What do I want? I messed up.

[Kuwi2019]

Hi all,
New to MN although previously watched from afar.

I recently moved overseas with my partner and our 1year old daughter.
It has been a difficult 17 months, adjusting to life as parents and also the move.
My partner and I have been arguing a LOT recently, and quite often I feel completely miserable in our relationship.
Whenever we argue, it always ends up being my fault because my behaviour is unacceptable, or what I say.

Anyway, the other night was the worst. I have been dealing with some personal problems over the last fortnight, and really feeling it emotionally.
We had friends over and I drank a bottle of wine, and fair to say I was pretty drunk.
I started to get upset and my partner sent me off to bed. I ended up turning quite nasty, and we had a huge argument . I ended up physically trying to hurt him, kicking him away from me.

I feel absolutely sick to my stomach that I reacted in such a way, and what's worse is our daughter woke up in the midst of all this.

I'm quite understandably in the bad books, but I also feel so confused.

For the most time in our relationship, I have felt that I am wrong for everything. And my feelings are irrelevant.
I guess, I'm just trying to figure if anyone else feels such a way, or how I can really make this up to him. And do I even want to? I don't feel like I even want to try make this relationship work anymore.

Sorry, it doesn't make much sense, but I'm stuck, confused and lonely. And I have no one to talk to.

It sounds like breaking point. Could you have a break for a while? I have done that, some space can give clarity.

Whenever we argue, it always ends up being my fault because my behaviour is unacceptable, or what I say.

Do you mean that is literally the truth, or is it what he tells you?

I ended up physically trying to hurt him, kicking him away from me.

Was he attempting to restrain you or prevent you from leaving the room?

Whilst your behaviour is unacceptable and wrong, the nature of the advice will be different depending on whether the relationship is toxic (bad behaviour is mutual) or abusive (one of your predominantly acts badly).

The actual advice is the same, you should not be together because you were out of control and in that moment violent. The loss of control wasn’t triggered by an incident. It sounds like there is latent tension. . There is no indication you or your boyfriend know how to address it or what it is. It’s a bad relationship at best, probably toxic and there is abuse. End it.

The problem of course is that you live abroad with a baby. This complicates the separation.

Well the advice on here to abusive partners is to move out and then go from there, so that's my advice.

There is absolutely no excuse for physically assaulting your partner whatsoever, but this is mumsnet where it's ok for women to do it but not men.

I think the advice given by @Myheartbelongsto is sound, although I would add that there are circumstances (for women more often than for men) which make physical aggression at least understandable.

But yes, first thing to do is move out. That communicates to your partner that you're taking responsibility for your actions and realise the seriousness.

And then, in that space, have a good think. You don't sound as though you have either equality or partnership in this relationship.

Can you stay with friends?

I’m just wondering where the usual chorus of MNers are that always show up when a woman complains of a man committing domestic violence, however minor. They invariably chant their mantra that the police should be brought into the situ, protect your children, LTB and copy all financial info before kicking him out because domestic abusers are scum and never change. Hopefully your description of deep, cringing remorse will demonstrate some of the nuance in these situations which will give some of the aforesaid chorus pause for thought in the future.
My advice - don’t tell us- tell him. Use this crisis point to get it all on the table - ALL OF IT. Own your faults and behaviours and hope to god he can do the same. The journey will be hard and long and there are no guarantees on the outcome but stasis hasn’t worked for you up till now so don’t expect it to work going forward.

Best of luck to you both

Thank you for your responses.
Unfortunately i am not in a position to move out or stay with friends.

I am not by nature a violent or aggressive person, this is completely out of character for me and something I am certainly not proud of.

I have spent a time thinking about it, and there are very clearly issues that have not been resolved and have led to my actions. However I am very very aware this does not excuse what I did.
I guess we will have to take some time to figure out what is best for us and our family. And I will be doing all I can to make this right.

Not in a position to move out, even temporarily, is a pretty bad state to be in. Maybe have a think about whether you can change that in the future.

If you become nasty and violent when drunk then perhaps you need to look at your drinking and also your relationship as a whole. You have the right to be in a relationship that makes you happy and your DP has the right to be in a relationship where he isn't at risk of you becoming violent towards him.

Whenever we argue, it always ends up being my fault because my behaviour is unacceptable, or what I say

What do you argue about, and why do you say it is always your fault?