Am a being paranoid 🙄🤦🏽‍♀️

[Crazylady01]

So relationships and everything about them aren’t my strong suit 🤦🏽‍♀️.....I was in a long term relationship (15yr) with my high school BF this ended 3 yrs ago, it ended up just being habit and no happiness/love left so finding a new love/relationship seemed impossible and daunting, however met the most wonderful guy 4 months ago we have been taking it slow and he’s just seems so perfect, he’s loving attentive and we get along great he has been nothing but upfront and honest with me from the start we both have kids from previous relationships, he has met my kids and they adore him, he’s a brilliant dad to his kids too. He had says to me that his ex and him had just started getting along after there split 1yr ago, he told me he wasn’t hiding me just didn’t think it was the right time to tell her. I was fine with this as It was early days and added pressure for outside could hinder our relationship but told him Once our relationship is a bit more established she should really know! He agreed. All his friends know about us and he's never shy to be seen in public with me, am I being paranoid that he’s not wanting to tell her? I really do think he’s just wanting to keep the peace to allow him to see his kids and him to live a peaceful life, however I feel she has him right where she wants him, he can’t commit to set times/days as his working hours are all over the place, so he see’s them when he can but she make it difficult and he can only see them at her house 🙄. I’m not jealous at all and know how important his kids are to him so if this is the only way he can see them I totally understand. Just seems like she’s calling all the shot, if he suggests any other arrangements she shuts it down, I have says how a feel and he’s half agreed but says he doesn’t want to rock the boat! Do you think I have anything to worry about? 🤦🏽‍♀️ Or is this genuinely just a guy trying to keep everyone happy? X

Nobody on here can know for sure - but on reading it sounds like he's possibly either still with her, or trying to get back with her.

Either way, it raises a lot of questions, and until you are comfortable and know the truth, I would back away. It may hurt - but the chances of getting even more hurt further down the line seem pretty high.

Sorry - I wish you well.

I don't think your being paranoid, I think your being cautious which you have every right to be.

As pp said I would keep him at arms length/stand back or leave him.

You haven't been together long and it's still early days - it's entirely how you feel but defiantly stand back a bit for now though.

X

Thanks for comments.....I’m not nieave in any way but I really don’t think he’s still seeing her that way as he spends all of his time with me he is hear every night even after seeing his kids. However I do agree that there is something not adding up and I think am just going to ask him rather than sit guessing! Thank you again.

Keep an eye on things over the next couple of months. I would not be quick to believe that she is the only one 'making things difficult' as it were. More than likely he has just started to use his ex wife as an excuse every time he cant be bothered coming to see you or has something else to do. Also, if she knew he had someone she would probably be more accommodating.

I would give it to the six months mark but by then I would expect her to know about me. Eg: have him mention on a call to her that he is over at his girlfriends or something.

I think if you have met his friends ect…and he calls you his gf infront of them then he and his wife probably are over and you don't have to worry. Just be careful and don't end up in a situation where you feel like it is you vs her because if that happens, then more than likely he has either orchestrated it or he hasn't been reassuring you the way he should have or been upfront with his wife.

I feel uncomfortable just reading this , you seem to of been very supportive of your husband but he does seem to be stepping some boundaries now .
Can you just sit down and have a conversation about how you feel about it in a non confrontational way ?

You’re only with him 4 months, you’re ‘taking it slow’, you feel ‘something is not adding up’ yet he has met your kids frequently enough for them to ‘adore him’??

I don’t think there’s anything going on with his ex, I think he is trying to keep everybody happy including you.
He may be afraid that his ex will kick off when she finds out that he’s in a new relationship, possibly give him a hard time and limit his contact with his DC. Or he’s worried that she may be hurt and upset that he’s found somebody else, he’s sparing her feelings. Your relationship sounds great in every other way so I wouldn’t read too much into it.
If I was you I’d ask him outright and see what he says.

Have the kids not mentioned you to their mum?

Why has he got to see the children at her home? Have you been to his place?

