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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have I lost my mind, or am I finding it??

7 replies

NotAProperGrownUp · 05/07/2019 22:07

Quick bit of background: I’m 39, met ex-dh when I was 22, married, had 2 gorgeous children. Thought we were happy. In February he walked out, having an affair for ~a year, moved into his mums. I begged him to come back, he didn’t want to, I cried a lot.
I made new friends, looked after my dc and tried loads of new things to try to move on. I started to enjoy it. I felt empowered and on top of it, despite the horrors of selling the house etc. Ex is really good re: money, not being awful etc.
I met this guy, went on a date and had a fabulous evening. Felt about 16. I like him, he likes me, it’s fun. Sort of. I feel so guilty, like I’m betraying my children because it’s so soon. And how can there be a future - everyone thinks I’m this poor, betrayed woman and they’d see me as some kind of hussy if I started being seen with someone else. And the children might find out. I just want to enjoy myself while I am going through all the shit, but feel shame and guilt even though I’m technically doing nothing wrong.
Help me please?!

OP posts:
Luckingfovely · 05/07/2019 22:20

Okay, it's very simple. You are massively overthinking this! Be safe, take things steady, be discreet, obviously. But you also deserve a life. Most of all, try and let go of some of the guilt - you deserve to be happy! The children will be fine as long as you are looking after them - and are happy in yourself! Remember your individuality and enjoy your life Smile

Mollie3 · 05/07/2019 23:09

Go for it, it’s your life, live it! Who cares what others think it’s none of their business to judge. Agree with poster above basically x

NotAProperGrownUp · 05/07/2019 23:12

Thank you, it’s good to hear that. But is 5 months too quick to be ok with my 17 year relationship/ 10 year marriage ending? I feel like I’m meant to be mourning for ages - people keep telling me I’ll be ok in 2-3 years?!

OP posts:
RamblingEm · 05/07/2019 23:19

There is NO set time. What you do is live your life for YOU and only answer to YOURSELF. I think the vast majority of people will be thrilled that you’re happy after all you’ve been through, though again what others think doesn’t matter. You are the only person responsible for your life, please don’t let other people’s opinions rule your life. You deserve to be happy. Don’t overthink it, enjoy yourself but most off all do not ever forget that what other people think of you is none of your business!

Bluerussian · 05/07/2019 23:30

How soon is it since your break up, Notapropergrownup?

There's nothing wrong with you having a boyfriend, you don't have to introduce him to your children yet - it would be wise not to until you and he have an established relationship. Just keep it light for now, see how it goes.

I felt sad reading your story, you've had a hard time and it must have been so hurtful.

Flowers
NotAProperGrownUp · 06/07/2019 00:06

It was hurtful. The worst thing I ever experienced, and I’ve had my share of horribleness. But I kind of feel like me and the children don’t deserve to be miserable for any longer than necessary. I just so t want my happiness to be my children’s misery if you know what I mean?

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 06/07/2019 09:52

It is a lot too soon to be introducing a new partner to your children.

However, it's perfectly fine to enjoy a new relationship yourself without involving them in any way.

Go out, have fun. Being happy will help you to be a better parent. Win win!

If someone judges you, it's their problem, not yours.

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