Point of no return or slivers of hope?

[Beechwhistle]

Have NC for this. Just Incase DH links it to any other of my posts.
I’m not even really sure what I want, advise I suppose.

DH just seems so angry all the time. He’s always been highly strung and the slightest upset sends him spiralling into a funk. I think pre-kids I had more energy to focus on keeping him on an even keel.

He’s just really upset me because I painted a wall that’s needed painting for a while (having also been at work, picked up kids, cooked their dinner etc) and he just criticised my cutting in, the fact I hadn’t washed the roller properly and there are bits of fluff in the paint (I agree this must be annoying). He now says that he’ll have to sand it all down and start again because we can’t ruin the new plaster we spent money on. It’s really not that bad!

I know he’s tired and had a long day at work too, but is that an ok reaction, really?
I had to go upstairs and have a bit of a cry.
Usually I let it wash over me because if I retaliate angrily / cry infront of him he gets even more huffy.

I have spoken to friends about how increasingly I’m finding it hard work. They say they think he loves me really and maybe I’m too cold with him - but I think it’s a defence mechanism I’ve built up over the years after times like this over and over again.
Also infront of other people he often becomes more jolly, so they don’t always see his grumpiness (altho my sister has seen it and wonders if he is depressed maybe). He’s either jolly or very grumpy.

We’ve been together for 20 years, in our 40s now with 2 DC aged 10 and 7.
DS 10 is autistic so parenting hasn’t been plain sailing and neither of us have any family near by who can help so it’s just us.

I gave up work for a few years to support DS before he went to a SS which I did find hard, like I had sort of lost who I was.
I’m now working again PT.

He’s just always grumpy and angry towards me. And DS.
I can’t pretend I’m an angel, I can be grumpy too. But he sulks. For weeks. We can never move on, but when questioned he denies being in a sulk.

He made a snide remark about being in a loveless marriage recently that really stung. I think it stems from not having much sex any more (I often end up on DS’s floor at night because he doesn’t sleep well. DH rarely wakes up).
But I feel he often expects sex with no preamble, just when he’s in the mood. But for me sex goes with a loving relationship and I don’t feel he does anything else to create this. And neither do I because I feel resentful so then it becomes a viscous circle.

He doesn’t help with the kids in the am because it stresses him out because they both dislike school and it can be very hard work. He goes straight onto his work computer when he gets in. Any spare time he has is spent on his hobby (sports thing, think Lycra).

I have ended up sort of making a life without him in it with some wonderful friends who do support me emotionally.
I know he thinks I see them too much (1-2 times a week). That’s when I’m happiest tbh. Or when it’s just me and the kids.
We rarely do anything as a family, it’s either me and the kids or him and the kids.

I always invite him to what I’m doing but he never wants to come.
It’s not like he can invite me to anything he does because other than his hobby he doesn’t do anything.

I feel he resents my job, especially if I have a meeting and he has to do the pick up the kids etc, because he’s the main breadwinner so sees his job is more important.

I’m sure if someone asked him what was happening in our marriage he’d have an explanation that made me the bad guy - I go out too often for example (he once made a spreadsheet comparing when I was out vs him to prove I went out more often).

But he never makes any effort to talk to me, about anything. Our marriage, anything. I feel when I try and talk to him he thinks I’m wittering on.
He never arranges anything - all holidays, visits to his and my family are all arranged by me.
Any rare night out together is arranged by me (but then he complains about the cost of the babysitter, which makes me feel he places no value on us spending time together).

We really don’t spend time together - I often end up falling asleep around the same time as DS.

We did go to counselling about 6 years ago. It helped a bit but DH said he wouldn’t go again (especially because we had to pay for the sessions).
But I felt all the onus was on me to change (‘try greeting DH at the door and ask him about his day’).

Oh I don’t know. If I felt he was happy it would be ok, but I really don’t think he is. But he can’t or won’t talk about it without getting angry at me.

And I am 100% sure he’s not having an affair.

I do think he has a lot of autistic traits similar to DS and finds facing into feelings v difficult.

My parents divorced and I don’t want that for my kids, especially DS.

I love DH’s family - they are supportive even tho far away (but quite emotionally repressed too like DH). It would break their hearts if we split.

I just want both me and DH to be happy, but I have no idea how to make that happen.

I suppose I’m asking does it sound like past the point of no return?

I have no idea where he wants to do. He won’t discuss it / gets upset if I try to. He just can't talk about emotions or feelings.

No, you don't sound at the point of no return. You sound bloody frustrated, both of you.
Do you ever get any time on your own as a couple?
Family life is shit and really hard sometimes but it doesn't sound like anything is unsalvageable you're just doing a lot of blaming each other. I know it's cliché but I'd try and make some date nights even if it's just at home, can you try for a couple of times a month just doing something together?

Thank you, that's a really helpful reply.
No, we rarely get any time together.
I think we need to (altho I know I will have to sort it out but I'll suck it up!).
I have to try that before deciding it's all too much like hard work.

Really, thank you that's good to hear.

He sounds a lot like my XH, who is probably also on the spectrum, along with DS1.

Turned out he just wasn’t cut out for family life and after trying hard to get him to see my POV (and him trying to get me to see his) we decided to separate. We now get on a lot better, he’s happier with his own space, the DCs spend some quality time with him on their own and I have been able to meet someone who adores me.

Don’t let the fear of the unknown keep you trapped feeling like this.

Give him one last chance to sort himself out, give it YOUR best shot (yes it’s shit when you’re told to be loving towards someone who isn’t loving in return, but you have to break the cycle) and give it a timescale. But you might have to accept that you’ve grown apart and that you don’t want the same thing anymore. Life is much more peaceful without an angry man around and you can paint a wall without being told off like a naughty child.

he once made a spreadsheet comparing when I was out vs him to prove I went out more often

Wow, just wow.

It sounds like he is competing and measuring your respective work/leisure activities & performance based on certain values. Perhaps he is failing to take into account the values you find important, particularly emotional ones, as they don't occur to him as important? But by overlooking these and concentrating on hour spent on x activity he is failing to take into account burdens carried only by you?

I'll try to explain what I mean: If you take on the kids' complaining and coax them into school, that takes an emotional toll on you that he is not willing to shoulder. So you are being emotionally drained while he protects himself. That probably doesn't even register with him. He sounds very cold and critical from what you have written and I can see why you are thinking ASD.

My STBX is similar, so I may be projecting. I found I turned cold too, to protect myself. When you give out good feelings and get nothing back, eventually you stop giving. But the few times I did break down in tears he was always shocked that I was upset and bent over backwards to be kind and understand the problem. I think sometimes with these people who don't read subtle emotional cues it takes a big show of distress for them to understand there is a problem.

Sorry these thoughts are scattered, and I never managed to resolve the issue (there were many other issues, hence STBX not DH), but maybe there is something here you recognise. I was not able to keep putting my heart on the line for someone who never did the same, but maybe that is an answer - along with scheduling down time/date nights, relationship time, etc.

Thank you all, I really appreciate all your replies.

Everything you have all said completely resonates.
I think I am at a crossroads, I know I could probably, maybe, turn it around if I really tried, but after 20 years and 2 kids I'm just not sure I have it in me.

I will give it a shot, so whatever happens I can say I did try everything I could.