Me and my so met around 3 years ago, we had a great connection straight away even with him being twice my age, we were casual for around a year until I moved from my hometown to London, we saw each other more often and ended up getting serious.
I moved in with him in Oct 2017 and things were going well apart from I kept finding dating sites and texts to/from girls, he never really promised to change and ended up turning it on me a lot of the time so I ended up apologising :(:(.
We got a puppy in January 2018 which was great, our relationship was good but he just constantly needed attention elsewhere (I blamed this on an insecurity of his and trusted and still believe he has never actually cheated on me)
It got to around April and I had enough of feeling sick and worried every time he looked at his phone, then being scared to leave him even for a few hours because I didn't trust his intentions.
I then went out with work and met someone how gave me immediate affection, nothing ever happened between us but there were a lot of not so innocent texts - I guess I felt I was getting my own back, I would sit in front of my s/o texting this guy and hoping he would see so I could teach him how it feels - he never batted an eye.
In April I went out with my friends and s/o wen't through my iPad and found everything, he went mental, kicked me out, called me all names, threatened to throw my things out on the street if I didn't collect it all within a few hours. I was made homeless for something he had been doing to me for months.
I settled in with friends and was getting through the biggest heartbreak of my life, then within a few days my s/o emailed me and said our puppy misses me and would I like to see him - OF COURSE I jumped at the chance
I went to my so to pick up the puppy and take him out for the day, When I returned him my s/o invited me in and we were in the garden talking all night.
We then continued to see each other and it was all going really well, We waited a while but in September 2018 I moved back in to his home, Things were amazing, no dating sites, no texts, perfect. In February 2019 he proposed and I was over the moon.
This was now 5 months ago, he has children who are only a few years younger than me, the son took it well but the daughter hates me already - I've not met them.
Basically, He's asked me to marry him but only told a select few people inc his children, and when once of his friends congratulated him and wanted to buy us some champs to celebrate he just turned it down and said to keep it on the down low.
also, It's not all about social media but I'm not allowed to be his friend or put anything on FB because of his children. I was fully understanding at the beginning but it's been months and we haven't celebrated or even started planning anything, I feel like he's hiding me and has just bought me a pretty ring.
I understand it was never going to be a conventional engagement but this is the other end of the spectrum. He's also not affectionate at all which I've realised is a big thing for me and it's meant I've stopped being affectionate towards him in some petty battle of who cares the least!!
We were having sex every day and now it's once every 1-2 weeks, every time I have tried to talk to him about this it either end in an argument and me apologies for what bulls**t thing I have done wrong or I get 'we're just going through a rough patch we'll be ok' and then it's dropped.
I feel like I do everything around the house and he treats me a bit like a child, I contribute towards the mortgage and a lot In shopping and things for the house but I earn a lot less than him so there's only so much I can do and I constantly feel I'm not good enough.
I love this man with all my heart but I'm miserable and I don't know what to do, I'm scared of leaving because I don't know if I can stay away from him. I've lost family and friends for this guy and constantly stick up for his behaviours and I feel like if I left I would be nothing but a failure and it would all be for nothing. I feel so depressed and like I've lost my identity.
Please some decent advice - sorry it's long!