Growing resentment

[whoareyouwhowho]

Since DD was born 20 months ago. I have developed feelings of resentment towards DP. I know things change when you have a baby and these feelings aren't uncommon, but I guess I would have thought they would have subsided by now...

DP is a good man. Very loyal and emotionally supportive. However he's lazy which is fuelling my resentment. What really grates me is his laziness with DD. He always wants to do the quick easy option, ie not read her a book before bed, not bother brushing her teeth, just put the TV on all day for her, not bothering to change her nappy when she wakes up. I don't mean just skip brushing her teeth one night, I honestly don't think he'd bother if I didn't make a point. He literally huffs if I ask him to do any of these things (which I do every day).

He is constantly just glued to his phone or watching rubbish on TV, which makes me so sad as he's missing out on interacting with DD - but he doesn't even see it as something he's losing out on. Of course I know we all need down time (and for him that's reading stuff on the internet and watching films), but this is constant.

These feelings are really impacting our relationship for me. I have no desire to be intimate at all, because I just feel irritated with him. I think he feels like I'm just nagging at him.

I just don't know how to move forward as I can't shake these feelings of frustration with him. Am I being unreasonable and expecting too much? Are these things that to a certain degree you just need to accept because nobody's perfect?

You are not being unreasonable.

There are some things that you need to accept, but this is definitely not one of them.

DP is a good man. Very loyal and emotionally supportive.

No he isn’t. He’s a shocking partner and neglectful parent.

He's bloody awful! Why on earth would you say he was good?

A dog is loyal op. Why did you write he is both loyal and emotionally supportive?. Were you simply trying to put a gloss on things?. Please don’t do that to yourself and in turn your dad by at all accepting such a sub standard relationship.

This individual is a lazy arse and l am wondering why you are with him at all. He is no example of a decent male to his child.

Daughter not dad.

It does make me wonder what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

I suppose I mentioned loyalty because it's so important to me, after finding out my previous partner had been unfaithful many many times. He was also lying through his teeth about various other things: drug abuse, debt, earnings etc.

I do believe DP is a decent man. When I say that, I mean I completely trust him and know he wouldn't cheat, abandon or lie. He will always fight my corner and support whatever decisions I make in life. He moved miles away from family and friends, so I could be near mine. He paid hundreds of £'s towards therapy for me when I couldn't afford it...

Which I why I don't get why he's so fecking lazy with DD.

I honestly think there's some deep routed misogyny in there, that deep down he thinks DD is my responsibility

Misogyny was a poor choice of words (I just googled it to check it meant what I intended and it doesn't!!)

I mean I think he could think deep down the things I mention are a woman's responsibility

Might it be that she's just not very...well....interesting to him yet? He won't have long being able to sit and look at his phone or watch rubbish TV before she's in his face going 'daddydaddydaddydaddy lookatme! LOOK AT ME, DADDY!'

Do you think he will step up then, when she's a bit more interactive? Because if he continues the way he's going now, she won't bother to even speak to him.

Might it be that she's just not very...well....interesting to him yet? He won't have long being able to sit and look at his phone or watch rubbish TV before she's in his face going 'daddydaddydaddydaddy lookatme! LOOK AT ME, DADDY!

Not an excuse IMO

She is his daughter; not a source for entertainment

This makes me feel so sad. For you and your daughter, not for him as he’s being awful.

I couldn’t like or respect my DH if he didn’t care for and do his very best for our baby. If you were taken ill or had to go away you don’t trust he’d look after your child and you’re right. He’s failing at even the most basic care and it’s shocking to read. Of course you don’t find him attractive now. How could you? You love and prioritise your child and he can’t give a shit.

Zap... yes possibly. I've wondered about this. He has bursts of being amazing with her, playing and making her giggle. But they are short lived and then he just goes back to his phone or whatever, she more often comes to me now really which is so sad. He's brilliant with his nieces and nephews, but they are older (8/9/11).

I sometimes wonder how well they have bonded. I breastfed until I went back to work when she was 12 months old, but I also suffered with a great deal anxiety and really struggled leaving her with anyone, even him, and was probably quite 'controlling' (for want of a better word) if anything related to Dd. Thankfully things are a lot better for me now, but I do sometimes wonder if that has had an effect on their relationship. He was so excited to become a dad, proud as punch which is why I can't fathom him now...

Oh give over Zaphodsotherhead

Keeping your child clean, fed, warm, dry and comfortable are very basic considerations and he can’t be fucked to stop watching tv and change her nappy. There’s absolutely no excuse for that. Don’t blame the baby.