First of all thank you to those who have commented and been understanding and supportive.....to sammylady27 I understand everyone is entitled to there opinion however I’m not hear to be judged by you or anyone. I haven’t met his kids which I am totally fine with just now, my partner and his ex own a house together which he is still paying half for, for the sake of the kids, which I think is a good thing so he’s living elsewhere at the moment until he can get his own place, every time he suggests taking the kids there his ex goes on about there routine and them being put out and in a strange environment, which to a degree I can understand as there still young and if I was in that position I suppose until it was a more permanent arrangement I would possibly be there same 🤷🏽‍♀️. Lizzielocket I genuinely think the same he is a nice decent guy and I do thing I’m being maybe a bit over cautious 😂 I’m going to have a chat about it with him, it’s not a massive problem I just don’t want it on my head all the time
Until it becomes a problem thanks guys xx

I've been seeing someone for more than double the time you've been seeing this guy and I refuse to tell my ex. Firstly we are also only very recently getting on slightly better and I can't bear to rock the boat again; secondly my ex is unstable and a revelation like this would knock him off course; thirdly it's none of his bloody business.

I'm not still married to him or trying to get back with him or using him as an excuse when I can't be bothered to see new guy! It just what it is, for now, and I can't see a solution as yet.

Sorry but 4 months isn't a long time to start introducing you into his kids or his ex-wife's life. I do believe he's trying to keep her happy and not rock the boat, like you said he's with you most nights not using her as an excuse not to see you like pp has said.

How was his break up with her? They've been seperated/divorced a year and only just started to get on. How old are both your children.

Honestly keep taking things slow and wait till your closer to that 6month- 1 year Mark before questioning things.

When me and DDs father broke up I was awful to be around. Very demanding, very quick to guilt trip him and was very angry about the idea of him meeting another woman and introducing her to my child.

A mind word if advice. 4 months is way too early to be introducing your kids to a new partner. What happens if it all breaks down.....how long will it be until you meet someone new & introduce him to your children...??

I say this as a divorced father who has had his 3 children move in with him after they fell out with their mother who they had lived with for the past 9 years. The reason was that she had introduced (by him staying over few nights week) another new "boyfriend" just months after breaking up with the last one. Not saying you are doing anything like that but imo you should wait at least 6 months(pref 12) before any new bf meets your children as you dont know how long thing will last.

As for your situation. I would wonder why he cant mention to his ex that he is dating. If he is free to date then it is no concern of hers. No need to meet his kids but I can see no reason why he cant mention you.......unless he is not entirely single

I totally understand that I don’t want to be introduced to them, I have been split up 3yr and had the time to deal with most of the situations ex’s get into so feel I have learnt from this, they have only been split up 1yr and get that it’s still raw! There breakup was mutual but soon became frosty, but as says before seems to be on track for the kids which I’m happy about, and I am not looking to make the situation any harder than it is hence why it’s not a massive problem her knowing just now, my kids are 9 and 6 and his are 6 and 4.

I think you are right I have been over analysing this all should just take a step back and stop overthinking the situation! As long as he sees his kids and doing what he should for them and we’re seeing each other and things are going good I don’t suppose it matters who knows.

Thank you all x

You barely know him - 4 months is nothing. It’s such early early stages of a relationship where kids shouldn’t be in on it at all.
So - he is doing it right - he is taking it slowly.
There is no way he should be introducing you to his kids yet. He only left his ex a year ago. And in early stages - like yours - many relationships seem wonderful.
People are high on new relationship energy, feeling of being in-love. Until that passes and relationship moves to something more measured and long lasting - no one really knows. So - kids shouldn’t be exposed to that in case it doesn’t last...

As to not wanting to shake the boat with the ex - see above re the new relationship.

it is very simple, if he loves you and you love him, he tells her this is the new status quo; there are no excuses, if, but or ands. DO NOT sell yourself short here, you want a man who will stand for you and you only. Anything less and you are a fool.

julensaor

Yes, in the world of teenage love it’s all straightforward and simple.
Adults’ lives are more complicated...
They’ve only known each other for 4 months. There are children on both sides - whose needs come first.

I think OP is both rushing into something and also feeling insecure over the ex. She needs to deal with her issues first.