A tiny bit of sympathy and encouragement needed, just a tiny bit

[poubelles]

I met a guy a few years ago and over the years I have developed feelings for him and he developed feelings for me. I have had some difficult things to deal with over the last eight years but dealt with it, I was focused on my dc and was really happy about that, and was happy about what I thought would be a future with this man.

I really felt I had met someone special, and it brought home to me what a bad choice I had made with the father of my dc, who has been appalling, and I felt stronger that I knew what I was looking this time, and I really thought this guy was it.

But it seems he had feelings for me which were genuine enough but nowhere near what I had thought, and I have realised some other things tonight - something someone said and putting two and two together - and he just isn't the person I thought he was.

And I feel devastated and alone. I still have this nightmare XH around and all the trouble he brings for the dc, and I feel guilt for having made such a bad choice with him, and now I feel guilt about not being savvy enough again, and feel as though I am surrounded by wolves snapping at my heels and I have now lost completely the love and support from this man which I thought was there as it turns out it wasn't there in the first place. I feel a bit lost. I will be fine, I am sure, but damn it hurts tonight.

Any chance of a tiny bit of sympathy, and maybe some light happy stories of where this happened to you or nearly and that you ended up with someone nice, trustworthy, kind, honest. Thank you and sorry to burden the world with my woe.

I dont think i have ever made the right decision when it comes to a man and me and my friend are constantly talking about what kind of man we would go for if we were single again which is always the complete opposite of our partners but I know for a fact i would still make the wrong decision because I am just bad at that part of my life.

People are very very very good at pretending to be somebody they are not and them kind of people know exactly who to go for so please dont be so hard on yourself or feel any guilt.

It took my sister 3 kids ( 2 different partners) and 5 men to finally meet the man that was right for her.

But i think you will find alot of more people go through this than you know.

It’s a common enough scenario OP. It’s not much consolation now, I know. I’m sorry about what you’ve been through and yes, I know plenty of women like you who went on to meet someone great. Again, not much help but it is the truth.

We've all done it. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off, deep breath....

vszion you are right - though I wasn't looking for a man this time round, there was not a tiny part of me which wanted a relationship at the time I met him. He came out of nowhere and made me feel so great for a bit. Maybe that was what it was all about. He made me realise that i did want a relationship with the right man, and it wasn't him but knowing him has given me the insight.

I know it is common. I just wanted sympathy

Anyway, what would you choose next time and how is it different from what you have gone for before?

zaphod thanks can just about see the keyboard through the self pity tears (a bit joking)

@poubelles Well you have my sympathy cause i have been through it more times that i would like to admit.

well i normally go for alpha male type , cocky, confident men and for some reason they always seem to work in construction, although in my past i did have a thing for aspiring rappers and DJS ohhh and i loved a semi pro footballer lol! ( This was when i was alot younger so please dont judge me ha ha ) and i realise this makes me sound like i have been with a million men and my friend was exactly the same so when we have these discussions we agree we would go for nice normal any other job except the ones mentioned above , kind sweet men that would have had probably be classed as a nerd when i was in school.

Just to add my current partner isnt that bad but he does work in construction and he is bloody cocky but i do love him and he is a great father lol but sometimes i do wonder how much easier my life would be if i picked a different man.

Sorry OP. It's shite, right? But at least you found out now and not another few years down the line. Allow yourself a bit of time to have a wallow.

sending a big hug.

There’s not one quality you can chiose next time, it just needs to be gut feeling. What went wrong with this one? Maybe learn that and you know what to look for next time but it’s all pot luck. I also believe if I’m as nice as I can be and keep my morals high then I will attract the same. Has this man had a partner or seeing anyone in the time you have known him or has he been single the whole time? Maybe if single for a long time then there’s a reason for that or if he’s had a girlfriend or wife and you were hanging around then you weren’t being nice to her as you had your intentions on him. Then it all backfires and people get hurt. Just look at every relationship and take what you liked and dislikes and apply it next time. There are often red flags that we choose not to see but every time we come out of a relationship we get better at dealing with the next

@Sunsetsandcloudyskies there is absolutely no way I would be interested in a man who was with someone else. I would like someone emotionally available. And trust is really important, both ways.

@vszion if he is your current partner I hope it works out, if you want it to, and I am with you on the nice vs alpha!

I feel much better today. Lovely sunny day with dc having fun.
I spoke to a friend last night and it helped a lot. I really appreciate the nice comments on here, thank you.

@Sunsetsandcloudyskies I have been stewing today and re-read the posts. Just to clarify that there was no unfaithfulness or any other woman involved in a romantic sense. It is because he believed something about me which my ex had said, and I hadn't realised at the time. It sounds small but no one who knows me well would have believed what my ex said and I am very, very hurt. I said in my post he was a different person from what I thought but actually it is more that the relationship was different from what I thought. It isn't about unfaithfulness and so this is nothing to do with karma, or morals, it is to with my poor judgement.

I didn’t mean for my post to sound like I was accusing you of anything. Was just putting some scenarios forward as it wasn’t but clear previously.

You maybe thought more into what you had with the new man because the XH was such a nightmare. I have been guilty of this also although didn’t act upon it. I was so unhappy with the father of my children I made a male friend at work who was there to talk to. After 6 months of being friends I couldn’t stop thinking about him (although nothing ever happened and still hasn’t and we are still good friends 3 years later) I then left the father of my children because he was a really horrible man and thoughts of my friend helped me make that decision. Anyway after I left, within weeks I stopped thinking about this friend of mine in that way so I think when we are so unhappy and put down all the time we sometimes latch onto something that isn’t real and our mind plays tricks on us. So you probably fell for the man you wanted him to be instead of the man he actually was.

My opinion on all relationships is rather low atm and I’m also looking for some happy ever after stories with nice ones but on here it’s mostly doom and gloom.
My best friend is on her second time around relationship (both had dc previously) and have been together 15 years now and still flirt like the beginning so it can be done, it’s just waiting for the right one or for someone who wants to be the right one