last Sunday l was looking in his phone just to check our holidays photos and something told me in my head to check his browser history and my jaw dropped, every day he was looking at the porn site.
My heart sunk in that moment. Why would he be doing to me, knowing we are having bedroom difficulties for years. For all these years l was honestly thinking he might be gay or asexual or having affair or not fancy me any more. But he denied all that on many occasions.
Since Sunday we had been talking for hours and hours but my brains explodes, one minute l am all OK with it, next l am crying and feeling huge anger and discust towards him.
What are your thoughts on this?

When sex first started to become infrequent were you trying to initiate or did he or did neither of you?

He kept his habit of coming to bed very late at night, while l was already in bed falling asleep. He was always staying late to watch TV and then wash before bed. I was unhappy about his habit and felt lonely in bed.

Reddit has a subreddit called
love after porn.

Many of the women over there are going through similar things.
Perhaps they could help you?

From your post it’s not clear which came first - dwindling sex or porn...
Plus - it seems that both of you only had one sexual partner in your whole life, which is challenging on its own....
In some MN posts porn seems like the cause of issues, in your situation, i think, it’s more a symptom.

It seems that when you started to have kids the relationship changed and you haven’t readjusted to it. And years of nappies and sleepless nights do often kill desire in a woman. While men feel rejected and figure out a way to cope. Porn is a solution that is easy and available...
It didn’t help that you two haven’t addressed it back then.

It also didn’t help that you seem to have overreacted to him looking at erotic magazine back in the day. Most adults these days do not have only one sexual partner for life, and it is challenging for many in our situation. Some appreciation of that and frank discussion - and possibly allowing each other some harmless naughtiness could have helped.
You should read a book by E.Perel - Mating in Captivity.
She is talking about that exact issue - keeping the physical relationship alive over many years - which doesn’t just happen on its own.

Not sure where you go from here.

Difficult situation. But I think you need to try a positive approach with him - how can WE sort this out together rather than telling him its all his problem. As others have said porn is probably a symptom here, the main issue is that you stopped having regular sex years ago and have both slipped into a routine which no longer allows for it. This willl only change if you both want it to. So you need to think about how you get himto want to as well. Try to approach it in a positive way, don't start by criticising his use of porn or any other aspect of his sexual performance, what he needs is encouragement and to be reminded of how good sex can be. Can you get away for a night or two and leave the kids with grand parents or friends? They are well old enough now. Just the two of you in a hotel room is usually pretty stimulating, when our kids were young we used to do this every few months and it kept the physical side of our relationship alive when there were lots of pressures from other directions. Once he realises what he is missing he will hopefully get back to a more active sex life, jerking off to porn is nowhere near as satisfying as the real thing and you need to encourage him to remember that.