Marriage has been dead for years and I don't know what to do

[BadHairDyeDay]

Been married 19 years, on/off 10 years before that. 2 DC DD17 and DS15. Used to be madly in love. Now we barely look at each other, speak or touch each other. Last sexual encounter probably about 6 years ago. I just don't think he cares about me. He's only interested in himself. Never bothers to ask me about anything in my life no matter how big or small. Only ever talks about his work - or the weather 🙄. He knows there are problems but will do anything but try to confront them. It's always me that brings up the subject and then it just turns into a blame game. We went for counselling 3 years ago which was a dead loss.

I'm sick of pretending to everyone that everything is fine but I'm pretty sure the DC are aware we are not happy. I turn into a horrible person when he is around - surely that's not right? So we barely communicate just to avoid arguments.

Yeah I know we should have split up ages ago and I have looked into it a few times but I just can't bring myself to do it. I also feel I can't get rid of him! He does my head in and I can't cope with him being around! I wish it was just me and DC at home together and all the messy business in between was over. I'm sure I would be a much nicer person and I know I could cope at the other side. I just don't want to break hearts and feel guilty for the rest of my life. I'm swimming in a sea of disappointment and uncertainty. I've barely scratched the surface of how thoughtless he is. For info no third party involved/No red flag behaviour. Just a loveless dead marriage 😔

You know the answer because you've said it yourself several times. There is nothing to be gained from prolonging this. You'll both ultimately be happier and I suspect your children will be too. It's still not too late to show then what is and isn't a good relationship.

Thanks Pog. Maybe I just need someone to say these things. I have never ever said any of this Out loud IRL. At the moment I haven't the guts to go through with it but I know I need to know it's the right thing to do.

the only heart you are breaking at the moment is your own with your children having a grandstand view of a marriage that should have ended years ago.

Find the guts within you. Do not continue to show your children a loveless marriage for them to potentially emulate themselves. Seek legal advice re divorce if you have not already done so, knowledge as well is power.

You could be my mum. Showed me exactly what a bad marriage looks like and I have found it so difficult to form meaningful relationships throughout my life because I find intimacy very difficult. I was brought up thinking coldness, apathy, resentment, no intimacy and silence was normal.

You are wasting your life. Don’t waste any more of it. Grow some guts and do something about it. My mum even stayed after we left home and is now a bitter resentful old woman with nothing nice to say about anyone. Don’t be that person. Be you. Your kids will cope and probably be glad.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

It means a lot to be able to hear some outside perspectives on my situation but the thread seems to have ground to a halt. Any idea how I can attract more traffic?

BadHair

Remember also that you have a choice re this man, your children do not.

What is actively preventing you now from leaving?. Is it fear of both him and the unknown going forward here?. Fear amongst many other factors keeps people within such dead relationships and I am certain you would not want your children to emulate this same type of relationship.

I've honestly never met anyone whose parents had a poor marriage who says they wish they'd stayed together.

Isn't it much better for everyone that the kids are not in a home where there is constant tension, atmosphere and ignoring or sniping, and the adults have a chance to live their lives in a more relaxed way - and maybe even eventually meet someone who they will be a better fit with?

Any idea how I can attract more traffic? Argue with people and say ever more outrageous things.

But seriously, your problem is your own inertia and fear of change. It is hard to do, and most of us need a kick or tipping event before we act with these things, to be fair. But you aren't really doing your dc any favours by staying, and certainly not yourself.

You have one life. How many more years are you going to give this shitty marriage?

Not the same as i don't have kids. But i left my husband 6 months ago after realising life is too bloody short to be miserable in a sexless unfulfilling relationship.

I've just realised what I'm scared of. So what I haven't mentioned is the religious element. We are Christians, and go to church with most of my family including my parents. His family live some way off. I think deep down DH knows I am scared of the judgement we would get if we split up, not least from my DM. Nobody in my family or church has split up before. We would literally be the first! So DH becomes complacent, I get angry, we argue, discuss separation he improves for a bit, I get cold feet and so the cycle continues.

And yes. I do know how pathetic and hypocritical I am being.

In only 3 years your kids will both be gone and will be making excuses not to come home that often.

The minute they will be able to afford to live elsewhere, they'll be gone. And it'll be sooner than you think. And you'll be so hurt that they don't want to come home more and ask why??

And you'll be left with him all on your own.

I don't think you're being pathetic or hypocritical actually. It's not a good start if you're beating yourself up like that, you have to be on your side. God is!

You're facing a very big upheaval, not just your family but your entire life. Understandable you are hesitating. You may find that if please God when you leave him, a number of wives in the church will quietly say to you they wish they had the courage to leave their husbands.

He's breaking his marriage vows and he's not conforming to scripture. He certainly isn't cherishing you.

Kick the git to the curb. Your poor kids will thank you for it. I know it's easy to say but, honestly, religion does so much damage and creates such heartache and pain. Thank goodness God isn't religious or you'd be sunk.

Thank you Springy. You speak the truth! As do all the other PPs! I can think of nothing else today. I hope I can find the strength!!

Do you do things as a couple ? Go out, do the weekly shop together, go on holiday . If you do it must feel horrible to be doing those things with someone you do not enjoy being with . As others have said, imagine yourself in a few years when your children have left, you could have years and years of a wasted life.

Just did a quick Google. Have a look when you've got the headspace xx

Ps I haven't read any of them but there's bound to be some religion in there, apologies.

I think you've tried everything a compassionate Christian god /church would want you to try to turn your marriage around. It's time now. Your kids are old enough. I think we've got a responsibility to ourselves, (to god of you believe?) and to those around us to live our best life.

I could have written pretty much this exact post but how on earth does anyone afford to split up?

Your Mum isn't living your life though you are. My Mum was Catholic (she died) and my sister is gay and married to another woman. My Mum could separate that love she had for her daughter and her daughter's happiness from a bible written in a very different time.

You cannot live a miserable life because of what other people may or may not think. Your Mum should be supportive. Why would she not want you to be happy?

If your church cannot support you you need to find another church.

You cannot live your life being miserable just to shield yourself from some small minded people’s judgements. I know that’s quite a simplistic view, but ultimately that’s what you’re doing. You deserve to be happy.

@mumtobob it's a very real worry! What have you done? Do the finances mean you can't move on? I'm not in great financial circumstances myself but could eek it out if I had to. That is unless I'm switched over to universal credit then I'm stuffed

Agree with everyone saying split but is a bit presumptuous to think he should just not be around whilst you get to stay in your joint home

Separate, do it for both of you, he can't be happy with the half life either.
It's not as difficult as you think it it will be - people soon get used to the
new reality when you divorce.

I hung on for years, long after the marriage died, best thing I did was get
divorced.
Now 2 years down the line I've met someone and life is good.

If the head of the Church of Englamd's children can divorce then I'm sure you can too.

Don't worry what either his or your family will think......they aren't living your life. Divorce him & move on with your life.

@caucho where does it say he'll not be around while I stay in the joint home?